Friday, December 24, 2010

Chi-Ting Christmas address

Dear Readers

Now that your turkey costs 3 trillion dollars and your house is completely worthless, we thought a patronising moral homily from these 2 fine upstanding sociopaths would fill you with the requisite seasonal joy.

"There is only one God: the Holy Trinity of Money, Power and Corruption."

"There is no God: only the Science of ME, ME, ME!"

While pondering these uplifting and inspirational diatribes, we have concluded that none of these worthless bastards exist. They are all part of the smorgasbord of maya and lila that captivates and deludes us into believing this silly bloody story.

So don't worry about saving the rainforests - or the decimation of the species by HAARP technology and the approach of Planet Nibiru. There is liberation in the End Times and The Rapture is available priced £450 from Mooji Inc while stocks last!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Here's Jimmy ...

Now that the Archangel Gabriel has left us for more salubrious climes, we are left to greet a less affable soul in the shape of our favourite troll-about-town, James Swartz alias Ram.

Now Jimmy is famous for his rants against Neo Advaita and he will pontificate at great length from his pulpit in Usha's restaurant against the evils of said creed. His most well known article is called The Horse's Mouth - which we in the Chi-Ting office renamed The Ogre's Anus - because like most of Ram's ruminations, it is dark, smelly and somewhat flatulent. Jimmy is basically a bad tempered Pharisee who likes to dress up as a reactionary Hindu. His powers of myopic conceit are truly mind blowing: he actually believes he was born vasana lite!

In a recent interview, he managed to slag off every Neo Advaitin on the planet and is being considered for the Guinness Book of Records for his feat of relentless abuse (if you suffer from attention deficit disorder please skip this link as he does drone on). Actually we do have to admit there are times when we are almost fond of him, as he is such a completely unapologetic, grumpy old git. Then he goes and does something really odious and we can't resist the temptation to stone him.

This year Jimmy has really done it and formed the Triumvarite from Hell, joining forces with David (Waiting for Godot) Godman and Premananda (Spermananda) to write a book on the teachings of Ramana called Arunachala Shiva.

Now I remember talking to Jimmy in early 2005 and he described in exquisite detail how he loathed and detested Godot with all his heart. Then when the original Chi-Ting Guru Gossip website went up in late 2006, Jimmy wrote to us saying (and I quote): "Anything disgusting you wish to make up about John David [an earlier incarnation of Spermananda] is probably true and he is guilty of far worse than you can imagine!"

Now he has got in bed with these two love bunnies and one has to ask, what gives? We are familiar with the Machiavellian adage My Enemies' Enemy Is My Friend but this ménage à trois takes cynicism to new heights of depravity.

So Jimmy, what's cooking? I'm sure that your Serious Seekers After Truth (and they do have to pay hundreds of dollars for the privilege of hearing you pontificate) would love to hear a clear and concise answer to that one. And NO five hour declamation in the style of Cicero please. Remember: when Mark Anthony had the great orator murdered, he also had his hands cut off and nailed to the Senate door ...

It was said to be a permanent cure for the excessively verbose!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

What to do?

I rescued this from the Comments section in the previous post:

Anonymous said: Many so called masters talk about the Lion's Roar, but fact a lot of us are sheep. What to do?

What to do? What to f##ken do!!!! I'm gonna blow a fuse. It's simple innit? Be like the child in the Hans Christian Anderson story of The Emperor's New Clothes. Tell the crowd that the Emperor has no clothes, inform them that his testicles and tackle are hanging loose for all to see. Prove that the divine breath is not wasted on you. Be a human being, not a capon ready to be stuffed for Christmas. Sheep get ba-ba-barbecued. Do you want to be a lamb chop just for the sake of social conformity? As fat drunken Winston put it: "Fight them on the beaches, never surrender!" These Pig F#cks are prostituting everyone's birthright for their self-aggrandising hubris and vanity, a pox on them and all their works! Do you want to truly live or be poisoned by a saccharine substitute of The Real Thing. Say NO to this palsied fatalism. Stand up and roar, for they will say in times to come: "Giants once walked this Earth". Ye gods I'm preaching to the terminally fuckwitted, it's bloody hopeless!

P.S. I have no connection to Papaji and never went to Lucknow. I was born this way, mad, bad and dangerous to know. "Tis my nature said the scorpion to the frog."

