Saturday, December 27, 2008

Thus sprecht David Godman

The Right Honourable David Godman, Divinely Appointed Scribe to the Enlightened, Order of the Magi and Initiate of the Illuminati Secret Society to Control the World (Sparsa Hotel, T.V.Malai). Codename: FUCKWIT ...

"It is with a vague sense of distaste and distemper that one has noticed the encroachment of members of the lower orders into the sacred sanctuary of Tiruvannamalai. These proletarian scavengers must be sent packing at the first available opportunity. The most repellent of these arriviste wannabes derive from the unfortunate car crash of Rajneesh/Osho groupies who arrived en masse at Papaji's door in the early 90s. As the great man said to me in my magnum opus Nothing Ever Happened (Book 2 page 975 in the chapter entitled Whole Lotta Nothing!): 'None of these morons has got what it takes!' and one heartily agrees with this concise synopsis! In my distinguished opinion the worst example of this trend is Mooji, that Rastafarian with the large girth and the Linford Lunchbox (he must be packing and I don't mean candy!) He has imported a wave of Goan heathens who cannot even tie their own shoelaces, even if they miraculously owned a proper pair of shoes! Fortunately this ersatz Jamaican Jesus and his drugged-up sidekick Reiki Shiva have arranged for their cretinous followers to remain in silence, while Shiva picks their pockets in search of debit cards, after a furtive evening's debauch (or is it a confused and sweaty search for Truth!)

One has also noticed the exorbitant increase in prices at the Rip Off Supermarket, especially the products from those dreadful Frogs and their international gang of pseudo-intellectuals from Auro-vile. Not content with expounding their pathetic evolutionary ideology, they are now flogging overpriced groceries!

Further, it has been reported that local heroine and icon of moral rejuvenation Sunanda Whitehouse has been seen at a seasonal event, held at the House of the Red Mooncup, writhing on the floor and speaking in tongues after a slightly excessive dosage of Soma. Sunanda will now be taking up residence as the new Delphic oracle in the subterranean chambers beneath the Manna Cafe. Prophecies and darshan will be given at 4pm daily!

In conclusion, I have decided not to grace Ramana Nagar with my presence, while these dreadful proles are in evidence. One is left pining away in my luxury lakeside villa (though one still remains a simple sadhu at heart!) with my musty old library and the pungent memory of past glories, Waiting for Godot to enter stage left! But as a consolation to the masses, I will arrive resplendent with a truckload of my populist tome, Be As You Are, which will be given away gratis to those capable of reading! One endures, one is profoundly stoical, amidst this social cataclysm!

Let us not forget that the Ancients warned us: in the end times of the Kali Yuga two-a-penny street prophets and their slavish acolytes will be drawn to the Sacred Tabernacle of Truth that is Tiruvannamalai! etc etc ..."

Friday, December 19, 2008

The mass of Mithras

A seasonal expose of the biggest Chi-Ting cult of them all: Christianity!

This piece is dedicated to all the teenage Born Agains, who congregate around the Quo Vadis (wasn't that a bad Victor Mature movie from the 50s?) Interfaith Centre, where they sell the most expensive chapatis and dosas in all the world!

Was there a Jesus Christ? Probably not, pretty much all evidence was destroyed by Vespasian's son Titus when he sacked Jerusalem in AD70. The only source from the time is Josephus' The Jewish War and the bit about Jesus is a blatant Byzantine insert from the late 4th century AD. There is a document called the Toledot Yeshu, from the 2nd century AD, which talks about a Yeshua ben Pantera who it claims was the bastard son of a temple prostitute and a Greek mercenary in the Roman army called Panther. So if there was a Jesus he was probably the spawn of a hooker and a good-time boy on the piss ... So much for the virgin birth!

The gospels are stitched together for the first time in the late 2nd century AD (during the reign of Marcus Aurelius and then his mad son Commodus) by Ireneaus of Lyons as part of his propaganda war against the Gnostics. Basically these texts are edited and re-arranged by seriously demented old men who are into boy fucking and really hate women! The grumpiest of them all being Tertullian: "I will receive my reward in heaven (fondling cherubs no doubt!) while you sinners will burn in hell etc etc!" Origen of Alexandria even went as far as cutting his bollocks off, so he wouldn't be tempted by sins of the flesh!

