Saturday, December 27, 2008

Thus sprecht David Godman


The Right Honourable David Godman, Divinely Appointed Scribe to the Enlightened, Order of the Magi and Initiate of the Illuminati Secret Society to Control the World (Sparsa Hotel, T.V.Malai). Codename: FUCKWIT ...

"It is with a vague sense of distaste and distemper that one has noticed the encroachment of members of the lower orders into the sacred sanctuary of Tiruvannamalai. These proletarian scavengers must be sent packing at the first available opportunity. The most repellent of these arriviste wannabes derive from the unfortunate car crash of Rajneesh/Osho groupies who arrived en masse at Papaji's door in the early 90s. As the great man said to me in my magnum opus Nothing Ever Happened (Book 2 page 975 in the chapter entitled Whole Lotta Nothing!): 'None of these morons has got what it takes!' and one heartily agrees with this concise synopsis! In my distinguished opinion the worst example of this trend is Mooji, that Rastafarian with the large girth and the Linford Lunchbox (he must be packing and I don't mean candy!) He has imported a wave of Goan heathens who cannot even tie their own shoelaces, even if they miraculously owned a proper pair of shoes! Fortunately this ersatz Jamaican Jesus and his drugged-up sidekick Reiki Shiva have arranged for their cretinous followers to remain in silence, while Shiva picks their pockets in search of debit cards, after a furtive evening's debauch (or is it a confused and sweaty search for Truth!)

One has also noticed the exorbitant increase in prices at the Rip Off Supermarket, especially the products from those dreadful Frogs and their international gang of pseudo-intellectuals from Auro-vile. Not content with expounding their pathetic evolutionary ideology, they are now flogging overpriced groceries!

Further, it has been reported that local heroine and icon of moral rejuvenation Sunanda Whitehouse has been seen at a seasonal event, held at the House of the Red Mooncup, writhing on the floor and speaking in tongues after a slightly excessive dosage of Soma. Sunanda will now be taking up residence as the new Delphic oracle in the subterranean chambers beneath the Manna Cafe. Prophecies and darshan will be given at 4pm daily!

In conclusion, I have decided not to grace Ramana Nagar with my presence, while these dreadful proles are in evidence. One is left pining away in my luxury lakeside villa (though one still remains a simple sadhu at heart!) with my musty old library and the pungent memory of past glories, Waiting for Godot to enter stage left! But as a consolation to the masses, I will arrive resplendent with a truckload of my populist tome, Be As You Are, which will be given away gratis to those capable of reading! One endures, one is profoundly stoical, amidst this social cataclysm!

Let us not forget that the Ancients warned us: in the end times of the Kali Yuga two-a-penny street prophets and their slavish acolytes will be drawn to the Sacred Tabernacle of Truth that is Tiruvannamalai! etc etc ..."



Friday, December 19, 2008

The mass of Mithras


A seasonal expose of the biggest Chi-Ting cult of them all: Christianity!

This piece is dedicated to all the teenage Born Agains, who congregate around the Quo Vadis (wasn't that a bad Victor Mature movie from the 50s?) Interfaith Centre, where they sell the most expensive chapatis and dosas in all the world!

Was there a Jesus Christ? Probably not, pretty much all evidence was destroyed by Vespasian's son Titus when he sacked Jerusalem in AD70. The only source from the time is Josephus' The Jewish War and the bit about Jesus is a blatant Byzantine insert from the late 4th century AD. There is a document called the Toledot Yeshu, from the 2nd century AD, which talks about a Yeshua ben Pantera who it claims was the bastard son of a temple prostitute and a Greek mercenary in the Roman army called Panther. So if there was a Jesus he was probably the spawn of a hooker and a good-time boy on the piss ... So much for the virgin birth!

The gospels are stitched together for the first time in the late 2nd century AD (during the reign of Marcus Aurelius and then his mad son Commodus) by Ireneaus of Lyons as part of his propaganda war against the Gnostics. Basically these texts are edited and re-arranged by seriously demented old men who are into boy fucking and really hate women! The grumpiest of them all being Tertullian: "I will receive my reward in heaven (fondling cherubs no doubt!) while you sinners will burn in hell etc etc!" Origen of Alexandria even went as far as cutting his bollocks off, so he wouldn't be tempted by sins of the flesh!