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Radha Ma: Downfall

(Radha has been very depressed recently and has written me a plea for help in the Comments section. She is prone to being bipolar and a bit manic, she locks herself away for months in a dark room and eats compulsively, getting up to Sumo fighting weight in record time. So just to cheer her up we've written a film script for her, a kind of an Advaitic version of the Mel Brooks classic The Producers. So cheer up Radha, just sing-a-long to 'Springtime for Hitler in Germany!')

Live from Der Radha Bunker, starring Bruno Ganz as Radha Ma.
Berlin 1945, the howl of Russian howitzers scream through the air.

Tiruvannamalai 2010: the discordant cacophony of a village marriage rips through the air as the manic tones of Tamil techno causes blood to leak from the ears. Everyone stumbles around in disarray and sensory confusion.

With the collapse of her once mighty Real Estate Empire, the forces of the Radha Reich are reduced to a dishevelled rump of a couple of sadhus, her boyfriend Amar, her unhappy husband and some small children who have been conscripted from the local village to defend Das Mutterland. Desperately Radha tries to rally the troops against the inevitable onslaught of the Russian tourists.

"We will fight them to the last drop of your blood", she intones heroically. The small children have been lined up dressed in sadhu robes, white chalk smeared across their heads in true Shaivite warpaint style. They shuffle around picking there noses while Radha marches up and down the line trying to inspire them. She looks down at one small child, gives his cheek an affectionate squeeze and absentmindedly slaps him about the head. The child starts to howl and Radha clouts him. He shuts up instantly and looks at her in terror. "Discipline and courage are the true mark of a devotee, you will now give your lives for the Radha Reich!" she shouts. The children are given sticks and pushed out into the street to fend off the onslaught of the Russian barbarian horde.

Radha turns to her last 2 remaining generals and says: "You have all failed me, you do not deserve me, where is General Kalidas and the Ninth Army of Devotees?" Her husband looking a bit sheepish, turns to her and says "Urr he's defecting to the Russians at this very moment in time". They turn and see a weird hippy who looks a bit like a refugee from Robin Hood Men in Tights, scuttle across no man's land towards the Sparsa Hotel. "I am betrayed by all!" she wails. There is a stunned silence. The advancing Russian tourists start clicking their cameras furiously, flashbulbs burn the retinas in a blinding haze. "I am not a guru, go to the Ramana Ashram!" she screams desperately and then in a final act of tenderness, turns to her boyfriend Amar (for it is he, Amar Alhassan, the famed transcriber of Radha's holy words): "You will betray Das Mutterland and your Radha?"

"Never meine Radha, I will endure an eternity in maya to be at your side," he replies. They clutch hands passionately in a last show of love and defiance, before the Russians descend. "Right, I'm out of here, the bed isn't big enuff for the 3 of us!" says her husband as he storms off down the road in search of his chum General Kalidas.

The heroic duo stand alone in one last beatific moment before the tragedy of their final stand reaches consummation. Loudspeakers play Tomorrow Belongs To Us from the movie Cabaret and dancing nuns pirouette and somersault across the stage as leather-clad fetish-dwarfs juggle firesticks and giggle manically. One last glance of love, then they are run over and consumed by the enlightenment hungry horde of Russians.

Only a stain remains in the dirt, the moment of mahasamadhi has arrived!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Samsara is nirvana ...

It is truly astounding! As I perused each page I felt as if I was holding a rare parchment of the Brothers Grimm Fairytales. It was like being transported to a bizarre realm never seen or spoken of, for fear of breaking its magic spell. Where is this fabled "Spiritual Centre of South India", it looks so inviting? Yoga spa treatments, gourmet food, kind and warm hearted local guides who would never fleece you and who only care about helping you on your karmic journey!

Then it dawned on me as the scales dropped from my eyes and the enchanted glamour evaporated, that this is the Tiru I love and loathe. Those mugshots of our kindly guides are a rogues' gallery of every local villain and scamster. With their dead-eyed venal stare, these boys are looking for blood and geld and YOU are on the menu!

