Chi-Ting Apocalypse

The strange demise of Advaita ...

2012-01-03T11:30:00.000Z

Devotee: Is Maharshi’s teaching the same as Shankara’s?

Ramana: Maharshi’s teaching is only an expression of his own experience and realisation. Others find that it tallies with Sri Shankara’s.

Devotee: Quite so. Can it be put in other ways to express the same realisation?

Ramana: A realised person will use his own language.

[No.189 of Ramana Maharshi's Talks]

Ramana Maharshi's realisation was based on experience and was nothing to do with the traditional revelations of Advaita Vedanta. Advaita (consolidated by Shankara) is a calcified, redundant expression of life in liberation. Ramana's legacy is an enigmatic Cheshire cat's smile that stirs our imagination like a whisper in the wind. Ramana inspires but what he speaks of eludes us because religious traditions try to formularise and capture that which can never be expressed. Primordial freedom has no crossed legs or straight posture. There is no truth to enunciate and no lineage to claim (that's Mooji, Gangaji, Madhukar, Spermananda and other itinerant carpetbaggers down the drain!)

All religious teachings are the progeny of power, manipulation and corruption.

Likewise Shankara's philosophy, which is simply a product of its time. Shankara was a Upanishadic philosopher who aimed to provide the correct meaning of the ancient Indian texts at a point when both the Buddhist and the Hindu communities in India were showing signs of disintegration, corruption and decay. Shankara lived in the 8th and early 9th century, born of Brahmin parents in the village of Kaladi on the Malabar coast (today's Kerala, South India). He mostly frequented Varanasi however, the stronghold of Brahminical Hinduism and was taught within the lineage of Gaudapada, a Upanishadic teacher strongly influenced by Buddhism.

This period of Indian history saw immense religious conflict and social change. Hinduism was disunited and had split into many groups and sects, each with their own views. Buddhist philosophy appeared pessimistic to the general populace. According to Shankara, literalists and ritualists alike had missed the spirit of the Upanishads while even worse, nihilists and iconoclasts were contradicting the sacred scriptures. He accused Buddhism of teaching non-existence and even portrayed the Buddha as an incarnation sent to lead the wicked astray and hasten the end of the Kali Yuga.

Meanwhile in Varanasi, Buddhism was gaining popularity with the local elite: new ideologies of renunciation were emerging in Northern India which opposed ritualism and superceded Brahminism with its accent on caste inequalities and the privileged position of priests. Fierce competition broke out among the Indian philosophical schools for royal benefaction and economic security. To secure his survival as a spiritual teacher, Shankara assimilated Hindu and Buddhist ideas into a new form of Vedantic Absolutism which continued to endorse the authority of the Upanishads and his lineage teacher, Gaudapada.

The Upanishads speak of an ultimate Brahman which is infinite. This was also the teaching of Gaudapada. However Gaudapada (who lived in the 8th century too) was also strongly influenced by Yogacara Buddhism and Madhyamaka Buddhism. Since the Upanishadic Brahman was ultimately real, he readily accepted the Yogacara teaching that by contrast the world was unreal and illusory (maya) being a projection of the mind. However whereas Madhyamaka Buddhism taught the doctrine of non-origination (ajativada), which said there was no ultimate reality (like Brahman) to ever come into existence, Gaudapada decided to keep the Upanishadic Brahman and say instead that it was 'unoriginated'. He did this to avoid contradicting the authority of the sacred texts.

As a result Shankara argued for Gaudapada's "unoriginated Brahman" stating that Brahman was unchangeable, infinite and imperishable. This continued to uphold the authority of the Upanishads since Brahman remained the supreme reality but it also pandered to new fashionable Buddhist ideas since the Upanishadic Brahman was recast as nirguna or "without attribute": that is, formless and indescribable. But Shankara's Brahman was also non-dual. This reinvented the traditional Hindu concepts of jiva, Atman and Brahman and reconfigured their relationship, which once again put the Upanishads head and shoulders above the rest. Shankara had sidestepped the literalists by sweeping away the theism of early Vedantins (culminating in Ramanuja and Madhva). He had countered the Hindu ritualists because he had embraced the Buddhist idea of non-violence (ahimsa) and its rejection of animal sacrifice. Shankara also continued to distance Hinduism from Buddhism by vehemently criticising the Buddhist doctrine of emptiness (sunyata). This reiterated the popular perception that Buddhsm was pessimistic and conveniently disguised the fact that he and Gaudapada had borrowed ideas from the Yogacara and Madhyamaka schools.