What seems to have emerged is a confused synthesis of various dying-resurrecting Gods from the ancient world i.e. Osiris, Horus, Tammuz, Dionysus, Mithra etc ... Then it all gets a brutal re-write when a very ambitious young warlord called Constantine manages to murder his opponents and gain ascendancy in Rome. So he needs a suitable tool to unify his fractious empire and the logic of One God, One Emperor, One Empire serves his ends. Unfortunately Christianity attaches itself like a fatal parasite to the Empire and only 80 years after Constantine's death, Rome is sacked by the Goths followed by a succession of Barbarians over the next 60 years. The Western Empire crumbles into the dark ages, but the Catholic church emerges as the dominant force in Europe and they give us 1000 years of darkness until the Renaissance and the Reformation break their monopoly of power and knowledge. The historian Edward Gibbon in Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, blamed Christianity for the fall of a higher civilisation and a lost millennium and we agree! What has the Church given to the world apart from simony, sodomy and rampant nepotism? Well, bugger all except maybe the inquisition, mass witch burning and collective madness on an unprecedented scale! The writer Gore Vidal has said that: "the adoption of Christian monotheism was the biggest disaster the Western world ever made, a mistake that we have still to recover from!"

Now that we have crawled into the first decade of a new millennium let's consign Christianity to the garbage heap of history and make that ex-Hitler youth Pope Ratzinger an unemployable old Nazi, while we sell his ermine and gold to the poor!

If you really want a laugh we recommend Gore Vidal's Live from Golgotha. It starts with Saint Paul in the sack with Saint Timmy and then gets really deviant!

If you like dry factual stuff (the type of personality profile that enjoys rubbing coarse sandpaper against your genitals until they bleed Thomas à Becket stylie!) we recommend Elaine Pagels' The Gnostic Gospels and The Origins of Satan ...



Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Is Sunanda the new Mary Whitehouse?


Innocent old lady or harpy from hell?

This is the burning question that is igniting the chai shops of Tiruvannamalai. Singlehandedly she has organised a militia of grumpy grannies who are outraged and disgusted by Chi-Ting Apocalypse. These decrepit vigilantes were last seen stalking Usha's restaurant and the Manna Cafe chanting their mantra and battle cry of: "Bring me the head of Kevinanda!" ... They will stop at nothing to emasculate our much loved organ of literary procreation, this wondrous blog! We say to Chi-Ting devotees from all over the globe: Defend this blog with all your might, before these senile delinquents erase us from the mainframe of Advaitic reality!

Here is an example of Sunanda's work that we rescued from our Comments section. Be warned beneath her benign exterior, this woman is truly dangerous!:

I am outraged and disgusted by the cheap way that you take the piss out of that nasty fairy Mark-Hans. [We decided to slightly edit this section of her diatribe, as we were shocked and dismayed by the offensive nature of her assault upon a member of a sexual minority! We suspect Sunanda had been at the gin and sherry again. Like most Moral Outrage Figures, Sunanda is a bit of a lush on the sly!] ... The poor man needs to be institutionalised in a kind and caring Catholic mission, where nuns can attach electrodes to his genitals and he can be given loving electro-therapy until he repents of his rancid perversions. Your disgusting satires make it much harder to save this lost soul from his cycle of egotistical debauchery! Kevinanda, you are a psychologically challenged maggot and will be dealt with accordingly!

Sunanda, The Catholic Mission of the Warped Angels of Mercy
Quo Vadis Interfaith Centre, Tiruvannamalai



Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The News from T.V.Malai


Presented by Satsang Barbie, anchorwoman

"Here is the news from T.V.Malai: the moral police have informed us of a grave and sinister threat to the public good. Same Sex Specialist Mark-Hans has been harassing young men with shoulder massages and promises of tantric diksha. His poster is trying to sell Perfect Pitch but he wants you to be the Perfect Bitch and we can guarantee you'll be howling like a dog if he ever gives you a good drilling! Sick of being home alone with his rooftop sound system and absolutely no visitors (apart from the crippled beggar he seduced with his large wallet!), he will do anything (and we really mean anything!) to get you to attend his satsang. Once he tells you his name (because you won't have a clue who the fuck he is!) he will start to froth at the mouth since you will be giving him your precious attention and then it will be time to get down and dirty. So young men of Tiruvannamalai, preserve your chastity and when you bow down before the divine, make sure Mark-Hans is not lurking behind! ...

