Sunday, November 23, 2008

Fat Boy Slim funks it up ...


As the worldwide plague of obesity reaches epidemic proportions, Fat Boy Slim (alias Arunachala Ramana of AHAM) has proved himself to be the harbinger of things to come ... The evolutionary missing link, the veritable Avatar of Gluttony!

Fatty has been abiding in the Self since 1973, also in the kitchen, pantry and any fast food outlets in the area ... Anywhere he can get his hands on nosh in fact and lots of it to shove down his fat gullet. His illumination came about while asking the immortal question: Who am I? Instantly the answer came from on high: "Verily thou art a very greedy bastard from Texas!" From this epiphany the AHAM Ashram was born: basically as a means of securing a consistent food supply for Fattie's voracious appetite. For this huge undertaking lots of gullible punters were needed to finance the whole scam. To this end, evangelical Nazi woman Elizabeth was appointed to keep away any smartasses who might take the piss and also to keep the eatables flowing, while Fatty got on with the serious business of stuffing himself with lots of grub!

AHAM REGISTRATION FORM
Question:
DO YOU MAKE FUN OF FAT PEOPLE?
Answer:
A) All the time!
B) Not often!
C) I'm a bit porky myself!
D) I like being dominated by a power-crazed psycho sister, please give me dog food!

If you have answered A or B you will be instantly ejected from the building and rabid dogs will be loosed on you until you are a viscous red stain in the dirt, even your offal will be consumed! If you have answered C you will be held in a cell for further evaluation. If you have answered D you will instantly be initiated into the cult of AHAM, please get your credit and debit cards ready!

AHAM means ASSOCIATION OF HAPPINESS FOR ALL MANKIND! Excuse me while the Egyptian Mortician pulls my brains out through my nostrils with a hooked needle (SLUUUUURP!)

"Ah, that feels much better. I BELIEVE!"



Sunday, November 16, 2008

Gaia ... Wannabe Wang-kar of the Month


This month's award winner and recipient of our ire and vitriol, is Gaia (yes he's a bloke and German too!) and not forgetting his dreadful girlfriend, an evil variation on the Deutsche ice maiden theme.

Gaia's lineage descends from short-ass troll Isaac Shapiro (who is actually more famous for beating up his ex-wife's lover in Lucknow than his so called spiritual teaching. Last time Shapiro was in Tiru 3 years ago, he got an invite to see Kalki and became a deeksha junkie and has never been back since).

We don't know anyone who has actually been to Gaia's satsang but he's put a lot of colour posters up and has stacked up lots of pamphlets which look lonely and forlorn in internet cafe entrances. His girlfriend is a real deal über bitch who wears her attitude like a strap-on at a dyke's orgy and that's when she's being nice! She must have been spawned from the same alien pod that Benita and Katrina Von Sass slimed out of (they're the 2 spoilt harridans who turned John de Ruiter into such a polygamous figure of fun!) His retreats look like a barrel of laughs too as punters can and I quote: "Deeply give your attention to ESSENCE for a few days, this is supported by ESSENCIAL healing (is this a German pun?) and Feldenkrais! Retreats take place in specially chosen seminar houses with WEALTHY food and nice atmosphere!" We suspect this means that Madam will have ethnically cleansed all the smelly poor people in the vicinity, using their bones as fertiliser for her rather splendid flower arrangements!

Gaia please, we have enough idiots selling bullshit in Tiru already. There is no job vacancy ... Do us all a favour and bugger off back to the Fatherland and take your harpy with you too!



Satsang Barbie


Dear Friends, Luvvies, Darlings and most importantly, sponsors!

It is with a profound feeling of my sacred mission that I feel empowered to spread my gospel of Love, Light and Unlimited Shopping. Unfortunately those slobs from the bank have lowered my credit limit. Now people, it is with a sense of true humility and unconditional acceptance that I say: "Get your act together and gimme some money you cheap bastards!" Let me explain the natural order of things and your place in the food chain. I am blonde, very gorgeous and have an insatiable need to spend money on ME! ME! ME! Your place in the universe is to give sustenance to my retail therapy addiction, while I spout a few spiritual platitudes and give you 30 seconds of my precious attention. As an extra incentive I will be dressed in a shimmering sari (I do so love to be ethnic!) with see-through qualities, so when the light is right you lucky boys will be able to see my perfectly formed pubis and vulva ... So empty your wallets NOW! You know it's worth it!