Shankara's philosophy - just as all spiritual philosophy - was political. This is now having serious implications for today's Advaita:

Advaita is outmoded and does not recognise modern theoretical physics. Because Gaudapada and Shankara accepted Yogacarin ideas that the world is illusory (being a creation of the mind), Advaita argues that ultimate reality is experienceable, non-illusory, and eternal. This rules out by definition the existence of theoretical entities such as electrons, protons and neutrinos since they cannot be directly experienced or perceived.

It is stuck in absolutism. In subverting the Madhyamakan theory of non-origination which states there is "no birth", Gaudapada and Shankara taught instead "there is an unborn" in the form of an unoriginated Brahman. Madhyamakans suggest that an ultimate reality is impossible because existence is co-dependently originated (pratityasamutpada). If all things arise interdependently, they can have no independent essence of their own, in which case they cannot be said to have ever arisen. Advaita however argues for an ultimate reality and says instead that it is this which is unoriginated. This is where Shankara's teaching short-circuits. Shankara stated that all levels of reality culminate in Brahman as the substratum of anything we experience. For him the world is an illusory appearance in Brahman. All things are therefore unreal and subject to change but due to ignorance (avidya) we mistake them for being real - an ignorance which must be destroyed. Here the Advaitic Brahman is something "that is already there" despite us being unaware of its existence. Shankara turns his Nirguna Brahman into an absolutely existent object skulking in the shadows. The problem with objectifying anything is that it is then found not to truly exist - because like all phenomena - it is subject to change. This is a circle which cannot be squared ...

These absolutist ideas manifest in the ridiculous schism between Traditional and Neo Advaita, which is the legacy of the weaknesses of Gaudapada and Shankara's political philosophy. In recent times, Dennis Waite and James Swartz have initiated an acrimonious attack on those who dismiss methods and focus on the non-existence of the "I". Waite and his cabal call themselves "Traditional Advaitins"; they insist that a method is necessary for realisation; and they accuse their critics of the heresy of nihilism, labelling them "Neo Advaitins". This is the same argument that Shankara had with the Buddhists. Shankara rightly accused Buddhism of nihilism: the Sarvastivada and Yogacara schools taught the complete non-existence (as well as the total existence) of phenomena. But here Shankara was guilty of exactly the same absolutism. While the Sarvastivadins and the Yogacarins argued for the complete non-existence of something, Advaita was arguing for the complete existence of something (that is, Nirguna Brahman). This is nihilism and eternalism respectively. Advaita and Buddhism were playing off the same chess board, just positioned at opposite ends ...

In exactly the same way there are now modern Advaita teachers who say either "no method" or "no I" (e.g. Papaji, Karl Renz) - and also - "there is only the Self" or "there is only Consciousness" (e.g. Lakshmana Swamy, Nisargadatta). These statements are absolutist too since they insist that the Self and Consciousness completely exist (eternalism) or something like a method or the "I" completely don't exist (nihilism). Dennis Waite and his cronies are culpable of exactly the same crime they are accusing their critics of. Traditional Advaita's criticism of Neo Advaita is the song and dance of separation still playing to the same ill-starred tune: a Greek chorus of personae acting out the sequel to the Gaudapadian drama! The conceit of Traditional Advaita has become a mirror image of their consumerist cousins the Neo Advaitins. They are locked together in an eternal struggle which neither can win. This is like a still from the opening of the Russian movie Nightwatch where the forces of polarity - light/dark, order/chaos and eternalism/nihilism (call them what you will!) - are locked into a Mexican standoff of epic proportions. Traditional and Neo Advaita are both purveyors of a dogma/anti-dogma which is stale and strangely irrelevant - and their only contribution has been to add a new historical layer of mental confusion over a complete absence of any spiritual realisation whatsoever. They are engrossed in a petty, factional fight and their day is done.