Other news ...

The Fuhrer of Neo Advaita, Karl Renz, has taken up residence at Usha's restaurant pretending that he is not giving meetings this year. We think same bullshit, different location! The fawning crowds come to pay homage to the poor man's U.G. Krishnamurti and are usually greeted with his trademark benediction of Bavarian sarcasm (he's even worse than us!), while he slurps coffee and strokes a fluffy white cat in true Blofeld Bond villain style. Percy Bryce Dodgybollox (Poet Laureate of Tiru and Renz-ite sycophant) has been seen giving oral supplication on the Fuhrer's thorny member and has even gone a far as having cosmetic surgery on his front lip for a better fit! This kind of deviant devotion is to be discouraged as a social menace and is yet another crass example of Neo Advaita Mind Fuck Soup, which is as indigestible as it is banal!

And finally ...

Transgendered Alien Russian Junkie, Swami Dharma Sumiran, has been escorting brain damaged housewives from St Petersburg around supposedly spiritually charged sites in Tiruvannamalai, complete with television crew and lights! His posters and website are all in Cyrillic Russian script and are like crop circles: only decipherable to higher intelligences from Alpha Centauri. Like the Pied Piper of Hamelin weaving his merry way to ascended vistas of consciousness, Swami Dharma Sumiran has magically disappeared and will emerge sometime next year with more willing sacrificial victims!" ...



Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Baba Bob memorial edition


Robert Broughton we've been missing you: you and your Machiavellian ways!

FAILED actor, FAILED monk, FAILED satsang teacher, FAILED real estate operator, FAILED sexual abuser (Even his alleged attempted rape of Satsang Barbie alias Miranda went out like a damp squib 3 years ago. Miranda had been thrown out of her 5-star hotel for the night. So Robert nobly invited her to stay for the night. We know what followed, yo ho ho baby! She claims she didn't succumb, but the jury is still out on that one!)

Yes, Robert has failed at everything, he is King Midas in reverse, it all turns to shit in his hands. Does this recurring theme of failure stop Robert or even dent his ego? No, he bounces back like the all-purpose bully he is. But maybe this year he has taken one or two blows too many to his self esteem, for Robert has forsaken Tiruvannamalai for the under-age fleshpots of Brazil! Of course we are gutted that we can't blow him out of the water here, but thanks to the wonders of the Internet our abusive missive should reach him in some shanty town bordello. And we know Bob - it will be a very cheap nasty place. Oh, the horror, the horror! ...

Once upon a time everything was nice and shiny for Robert. He got bit parts in tacky B movies, even playing a murderous rapist who seeks redemption in the afterlife. (Is there a moral in this or is life stranger than fiction?) And best of all he ran the LA franchise for Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now scam, so Bob had a limitless supply of blonde bimbos he could do pervy things to and boy did he go for it! But then came the dreadful day when some of his victims started to complain about this sweaty fat bald bloke whose mantra was Suck It and Be in the Now! So Robert got the sack because Eckhart is a friendly fluffy non-threatening nice veggie type, even though he is a very greedy little runt. So Bob had no more blondes on tap and suddenly he was persona non grata in LA.

Then he flew to Tiruvannamalai in search of new victims. Unfortunately he had just arrived as Mooji mania first hit town. Robert didn't have dreadlocks, didn't have charm or any redeeming feature, so no-one was interested. He was reduced to one very young German boy as his devotee (well, needs must) and Robert found that necessity is the mother of invention and decided that as long as he was on top, it didn't matter what he fucked (a very Roman moral code!) Bob was so pissed off with this turn of events that he tried a black magic smear campaign against Mooji ... But as it was patently obvious to everyone that Mooji is Afro-Caribbean in origin and the only magic involved was his Barry White "Come and roll with the Walrus of Lurv etc etc", yet again Robert failed and retired to the Satya Cafe to scheme away again. He even bought them a cow, but it was to no avail as Mooji's mob moved in and kicked out Bob and his catamite, who were left to sulk in their house across the road. Poor ol' Baba Bob, he doesn't even make the grade as a proper villain but hell, he sure does try! Come on home Robert, we forgive you. We know you're naff, pompous and very nasty, but we totally accept you as you are! Tiru needs a cartoon bad guy to laugh at and you are truly the Dick Dastardly of Advaitic self help therapy!