SATSANG BARBIE, Chairwoman of the Ministry of ME, formerly Miranda Macpherson, formerly Miranda Holden, formerly Glenda Slag etc etc ... (one loses count of one's divorces!)

Satsang Barbie has just joined our editorial staff. She will be revealing her deepest and most profound thoughts in regular articles for Chi-Ting Apocalypse ...



Radha Ma and the Temple of Isis


A New Adventure by Enid Blyton and The Famous Five

"Oh look at that!" said the bossy girl with the hairy thighs. "That must be a temple to the Egyptian Mother Goddess Isis. Do you think this level of conspicuous consumption sets a good example to the serfs and peasants, because they are very prone to scamming and are no longer the lovable lowborns of yore, who we used to wave at in such a patronising manner?"

The rather dense looking boy with the caved-in head (for it is Percy Bryce Dodgybollox, future Poet Laureate of Tiruvannamalai) looked up and spoke: "A rich American devotee of Radha Ma has built this wondrous temple as a monument to sadomasochism, whips and KY jelly. Do you think if I climbed over the wall I could become a sex slave and develop a life-long addiction to kinky sex and general perversion?"

"Oh you stupid boy," said the bossy girl (who later became a Pune über therapist called Ma Prem and then did 2 years in the slammer when the Oregon scam went tit over ass!) "If you go in there they will perform the dismemberment of Osiris and chop you into 7 pieces and throw your fleshy worm to the fishes!"

"Oh I don't like the sound of that!" said a very pale Percy.

She continued: "I heard of a boy who wandered in there and that wicked witch Radha Ma turned him into gingerbread and ate him at one of their monstrous rites."

"Oh that's horrible," said Percy as a yellow dribble of fluid ran down his inner thigh. "But once upon a time wasn't Radha Ma a good person? I even heard that she was going into business with that great Chi-Ting Master Sri Sri SRI Kevinandaji. They were planning to open Tiruvannamalai's first lap dancing and casino complex, which was going to be called The Funky Time Emporium. Can you imagine how much fun we could have had after a hard day's tapas: a little drinking, debauchery and gambling for light relief in the evening. Everyone was gutted when the plans were shelved, but Radha Ma had been seduced by Illuminati agents from the Sparsa Hotel across the road and had turned to the dark side of the force just like Darth Vader. (Who is actually her uncle and takes a keen interest in her progress!) Let's get out of here, it's creepy," said Percy who was still discomfited by a damp sensation in the groin region.

So with a look of trepidation and fear, the children continued down Guru Street occasionally stepping on limbless beggars, who were left wailing and writhing in the dust. Suddenly they arrived at Fat Boy Slim's Burger Bar (for this joint belongs to the obese Texan, Arunachala Ramana and had just had a hip makeover). Percy noticed a big sign saying: Free Burgers for New Devotees! ... "Oh let's go in here as I feel a bit peckish and could do with a bit of sacred cow in a bun!" Percy cried.

The bossy girl eyed the pesky youngster with contempt and said: "If you go in there we will curse you, never to return to Enid's 1950s' world and you will spend lifetimes seeking That Which Is Prior ... Even sucking Karl Renz's thorny cock will not give you absolution!"

"I don't care," said Plucky Percy and he went into the burger bar and was never seen again. Suddenly the Famous Five were now only four!

Percy Bryce Dodgybollox's poetic magnum opus, the charmingly entitled - Taking the Piss Before I Die - is available from the Rip Off Supermarket underneath the incense.



Sunday, November 9, 2008

Chi-Ting: The Movie

As the End Times approach, His Most Righteous Holiness Sri Sri SRI Swami Kevinandaji has manifested a true miracle to fight the forces of darkness.

Be shocked and awed by the news that Earth has been invaded by a reptilian race of satsang gurus, whose secret agenda is to take over the world and enslave humanity. But all is not lost, a hero has risen to fight these slimy lizards!

Now watch on ...