Traditional and Gaudapadian Advaita have failed to address the arguments of Madhyamaka Buddhism. This too is the legacy of Gaudapada's political formulation of Advaita. We know that Gaudapada borrowed from the Madhymakans and reinterpreted their thesis of non-origination without crediting them. Unlike the Sarvastivadin and Yogacarin positions, the Madhyamaka teaching of non-origination was not nihilist. Its main teachers Nagarjuna and Candrakirti - now classified as Prasangika Madhyamaka - rejected outright both nihilism and eternalism. They advocated instead a new interpretation of the Buddha's Middle Way which says (as modern theoretical physics confirms) that absolutes are impossible. There cannot truly be any enlightenment, Self or Brahman to attain - nor can there truly be any jiva, "I" or method to attain it. This position does not say "no I" or "no method". It says all things including the person exist as empty, co-dependent arisings which are neither totally existent nor totally non-existent. Methods may happen, methods may not - what happens simply happens - and whether someone practises a method or not is completely irrelevant ...

Traditional Advaita does not even faithfully represent Shankara's teaching. Waite and Swartz are likely unaware of the precise historical currents they are shaped by. But even if they are aware of them, they don't understand them. For example their dogmatic insistence on "rigorous practice" flies in the face of the fact that Shankara, rather ironically, didn't really advocate a method for realisation! Because Gaudapada and Shankara theorised the world as unreal, the jiva in its ignorance was in need of unification with Brahman. This meant the jiva and Brahman were two separate entities and something was needed to connect them. Shankara therefore suggested the new idea that Brahman resided as Atman within the jiva, stating that Brahman could not be attained. Rather, the jiva could only hope that their ignorance would be destroyed by the jnana of an enlightened guru. Giving up desire for worldly pleasure and reflecting on the meaning of Atman as identical to Brahman would help but it could not bring about liberation itself ...

Traditional Advaita is a 21st century White-supremacist, post-colonial cult. Waite and Swartz are arch-conservatives, patriarchs of the Church of Advaita who have come to set us all right. In actuality they are the Biblical Pharisees who have contrived a debate with self-created opponents in order to assert the "correct" reading of Advaita. This is no different from the civilising project of the British Empire whose Christian missionaries led the moral rectification of India.

Advaita has become a Trojan Horse of monstrous proportions hiding ill intent and murderous deceit within its liturgies and traditions. Its ancient and modern forms are the product of a self-promoting fixation on comprehending and formularising liberation so it can be controlled, taught and sold. The Gaudapadian lineage and its modern bastard "Traditional Advaita" are shallow, politico-religious, economic philosophies devoid of integrity, which are intellectually designed for EGOIC survival.

Jamaican Jesus

2011-12-27T10:54:00.000Z

Gauri said ... [about Mooji]

The real problem with Mooji is his insistence on self inquiry as the one true way. He has borrowed this - apparently from Ramana and Papaji - because he has nothing to offer himself and needs to establish a lineage to furnish his claims of Messiahship. Little does he know Ramana only advised on self inquiry to those who asked about it. Ramana simply upheld the ancient Indian context when a method was requested of him. Silence not self inquiry was the hallmark of Ramana's teaching. Ramana never needed a method ... Teaching self inquiry does not endorse spiritual authenticity. Mooji's emphasis on self inquiry is a cheap sales trick from a cheap con artist who is well known to have never been acknowledged by Papaji.

Mooji has publicly announced on his posters from late 2006 to be the standardbearer of Ramana's lineage. However, as Gauri says, his only tool is self inquiry. Mooji is a secondhand car salesman offering the liturgies of spiritual greats who have walked before him ... which he has the audacity to claim for his own personal ambition.

His background is in mystical Christianity and Seventh Day Adventism, an Endtime religion which emphasises the imminent second coming of Jesus (a role Mooji believes he fits perfectly!) Apparently at last year's retreat he personally enlightened six people and in private he boasts about his Siddhis. Where do these "powers" to enlighten people come from? Isn't this an obvious corruption, distortion and conceit taken to ludicrous extremes!? Mooji also cannot bear to be in the company of those who have excessive ego - especially women who have to be moulded to his energetic (and sexual) needs. There are even rumours that he has slapped around some of his former girlfriends. How this squares with the "Lamb of God" we do not know ...

Mooji is enacting a self-serving religious drama. He is a self-obsessed bore who spends most of his time talking about himself in excessive and tedious detail. This is a dangerous form of self-indulgence which pampers his sense of personal vanity. Mooji surrounds himself with sycophants and feeds on the adulation of the gullible, the weak and the needy. His politically correct spiritual performance caters perfectly for his young naive audience lost in Zen aphorisms and New Age wish fulfillment.