What seems to have emerged is a confused synthesis of various dying-resurrecting Gods from the ancient world i.e. Osiris, Horus, Tammuz, Dionysus, Mithra etc ... Then it all gets a brutal re-write when a very ambitious young warlord called Constantine manages to murder his opponents and gain ascendancy in Rome. So he needs a suitable tool to unify his fractious empire and the logic of One God, One Emperor, One Empire serves his ends. Unfortunately Christianity attaches itself like a fatal parasite to the Empire and only 80 years after Constantine's death, Rome is sacked by the Goths followed by a succession of Barbarians over the next 60 years. The Western Empire crumbles into the dark ages, but the Catholic church emerges as the dominant force in Europe and they give us 1000 years of darkness until the Renaissance and the Reformation break their monopoly of power and knowledge. The historian Edward Gibbon in Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, blamed Christianity for the fall of a higher civilisation and a lost millennium and we agree! What has the Church given to the world apart from simony, sodomy and rampant nepotism? Well, bugger all except maybe the inquisition, mass witch burning and collective madness on an unprecedented scale! The writer Gore Vidal has said that: "the adoption of Christian monotheism was the biggest disaster the Western world ever made, a mistake that we have still to recover from!"

Now that we have crawled into the first decade of a new millennium let's consign Christianity to the garbage heap of history and make that ex-Hitler youth Pope Ratzinger an unemployable old Nazi, while we sell his ermine and gold to the poor!

If you really want a laugh we recommend Gore Vidal's Live from Golgotha. It starts with Saint Paul in the sack with Saint Timmy and then gets really deviant!

If you like dry factual stuff (the type of personality profile that enjoys rubbing coarse sandpaper against your genitals until they bleed Thomas à Becket stylie!) we recommend Elaine Pagels' The Gnostic Gospels and The Origins of Satan ...

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Is Sunanda the new Mary Whitehouse?

Innocent old lady or harpy from hell?

This is the burning question that is igniting the chai shops of Tiruvannamalai. Singlehandedly she has organised a militia of grumpy grannies who are outraged and disgusted by Chi-Ting Apocalypse. These decrepit vigilantes were last seen stalking Usha's restaurant and the Manna Cafe chanting their mantra and battle cry of: "Bring me the head of Kevinanda!" ... They will stop at nothing to emasculate our much loved organ of literary procreation, this wondrous blog! We say to Chi-Ting devotees from all over the globe: Defend this blog with all your might, before these senile delinquents erase us from the mainframe of Advaitic reality!

Here is an example of Sunanda's work that we rescued from our Comments section. Be warned beneath her benign exterior, this woman is truly dangerous!:

I am outraged and disgusted by the cheap way that you take the piss out of that nasty fairy Mark-Hans. [We decided to slightly edit this section of her diatribe, as we were shocked and dismayed by the offensive nature of her assault upon a member of a sexual minority! We suspect Sunanda had been at the gin and sherry again. Like most Moral Outrage Figures, Sunanda is a bit of a lush on the sly!] ... The poor man needs to be institutionalised in a kind and caring Catholic mission, where nuns can attach electrodes to his genitals and he can be given loving electro-therapy until he repents of his rancid perversions. Your disgusting satires make it much harder to save this lost soul from his cycle of egotistical debauchery! Kevinanda, you are a psychologically challenged maggot and will be dealt with accordingly!

Sunanda, The Catholic Mission of the Warped Angels of Mercy
Quo Vadis Interfaith Centre, Tiruvannamalai

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The News from T.V.Malai

Presented by Satsang Barbie, anchorwoman

"Here is the news from T.V.Malai: the moral police have informed us of a grave and sinister threat to the public good. Same Sex Specialist Mark-Hans has been harassing young men with shoulder massages and promises of tantric diksha. His poster is trying to sell Perfect Pitch but he wants you to be the Perfect Bitch and we can guarantee you'll be howling like a dog if he ever gives you a good drilling! Sick of being home alone with his rooftop sound system and absolutely no visitors (apart from the crippled beggar he seduced with his large wallet!), he will do anything (and we really mean anything!) to get you to attend his satsang. Once he tells you his name (because you won't have a clue who the fuck he is!) he will start to froth at the mouth since you will be giving him your precious attention and then it will be time to get down and dirty. So young men of Tiruvannamalai, preserve your chastity and when you bow down before the divine, make sure Mark-Hans is not lurking behind! ...

Other news ...

The Fuhrer of Neo Advaita, Karl Renz, has taken up residence at Usha's restaurant pretending that he is not giving meetings this year. We think same bullshit, different location! The fawning crowds come to pay homage to the poor man's U.G. Krishnamurti and are usually greeted with his trademark benediction of Bavarian sarcasm (he's even worse than us!), while he slurps coffee and strokes a fluffy white cat in true Blofeld Bond villain style. Percy Bryce Dodgybollox (Poet Laureate of Tiru and Renz-ite sycophant) has been seen giving oral supplication on the Fuhrer's thorny member and has even gone a far as having cosmetic surgery on his front lip for a better fit! This kind of deviant devotion is to be discouraged as a social menace and is yet another crass example of Neo Advaita Mind Fuck Soup, which is as indigestible as it is banal!