Thought for the week: In our perfect world Robert and Miranda would get married and become the Ken and Barbie of satsang. Then Miranda would really get her chance to be a desperate housewife! Imagine their non-dual speak: "I am not the mind or the body, so fuck off and die Ken!"

We can hear the sound of smashing crockery like a concerto of Truth!



Classic Chi-Ting moment


We have been informed that the dreadful Florian Tathagata is back in town!

In our opinion there is nothing more revolting than a German war criminal pretending to be a well adjusted fluffy type (Radovan Karadžić's new age odyssey springs to mind!) At least Karl Renz is a proper bastard with no pretence of niceness! So as we can't be bothered to waste any more of our precious bile on this reprobate, we bring you a classic Chi-Ting moment from our archives.

Enjoy ...



Sunday, November 23, 2008

Fat Boy Slim funks it up ...


As the worldwide plague of obesity reaches epidemic proportions, Fat Boy Slim (alias Arunachala Ramana of AHAM) has proved himself to be the harbinger of things to come ... The evolutionary missing link, the veritable Avatar of Gluttony!

Fatty has been abiding in the Self since 1973, also in the kitchen, pantry and any fast food outlets in the area ... Anywhere he can get his hands on nosh in fact and lots of it to shove down his fat gullet. His illumination came about while asking the immortal question: Who am I? Instantly the answer came from on high: "Verily thou art a very greedy bastard from Texas!" From this epiphany the AHAM Ashram was born: basically as a means of securing a consistent food supply for Fattie's voracious appetite. For this huge undertaking lots of gullible punters were needed to finance the whole scam. To this end, evangelical Nazi woman Elizabeth was appointed to keep away any smartasses who might take the piss and also to keep the eatables flowing, while Fatty got on with the serious business of stuffing himself with lots of grub!

AHAM REGISTRATION FORM
Question:
DO YOU MAKE FUN OF FAT PEOPLE?
Answer:
A) All the time!
B) Not often!
C) I'm a bit porky myself!
D) I like being dominated by a power-crazed psycho sister, please give me dog food!

If you have answered A or B you will be instantly ejected from the building and rabid dogs will be loosed on you until you are a viscous red stain in the dirt, even your offal will be consumed! If you have answered C you will be held in a cell for further evaluation. If you have answered D you will instantly be initiated into the cult of AHAM, please get your credit and debit cards ready!

AHAM means ASSOCIATION OF HAPPINESS FOR ALL MANKIND! Excuse me while the Egyptian Mortician pulls my brains out through my nostrils with a hooked needle (SLUUUUURP!)

"Ah, that feels much better. I BELIEVE!"



Sunday, November 16, 2008

Gaia ... Wannabe Wang-kar of the Month


This month's award winner and recipient of our ire and vitriol, is Gaia (yes he's a bloke and German too!) and not forgetting his dreadful girlfriend, an evil variation on the Deutsche ice maiden theme.

Gaia's lineage descends from short-ass troll Isaac Shapiro (who is actually more famous for beating up his ex-wife's lover in Lucknow than his so called spiritual teaching. Last time Shapiro was in Tiru 3 years ago, he got an invite to see Kalki and became a deeksha junkie and has never been back since).