Then I came to the Spiritual Masters page. Duh: Mooji, Madhukar, Gaia (he's so famous they spelt it Gaja: obviously a homage to Lady Gaga!), that bloodless Werepig Torsten, James Swartz (looking like a dessicated cadaver!), Spermananda, Satsang Barbie and then some non-entities who I have never heard of. It looks like a bulletin board for a United Nations War Crimes Tribunal! Page after page, it gets more surreal. I must be tripping. "Curiouser and curiouser," said Alice to the Cheshire cat - let's take another toke on the DMT. Weird Singing Heart Ashram woman (Jacqueline Marie Longstaff) has a full page to advertise her paranoid and confused satsang (will David Icke make a guest appearance?) To top it all she even has a special retreat called Dying for Truth. I take it that this is when the cyanide and orange juice are passed around and everyone signs over their worldly possessions before the journey to the Great Hereafter!

I could endlessly list the delights of this strange publication but suffice to say the best joke is on the inside cover. It's an ad for an imaginary Visitors' Centre: there is no given address and no-one I have spoken to knows where it is. Maybe it will just teleport into place in front of the Ramana Ashram, just as coach loads of wide-eyed tourists stumble into town eager for the wonder of this magical spiritual Mecca.

Next time you sidestep a dead and decomposing sadhu arraigned tastefully among the rotting garbage, pinch yourself and think of this little fantasy magazine that promises the earth but will sell you the same old losers and spivs.

Only Arunachala could cook up the flailing entrails of the Kali Yuga into such a delicious egoic theme park. It is truly a mirror of perfection here. Just remember: SAMSARA IS NIRVANA ...

Friday, October 22, 2010

And the winner is ....

Chi-Ting Apocalypse is proud to present the winner of our prestigious Summer Quiz.

The answer was all of them simultaneously! Each of them are being shagged and are shagging as they are all dream figures of the Self. Therefore the Self is fucking itself. GEDDIT?!

And the winner is ....Yes you've guessed it, Gabriel, known as The Archangel in hooker circles throughout the world, as he is famed for his very specific sexual demands! Gabriel has been harassing and mind fucking every satsang teacher on the planet for at least 14 years. He first came to our attention in 98 at a John de Ruiter meeting where his chirpy North London tones could be heard harassing JdeR with a constant barrage of "Yeah, yeah but John," ad infinitum. Tony Parsons recently threatened to throw him out of a meeting as he couldn't take it any more. Gabriel was a long term resident of Tiru until 2006 where he even had a servant called Man Friday. His Goddess fetish was fed by an on-off lurv affair with Radha Ma which came to a violent climax, when he tried to snog her in a satsang at the Ganapa Temple. She then proceeded to beat him up! Next he decamped to Bombay to bombard Ramesh Balsekar with his endless litany of clever but very tortured questions. Only a man of Ramesh's advanced years had the patience to deal with his monstrous mind. Gabriel is reminiscent of the Benny Hill character in the original movie The Italian Job. He likes BIG girls and we mean BIG! So if there are any Tubby Tessies in town, this is your big chance! Head on down to the Arunai Anantha Hotel for a personal audition!

So congratulations Gabriel, Radha Ma is already polishing the strap-on and digging out the leather bodice in anticipation of your return. This will be a reunion made in heaven!

As you can tell, Gabriel is much more fun than the moronic satsang teachers that plague our shores and we think he should set up shop and then we could have a REAL PARTY!

Shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather
Whiplash girlchild in the dark
Comes in bells, your servant, don't forsake him
Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart ...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Blubber Brother cometh ...

Yes, the Whale of LURV is coming back ... 

American immigration decided not to issue Anthony Moo-Young alias Mooji with a visa. So instead of boring his stateside fans with more of his ME, ME, ME stories, sweaty bonhommie and his Papaji tribute band impersonation, he has decided to inflict his presence on Tiru. That means hundreds of stoned idiots on the rampage mumbling stuff about Nothing To Do, Man while manicly spliffing up! Plus a massive increase in rents and a large mark up on eatables at the Rip Off Supermarket. OH WOE UNTO US!

We are a dysfunctional bunch of misfits here, a kind of cross between the boat trip in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Name of the Rose and Monty Python's Life of Brian. Truly we are the Enclave of the Desperate, it's just that we are not that desperate! This seasonal influx is like having a social toilet emptied all over the place and it ain't too clean to start with!

So please Tony, BUGGER OF TO GOA. It's the place where you can indulge your vices to your heart's content and lastly, don't forget to take your creatures with you!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

My bordello by the sea

An exclusive interview with Über Fuhrer Karl Renz
(Kevinanda and Karl go toe-to-toe and slug it out for 15 rounds!)