And finally ...

Transgendered Alien Russian Junkie, Swami Dharma Sumiran, has been escorting brain damaged housewives from St Petersburg around supposedly spiritually charged sites in Tiruvannamalai, complete with television crew and lights! His posters and website are all in Cyrillic Russian script and are like crop circles: only decipherable to higher intelligences from Alpha Centauri. Like the Pied Piper of Hamelin weaving his merry way to ascended vistas of consciousness, Swami Dharma Sumiran has magically disappeared and will emerge sometime next year with more willing sacrificial victims!" ...

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Baba Bob memorial edition

Robert Broughton we've been missing you: you and your Machiavellian ways!

FAILED actor, FAILED monk, FAILED satsang teacher, FAILED real estate operator, FAILED sexual abuser (Even his alleged attempted rape of Satsang Barbie alias Miranda went out like a damp squib 3 years ago. Miranda had been thrown out of her 5-star hotel for the night. So Robert nobly invited her to stay for the night. We know what followed, yo ho ho baby! She claims she didn't succumb, but the jury is still out on that one!)

Yes, Robert has failed at everything, he is King Midas in reverse, it all turns to shit in his hands. Does this recurring theme of failure stop Robert or even dent his ego? No, he bounces back like the all-purpose bully he is. But maybe this year he has taken one or two blows too many to his self esteem, for Robert has forsaken Tiruvannamalai for the under-age fleshpots of Brazil! Of course we are gutted that we can't blow him out of the water here, but thanks to the wonders of the Internet our abusive missive should reach him in some shanty town bordello. And we know Bob - it will be a very cheap nasty place. Oh, the horror, the horror! ...

Once upon a time everything was nice and shiny for Robert. He got bit parts in tacky B movies, even playing a murderous rapist who seeks redemption in the afterlife. (Is there a moral in this or is life stranger than fiction?) And best of all he ran the LA franchise for Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now scam, so Bob had a limitless supply of blonde bimbos he could do pervy things to and boy did he go for it! But then came the dreadful day when some of his victims started to complain about this sweaty fat bald bloke whose mantra was Suck It and Be in the Now! So Robert got the sack because Eckhart is a friendly fluffy non-threatening nice veggie type, even though he is a very greedy little runt. So Bob had no more blondes on tap and suddenly he was persona non grata in LA.

Then he flew to Tiruvannamalai in search of new victims. Unfortunately he had just arrived as Mooji mania first hit town. Robert didn't have dreadlocks, didn't have charm or any redeeming feature, so no-one was interested. He was reduced to one very young German boy as his devotee (well, needs must) and Robert found that necessity is the mother of invention and decided that as long as he was on top, it didn't matter what he fucked (a very Roman moral code!) Bob was so pissed off with this turn of events that he tried a black magic smear campaign against Mooji ... But as it was patently obvious to everyone that Mooji is Afro-Caribbean in origin and the only magic involved was his Barry White "Come and roll with the Walrus of Lurv etc etc", yet again Robert failed and retired to the Satya Cafe to scheme away again. He even bought them a cow, but it was to no avail as Mooji's mob moved in and kicked out Bob and his catamite, who were left to sulk in their house across the road. Poor ol' Baba Bob, he doesn't even make the grade as a proper villain but hell, he sure does try! Come on home Robert, we forgive you. We know you're naff, pompous and very nasty, but we totally accept you as you are! Tiru needs a cartoon bad guy to laugh at and you are truly the Dick Dastardly of Advaitic self help therapy!

Thought for the week: In our perfect world Robert and Miranda would get married and become the Ken and Barbie of satsang. Then Miranda would really get her chance to be a desperate housewife! Imagine their non-dual speak: "I am not the mind or the body, so fuck off and die Ken!"

We can hear the sound of smashing crockery like a concerto of Truth!

Classic Chi-Ting moment

We have been informed that the dreadful Florian Tathagata is back in town!

In our opinion there is nothing more revolting than a German war criminal pretending to be a well adjusted fluffy type (Radovan Karadžić's new age odyssey springs to mind!) At least Karl Renz is a proper bastard with no pretence of niceness! So as we can't be bothered to waste any more of our precious bile on this reprobate, we bring you a classic Chi-Ting moment from our archives.

Enjoy ...