We don't know anyone who has actually been to Gaia's satsang but he's put a lot of colour posters up and has stacked up lots of pamphlets which look lonely and forlorn in internet cafe entrances. His girlfriend is a real deal über bitch who wears her attitude like a strap-on at a dyke's orgy and that's when she's being nice! She must have been spawned from the same alien pod that Benita and Katrina Von Sass slimed out of (they're the 2 spoilt harridans who turned John de Ruiter into such a polygamous figure of fun!) His retreats look like a barrel of laughs too as punters can and I quote: "Deeply give your attention to ESSENCE for a few days, this is supported by ESSENCIAL healing (is this a German pun?) and Feldenkrais! Retreats take place in specially chosen seminar houses with WEALTHY food and nice atmosphere!" We suspect this means that Madam will have ethnically cleansed all the smelly poor people in the vicinity, using their bones as fertiliser for her rather splendid flower arrangements!

Gaia please, we have enough idiots selling bullshit in Tiru already. There is no job vacancy ... Do us all a favour and bugger off back to the Fatherland and take your harpy with you too!



Satsang Barbie


Dear Friends, Luvvies, Darlings and most importantly, sponsors!

It is with a profound feeling of my sacred mission that I feel empowered to spread my gospel of Love, Light and Unlimited Shopping. Unfortunately those slobs from the bank have lowered my credit limit. Now people, it is with a sense of true humility and unconditional acceptance that I say: "Get your act together and gimme some money you cheap bastards!" Let me explain the natural order of things and your place in the food chain. I am blonde, very gorgeous and have an insatiable need to spend money on ME! ME! ME! Your place in the universe is to give sustenance to my retail therapy addiction, while I spout a few spiritual platitudes and give you 30 seconds of my precious attention. As an extra incentive I will be dressed in a shimmering sari (I do so love to be ethnic!) with see-through qualities, so when the light is right you lucky boys will be able to see my perfectly formed pubis and vulva ... So empty your wallets NOW! You know it's worth it!

SATSANG BARBIE, Chairwoman of the Ministry of ME, formerly Miranda Macpherson, formerly Miranda Holden, formerly Glenda Slag etc etc ... (one loses count of one's divorces!)

Satsang Barbie has just joined our editorial staff. She will be revealing her deepest and most profound thoughts in regular articles for Chi-Ting Apocalypse ...



Radha Ma and the Temple of Isis


A New Adventure by Enid Blyton and The Famous Five

"Oh look at that!" said the bossy girl with the hairy thighs. "That must be a temple to the Egyptian Mother Goddess Isis. Do you think this level of conspicuous consumption sets a good example to the serfs and peasants, because they are very prone to scamming and are no longer the lovable lowborns of yore, who we used to wave at in such a patronising manner?"

The rather dense looking boy with the caved-in head (for it is Percy Bryce Dodgybollox, future Poet Laureate of Tiruvannamalai) looked up and spoke: "A rich American devotee of Radha Ma has built this wondrous temple as a monument to sadomasochism, whips and KY jelly. Do you think if I climbed over the wall I could become a sex slave and develop a life-long addiction to kinky sex and general perversion?"

"Oh you stupid boy," said the bossy girl (who later became a Pune über therapist called Ma Prem and then did 2 years in the slammer when the Oregon scam went tit over ass!) "If you go in there they will perform the dismemberment of Osiris and chop you into 7 pieces and throw your fleshy worm to the fishes!"

"Oh I don't like the sound of that!" said a very pale Percy.

She continued: "I heard of a boy who wandered in there and that wicked witch Radha Ma turned him into gingerbread and ate him at one of their monstrous rites."

"Oh that's horrible," said Percy as a yellow dribble of fluid ran down his inner thigh. "But once upon a time wasn't Radha Ma a good person? I even heard that she was going into business with that great Chi-Ting Master Sri Sri SRI Kevinandaji. They were planning to open Tiruvannamalai's first lap dancing and casino complex, which was going to be called The Funky Time Emporium. Can you imagine how much fun we could have had after a hard day's tapas: a little drinking, debauchery and gambling for light relief in the evening. Everyone was gutted when the plans were shelved, but Radha Ma had been seduced by Illuminati agents from the Sparsa Hotel across the road and had turned to the dark side of the force just like Darth Vader. (Who is actually her uncle and takes a keen interest in her progress!) Let's get out of here, it's creepy," said Percy who was still discomfited by a damp sensation in the groin region.