Mooji's satsang is a Papaji-lite tribute band completely devoid of inspiration, originality and true feeling. He has polluted and prostituted both Advaita and Arunachala for his own egoic ends.

Fatty throws in the towel!

2011-12-10T07:54:00.000Z

Apparently there are "Dark Forces" at work in Tiruvannamalai (that's us folks!) ...

There has been an outburst of spontaneous elation in the People's Republic of T.V.Malai following the news that Lurv in Supremo Tony Tubby Moo (alias Mooji) is no longer coming to Tiru this year. In his rambling address to the insipid music of Love Story on Mogadon, the great pseudo-saint clearly looks ill and short of a few marbles. Like Jim Jones just before he passed the orange juice and cyanide around, Mooji makes obscure claims about threats from sources unknown (has he pissed off some Tamil politico?) For 6 years now Mooji and his gang of Goan refugees have turned Tiru into a Stoners' Toilet, so we say good riddance!

The age of the Guru is over ...

2011-12-04T16:48:00.000Z

Chi-Ting devotees celebrate the fall of Gurudom ...

We have replaced the worship of an ultimate state (God), with the worship of enlightened beings (Gurus). But there is neither an ultimate state or an ultimate being, this is just a Chimera of the imagination. Apparent reality is in a state of permanent flux and there is no ultimate truth, just a shimmer and a fantasy which slips away in the night, like teardrops in the rain. Enlightened beings are actors in a movie, very real in their performance but in the end just a part of the story. As the Bard sagely observed in Macbeth: "life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing!" This fiction is real but simultaneously unreal: that is the crux of the paradox.

We have assigned power and prestige to entities who exist yet are empty; totally devoid of substance. Gurus are no different from a blade of grass to be stepped on and then forgotten.

The time has come to step beyond the age of enlightened beings. They are like politicians: they will always fail you! These select individuals have never held the keys to paradise, it is just an exercise in religious fetishism that is as absurd as it is vacuous. As the old paradigms of control and hierarchy are crashing down around the globe in a Bonfire of the Oligarchs, it is no longer necessary to sacrifice ourselves on the altar of former subservience. Our reality never was an ordered Newtonian assemblage of molecules with God's Anointed at the top of the pyramid. Schrödinger's cat has now truly escaped from the bag along with the neutrino and the old stories have finally lost their power. We are the children of great mystery. Things are NOT what they seem!

Trouble at the Nunnery

2011-11-17T09:37:00.000Z

We were sad to hear about the recent death of Madhuva, a devotee of Sri Lakshmana Swamy and his adopted daughter Mathru Sri Sarada. Then the bizarre news filtered through that Saradamma had ordered the immediate demolition of Madhuva's house so that his ghost had nowhere to rest. (Obviously no squatting rights for dead devotees past their sell-by-date!)

Swamy and Saradamma are very reclusive. They hide away in a spiritual fortress in the midst of a large garden behind huge metal gates. They are rarely seen: especially now that they have ceased their slow-motion Drive-by Darshan (It was like something from a silent movie, their car trolling around Arunachala at 5 miles/hr!). Swamy attained the Self in front of Ramana in 1949 and is probably the last living vestige of Ramana's era. Then Saradamma became enlightened in 1978, recreating a father-husband fixation on Swamy, modelled on the relationship between Ramakrishna and Sarada Devi. But perhaps the Divine Duo are most famous for their mad devotee at The Gate and believing that one of their dogs is the reincarnation of Ramana's grandmother.

The whole thing is a complete mystery, the rules to which no-one is ever quite sure. Swamy and Saradamma actively discourage seekers who have to prostrate in the dirt in the driveway for endless months (and sometimes years!) in the hope of being accepted. Even the great David Godman who penned the turgid No Mind, I am the Self is no longer considered a devotee and has been ejected from their orbit. Like a game of snakes and ladders: you're in and then you're out!

Their most extreme teaching concerns SEX which has been a source of angst and division between their devotees for many years. Saradamma usually mandates celibacy and advises couples to renounce sex and even to separate if they truly want liberation. Effectively there's a caste system. Those who get to work in the garden or serve the ashram are considered to be higher than the others who grovel in the driveway. It is also believed that devotees who are married are not equal to those inside The Gate because these have gained access to the garden by virtue of their sex-less purity. It's a veritable Nunnery full of repressed passion where physical love is denied and only Love for the Guru is permitted.