David Icke comes to town!


NEWS FLASH:

Our deep cover agent inside the Ramana Ashram, has just informed us that famed Illuminati conspiracy theorist David Icke has been seen patrolling Ramana's samadhi in the main hall. He even brought his own deck chair to relax in the meditation room. Is he looking for shape-shifting reptilians there? The plot thickens with the news that Mother Meera is giving darshan in Tiru this coming Thursday evening. Is she a little scaly beneath her sari? Is the Witchfinder General, Mr Icke, on her case?

All will be revealed in the next exciting episode of Chi-Ting Apocalypse ...



Thursday, November 6, 2008

Roman orgy world


It is rumoured on the grapevine that Redneck Rudi - the infamous Lackey of Lurv - In Supremo Tony Tubby Moo (alias Mooji) has been preparing Nanna Garu Ashram for Mooji's triumphal return to Tiru.

Tony's faithful gang, Brixton's finest - The Cocaine Consciousness Crew - are also set to be in residence and the ashram will undergo a makeover becoming Roman Orgy World in time for the silent retreat. Rudi has been employing a team of trained artists to paint lurid frescoes of debauched nymphs and cherubs, just to get the team in the mood. Reiki Shiva is also planning to improve on last years body count of 5 at a time, which he considered an insignificant score considering the grope-able talent on show. Pep pills and nose powder will also be freely available for anyone whose stamina starts to flag in the midst of the Dionysian festivities. A vomitorium will be decked out in psychedelic purple lycra just to give the bile and carrots a helping hand.

And finally as a special treat for the glorious leader, a hospital room with a funky automated massage bed has been added. A team of Latino nurses dressed in white mini skirts, suspenders and kinky hats will be on hand to mop Tony's sweating brow.

ALL HAIL THE MESSIAH OF THE COMING AGE!



Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Death threats


It's been reported to us that death threats were consistently made by a Radha Ma devotee about the original Chi-Ting website ... 

Now this is probably just hot air and macho posturing ... but to even contemplate murder in defence of, shall we call it, Truth or Love is a very scary medieval mindset, more commonly seen in Iraq or Afghanistan rather than on the streets of Tiru. The person in question has replaced a 20 year addiction to a chemical substance (i.e. heroin) with an unhealthy codependency with a supposedly divine being (i.e. Radha). Quite how threatening to exterminate the writers of this blog fits into this confused religious drama we haven't quite worked out yet. But please, if any readers have an excess of testosterone and self righteous indignation, please go to the Holy Land and kill infidels or reform the Spanish Inquisition and do silly things with whips ... We guarantee you will feel much better after this bout of therapy!

Anyone with a modicum of intelligence and a reasonable grasp of English can see that this blog is just spoof satire. We are not sacrificing babies and if a few overinflated egos get punctured en route, so what! That is the price of seeking power and dominion over others! All the gurus and teachers that we take the mickey out of, make very comfortable livings in one way or another out of supposedly giving spiritual guidance. That makes them fair game! They have taken the golden dollar and put themselves on an altar above mere mortals and we feel free to offer them a reality check. If you don't like it, DON'T READ IT. It's very simple!

After the last website was published we received an Advaita fatwā from that manic Master of the Universe, Madhukar, who sentenced us to 86 million rebirths with no chance of the redemption of nirvana. We sent him a polite reply asking if we could take a big book as this was rather a long time! We got no response, which just goes to show that Madhukar is truly Ming the Merciless, Tyrant of the Cosmos - a being beyond compassion - and with his track record of sexual abuse, it's not surprising!



Sunday, November 2, 2008

Jacqueline does Oprah


NEWS FLASH:

Our undercover agent has just reported that local literary luminary Jacqueline Maria Longstaff (see full details in October's Book Review) is set to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Will this be the start of global acclaim und geld for our Jacqueline, whose quaint concept of a cosmic airport is set to explode across the worlds consciousness (A place where women can give birth and a place for people to die! Urrr ... sounds like a fluffy paradise for the confused over 50s!) Will she follow the example of Angelology expert Doreen Virtue and make a donations-funded tour of all the plastic surgeons in the San Fran Bay area?

We await events with baited breath!