So with a look of trepidation and fear, the children continued down Guru Street occasionally stepping on limbless beggars, who were left wailing and writhing in the dust. Suddenly they arrived at Fat Boy Slim's Burger Bar (for this joint belongs to the obese Texan, Arunachala Ramana and had just had a hip makeover). Percy noticed a big sign saying: Free Burgers for New Devotees! ... "Oh let's go in here as I feel a bit peckish and could do with a bit of sacred cow in a bun!" Percy cried.

The bossy girl eyed the pesky youngster with contempt and said: "If you go in there we will curse you, never to return to Enid's 1950s' world and you will spend lifetimes seeking That Which Is Prior ... Even sucking Karl Renz's thorny cock will not give you absolution!"

"I don't care," said Plucky Percy and he went into the burger bar and was never seen again. Suddenly the Famous Five were now only four!

Percy Bryce Dodgybollox's poetic magnum opus, the charmingly entitled - Taking the Piss Before I Die - is available from the Rip Off Supermarket underneath the incense.



Sunday, November 9, 2008

Chi-Ting: The Movie

As the End Times approach, His Most Righteous Holiness Sri Sri SRI Swami Kevinandaji has manifested a true miracle to fight the forces of darkness.

Be shocked and awed by the news that Earth has been invaded by a reptilian race of satsang gurus, whose secret agenda is to take over the world and enslave humanity. But all is not lost, a hero has risen to fight these slimy lizards!

Now watch on ...




David Icke comes to town!


NEWS FLASH:

Our deep cover agent inside the Ramana Ashram, has just informed us that famed Illuminati conspiracy theorist David Icke has been seen patrolling Ramana's samadhi in the main hall. He even brought his own deck chair to relax in the meditation room. Is he looking for shape-shifting reptilians there? The plot thickens with the news that Mother Meera is giving darshan in Tiru this coming Thursday evening. Is she a little scaly beneath her sari? Is the Witchfinder General, Mr Icke, on her case?

All will be revealed in the next exciting episode of Chi-Ting Apocalypse ...



Thursday, November 6, 2008

Roman orgy world


It is rumoured on the grapevine that Redneck Rudi - the infamous Lackey of Lurv - In Supremo Tony Tubby Moo (alias Mooji) has been preparing Nanna Garu Ashram for Mooji's triumphal return to Tiru.

Tony's faithful gang, Brixton's finest - The Cocaine Consciousness Crew - are also set to be in residence and the ashram will undergo a makeover becoming Roman Orgy World in time for the silent retreat. Rudi has been employing a team of trained artists to paint lurid frescoes of debauched nymphs and cherubs, just to get the team in the mood. Reiki Shiva is also planning to improve on last years body count of 5 at a time, which he considered an insignificant score considering the grope-able talent on show. Pep pills and nose powder will also be freely available for anyone whose stamina starts to flag in the midst of the Dionysian festivities. A vomitorium will be decked out in psychedelic purple lycra just to give the bile and carrots a helping hand.

And finally as a special treat for the glorious leader, a hospital room with a funky automated massage bed has been added. A team of Latino nurses dressed in white mini skirts, suspenders and kinky hats will be on hand to mop Tony's sweating brow.

ALL HAIL THE MESSIAH OF THE COMING AGE!



Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Death threats


It's been reported to us that death threats were consistently made by a Radha Ma devotee about the original Chi-Ting website ... 

Now this is probably just hot air and macho posturing ... but to even contemplate murder in defence of, shall we call it, Truth or Love is a very scary medieval mindset, more commonly seen in Iraq or Afghanistan rather than on the streets of Tiru. The person in question has replaced a 20 year addiction to a chemical substance (i.e. heroin) with an unhealthy codependency with a supposedly divine being (i.e. Radha). Quite how threatening to exterminate the writers of this blog fits into this confused religious drama we haven't quite worked out yet. But please, if any readers have an excess of testosterone and self righteous indignation, please go to the Holy Land and kill infidels or reform the Spanish Inquisition and do silly things with whips ... We guarantee you will feel much better after this bout of therapy!