KEVJI: Karl, many people think you are a self-satisfied twat. How do you respond to these accusations?
KARL: You are an unenlightened asschlock, not fit to lick my jackboots.

KEVJI: Karl, you seem to be surrounded by young women called Noi, Nong, Lec and Nok. Is it true that they say you are a big boy when you give them lots of monies?
KARL: I am a big boy in the world of Neo Advaita!

KEVJI: The burning question in the sewers of Tiruvannamalai is why have you forsaken your sycophants in favour of the fleshpots of south Thailand?
KARL: I am bored with these lame fuckwits and I have also been gazumped by that sleazy fat rastafarian!

KEVJI: Do you shop at Tesco in Koh Samui and is it an improvement on the Rip Off Supermarket?
KARL: I prefer Carrefour, it's the place where the real Eurotrash hang out!

KEVJI: Is it true you and Radha have run off together? Because she hasn't been seen recently, after the loss of most of her devotees caught up in her latest real estate scam.
KARL: I am only interested in what is prior!

KEVJI: What, foreplay? Or is it her voluptuous and perfectly formed breasts?
KARL: Ja, to all of the above.

KEV: Do you have any advice about the tragic demise of that much esteemed guru Nithyananda?
KARL: Less of the crocodile and more of the bullshit.

KEVJI: Did you know that Satsang Barbie has volunteered to fill your Xmas and New Year spot? Do you think she has the necessary integrity?
KARL: (We pause while Karl vomits into the nearest container!)

KEVJI: Is it true that Germany failed to reach the World Cup final because of an excessive number of homosexuals in the team?
KARL: Only those who are beyond gender reach the final goal!

KEVJI: Were you shocked to hear that your old stomping ground, Usha's restaurant is about to be turned into a supermarket?
KARL: At least I won't be poisoned by that extortionate buffet.

KEVJI: Have you replaced your Blofeld Bond villain sneer, now that you are loved up in Samui?
KARL: I still stroke my big white cat vigorously.

And on this happy note we leave Karl slurping on his tequila sunrise, shimmering in his newly acquired and very garish Hawaiian shirt ...

Another day in paradise ... Or is it a prelude to his triumphant return?

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Elvis the alien ...

Hey ho let's go!

Is that a new guru just arriving in town? Looks like he's heading straight for those Auro-vile munchie bars just near the check out at the Ramana Rip off Supermarket. What is he doing here at this time of year, the real weirdos only come at Christmas with lump-of-lard Mooji and his Goan refugees. Maybe he escaped from a 1950s' sci-fi movie and just got lost, or is a more sinister plot afoot? (World domination, genocide, lots of shopping and all the usual bullshit!) Our intrepid investigative reporter approached Dead Elvis to try and cull a quote from this man of mystery. But all he could do was mumble: "Viva Las Vegas!" Is it a mantra? Will busloads of whackjobs with poodles on their heads invade Tiru?

We await events with baited breath but our suspicion is that the End Time has begun and it's gonna get really weird!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Chi-Ting summer special!

Tired, depressed and lonely?

Verily your head is caught in a cleft stick! No-one wants to buy your Life Bliss Technology and all your devotees have done a runner. It can't get any worse or can it? Then some big bugger of a bull comes along and shafts you without lubrication!


Question 1.Is the victim ...
A) Nithyananda - caught on film playing kiss and cuddle with an errr ... 'actress'.
B) Nithyananda - pretending he's not really a boy but a girl in disguise so he couldn't have done it anyway!
C) Nithyananda - getting down for a bit of Jailhouse Rock.

Question 2. Is the perpetrator ...
A) Mr MOO-ji (geddit?) - sharing out some big time lurv-ing for a soul in distress.
B) Herr Madhukar - "Ja und anything mit ein hole that valks"
C) Professional Idiot Premananda (alias Spermananda) - who used to boast that the only reason he was in the guru game was to shag young women for free. "How else can a hairy old git get laid?" he remarked smugly as if reciting his daily mantra! This moron has even got a TV station to broadcast his prattle.

Answers on a postcard to:

PO Box 666
Post Office Road
Ramana Nagar
Tiruvannamalai 606603
Tamil Nadu

The winner will receive a voucher for a punishment session at the Advaita Monastery where top dominatrix and Chi-Ting devotee Radha Ma will be getting very strict! Dog food, chains, whips, the dental chair and the Mr Priapus strap-on, plus all the usual goodies including the cheese grater ...