Anyone with a modicum of intelligence and a reasonable grasp of English can see that this blog is just spoof satire. We are not sacrificing babies and if a few overinflated egos get punctured en route, so what! That is the price of seeking power and dominion over others! All the gurus and teachers that we take the mickey out of, make very comfortable livings in one way or another out of supposedly giving spiritual guidance. That makes them fair game! They have taken the golden dollar and put themselves on an altar above mere mortals and we feel free to offer them a reality check. If you don't like it, DON'T READ IT. It's very simple!

After the last website was published we received an Advaita fatwā from that manic Master of the Universe, Madhukar, who sentenced us to 86 million rebirths with no chance of the redemption of nirvana. We sent him a polite reply asking if we could take a big book as this was rather a long time! We got no response, which just goes to show that Madhukar is truly Ming the Merciless, Tyrant of the Cosmos - a being beyond compassion - and with his track record of sexual abuse, it's not surprising!



Sunday, November 2, 2008

Jacqueline does Oprah


NEWS FLASH:

Our undercover agent has just reported that local literary luminary Jacqueline Maria Longstaff (see full details in October's Book Review) is set to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Will this be the start of global acclaim und geld for our Jacqueline, whose quaint concept of a cosmic airport is set to explode across the worlds consciousness (A place where women can give birth and a place for people to die! Urrr ... sounds like a fluffy paradise for the confused over 50s!) Will she follow the example of Angelology expert Doreen Virtue and make a donations-funded tour of all the plastic surgeons in the San Fran Bay area?

We await events with baited breath!



Thursday, October 30, 2008

Book review of the month


Well here on Planet Tiru the monsoon seems to have finally come and everyone has fever or flu. Fortunately the 5-6 hour/day power cuts seem to have stopped. So at least we can be sick in relative comfort and catch up on some reading ... and what a gem of a book I discovered ...

The Last Waltz by Jacqueline Marie Longstaff of the Singing Heart Ashram, a couple of miles past Rangammal Hospital on the Bangalore Road.

First published in 2004 this has become a classic of its genre, a spiritual Listen with Mother for those with cerebral palsy. It's appallingly written, with trite kindergarten jokes at the end of every chapter for extra laughter therapy! Most of the content is unashamedly lifted from David Icke, who she lavishes praise on it in a sycophantic frenzy. You've guessed it: lizards, the Illuminati, mind control sex slaves and Manchurian candidates etc, etc. But worst of all, a sinister plot by the Teletubbies to brainwash toddlers, before they even have a chance to be really stupid. Another one of her sparks of genius is for sexual deviants to have a SPANK HOLIDAY MONDAY (No I'm not making it up!) So every Monday there would be a phalanx of bare backsides exposed ready to be whipped, impaled or whatever. This would obviously rectify all sexual and psychological guilt and we would all be happy brainwashed bunnies. (Would it stop the rapist en route to the Skanda Ashram?) ...

You can guess here, background Pune late 70s, lots of confrontation groups and therapy and then a trawl through the detritus of the New Age (Barbara Marciniak, Pleiadians etc etc), before meeting her soulmate Mr Icke ... The funny thing is that she claims to distrust the New Age movement as stooges for those naughty Illuminati ... I do find it amazing how people like Jacqueline Longstaff swallow fear-based conspiracy theories (which are deeply dualist by nature) and then attempt some surreal shotgun marriage with non-dualist Advaita. It's a dialectical Frankenstein of epic proportions and takes a very confused mind to reconcile its inherent nonsense ...

I have to admit Ms Longstaff is a real trooper (of the space cadet kind!) and I haven't pissed myself laughing like this for a long time, but God help those poor fools who give her money for spiritual guidance. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and with her help it could get very, very scary!



Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Auro-Vile Cook Book


THE AURO-VILE LEAGUE OF EXPLOITATION PRESENTS: 
THE AURO-VILE COOK BOOK

MIX TOGETHER:
1) TAMIL SLAVE LABOUR
2) FRENCH PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL WANKERS
3) A LITTLE DOCTRINAIRE EVOLUTIONARY BULLSHIT
4) EXTORTIONATE PRICES
WHIP TO A FRENZY IN A BLENDER ...


THE RESULT: EXPLOITATIVE CAPITALISM FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM. 
ET VOILA, NATURELLEMENT!



Death by real estate


The real estate feeding frenzy has reached a crescendo ...

The area behind Yogi Ramsuratkumar's ashram has been turned into a neo-Disneyland of garish, psychedelic houses (extreme pink and purple seem to be the colours of choice!) Plots of land in the outlying areas around Ramana Nagar are being sold at virtually New York rates ... How long will this sustain before the bubble bursts and the whole things implodes into a bad acid wasteland populated by sadhus from hell! Unlike the housing boom in the West which was fuelled by credit from the banks, Tiruvannamalai seems to be a vortex of black market monies. But this house of cards is dependent on more and more tourists renting property yearly - and with recession in the West and more visa restrictions will it continue?

The basic facts are that as more and more houses are built with bore wells as the only source of water, the water table drops to unsustainable levels. Local farmers have stopped growing rice and other produce and now just sell plots of land for development. But what happens when there is no more land left to sell and all the money has been spent on consumer goodies? We are looking at an ecological and social collapse of unprecedented proportions! ... And while all of this madness is going on we have Radha Ma devotees building pseudo-Egyptian temples which cost vast sums of money, all in the pursuit of self-indulgent vanity and ostentation.

There must be a parable in this because it's all going to come on top big time ...



Chi-Ting Master

Biography

Born in the Nottinghamshire village of Little Pissup on the Trent in 1959. His Father Bert was a bit soft in the head and Mother Ada addicted to tranquilisers and gin, so little Kevinandaji grew up in a deeply deprived environment and was often seen sucking lumps of coal as sweets were not available in this austere upbringing. Kevinanda first made his mark on the world when as a child prodigy at the age of 7, he discovered pyromania and burnt down his local primary school to celebrate England's football victory over Germany in 1966. Despite a childhood filled with petty larceny, arson and random violence, Kevinandaji retained a warm and loving personality with his heart warming catch phrase, "Give us some money yer fucken hippy cunt!" As the 1970s dawned and cultural nihilism became the norm, Kevinanda had his first epiphany while watching Stanley Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange and was often seen employing an ultra violent version of Singing in the Rain on unfortunate drunks in the local underpass ... Kevinanda's first brush with fame came as a roadie and narcotic supplier for proto punk band, S&M GANG BANG, whose anthem Cheese Grater I Up! was the cause of self-mutilation across the UK ...

By the late 70s and early 80s Kevinanda had graduated to the new frontier of credit card fraud and rampant binges of shoplifting to feed his monstrous drug habit. Finally in 1985 Mr Plod in the form of law and order sentenced Kevinanda to 5 years in Pentonville Gaol ... After some extreme psychotic fits he was transferred to the Broadmoor Secure Unit for the criminally insane, where he made lifelong friends with the Kray Twins and Myra Hindley who became his surrogate auntie ... During a period in solitary confinement Kevinandaji had his first experience of samadhi and realised the Oneness of All, metamorphosing into the All Loving (well, sometimes!) Apostle of Chi-Ting ...

After his release from confinement Kevinandaji toured the world but found his gospel fell on deaf ears until finally he arrived in Tiruvannamalai in the late 90s. The rest is history!



Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The second cuming of Kevinanda


GURU GOSSIP & CULTURAL CATACLYSM ...
From Tiruvannamalai, South India


As we enter the End Times, His Holiness Sri Sri SRI Swami Kevinandaji has arisen from his narcotic slumber deep in the bowels of the sacred mountain. His purpose to lead his legion of the damned, the lame, the holt (and the thoroughly corrupt) to the land of milk and honey ... while the guru loving hordes are dispatched to a purgatory of infinite torture. They will be tied down and made to listen to the inane satsangs of Karl Renz and Mooji simultaneously - hopefully until their circuits burn out and they become a conflagration of autoerotic banality ...

While governments tremble, banks collapse and the world of consumer credit chokes on its debit cards ... His Holiness has appeared to give special dispensation to Chi-Ting devotees and take them up to the safety of the Mothership, while everyone else fries in a fricassée of their own sin and lack of devotion to the Truth of Chi-Ting ... Rejoice, salvation is at hand ...

His Most Righteous Holiness Sri Sri SRI Swami Kevinandaji