Saradamma has been meddling in people's personal lives - breaking up relationships in the name of a higher spiritual good - for over 30 years. An ex-devotee from the 1980s told us he was still bitter about losing his girlfriend after Saradamma told her to renounce sex. This has only intensified. A long-term devotee, married with children, who lived in the same street as the ashram was recently told if he wanted to be near the Guru he had to be Brahmachari. i.e. if he couldn't give up his marriage and family life, it was best for him to move away. (With Saradamma it's my way or the highway!) At around the same time, she split up another family by sending a wife and child back to their homeland, while the husband dutifully remained behind in the garden. Marital separation was enforced and even if the couple are reunited here in India, the pressure for a sexless marriage will likely lead to divorce.

What is the basis of this monastic requirement? This is more to do with deeply conservative Hinduism than anything about enlightenment. Brahmacharya in its true sense means complete non-attachment to all things. It indicates being able to experience everything (including sex) without holding on to it. Traditional Hinduism however has rejected sexuality outright and imposed a moral hierarchy where celibacy is superior to being sexually active. This is a materialistic interpretation of Brahmacharya which objectifies reality then renounces one aspect of it. Meanwhile Saradamma's injunction that "the ideal man-woman relationship is one in which the couple live as brother and sister" comes from the example of Sarada Devi, the Martyr-Saint of Hindu womanhood. Sarada Devi was originally betrothed to Ramakrishna at age 5 before joining him in a sexless spiritual marriage aged 18. Ramakrishna regarded her as the Divine Mother and her motherly care for her devotees was legendary. Saradamma is projecting this one-off, 19th century, Indian union on all of her devotees, regardless of their culture. Further Sarada Devi (in contrast with Saradamma) is known for often recommending that her devotees took on married life in all its aspects.

And there is a fatal flaw. Saradamma insists there is no mind. She says: "everything is done by the Self". If this is the case, there is absolutely no one or any thing there when something happens. Any human act is spontaneous and entirely without volition, even the act of choosing itself. Saradamma therefore knows that the lowly devotee could never have done anything else (even though their experience is different to the Jnani's). The bottom line is there is no one to have free will or choice. Everything including the human being is an empty apparition, ultimately devoid of substance. So sex may arise (forgive the pun) but there is no-one doing it - a kind of ego-lite phantom intercourse!

As a result some of Saradamma's devotees have begun to question her. Is any type of prescription really necessary if whatever happens, could not be otherwise? Do they really need a formula for enlightenment if everything is the Self and there is no one capable of following it (or not)? Do they really need threats if they do not comply with Saradamma's wishes? On her website for example she promises: "If anyone claims to be a Jnani, he is the worst sinner and will lose all peace life after life" (We also have a track record of not liking these clowns either!). All of this is simply divine play - the maya of the Self. Saradamma also says: "It is good for the devotee to fear the Guru". Fear, coercion, vengeance, and punishment: is this the modus operandi of a truly enlightened being?

Such a teaching divides people into the good and the bad on the basis of an ego with the power to choose when that choosing is under the jurisdiction, only, of the Self. This is pure dualism and it creates the problem it solves, producing the unworthiness that is subsequently prayed upon. Like the concept of original sin, the seeker is made out to be wrong, impure and not worthy and then needs the Guru's formula to save them. This is nothing short of the doctrine of moral purity forced on us by the corrupt regimes of world religions. It is also no different from the mind-bending dictates of Christianity which places absolute authority in God's human representative on earth and imputes an ultimate state in the name of God.

And yet there is another sting in the tale ... The Guru with their improbable demands is also the maya of the Self. These devotees who scramble so desperately to be in the garden have failed to realise that the figure advocating such stringencies in the bedroom is empty too. So Saradamma, enlightenment and her teachings are simply shadows on the wall while the whole vista of reality beckons beyond ...

Instead Saradamma's devotees are clouded by the delusion that what they see before them is truly God in human form. This is exactly the same materialistic interpretation of reality which underpins the prescription of celibacy that has come to haunt them! They have also succumbed to the belief that the "I" is a totally real material object which can die in the Heart and can be removed via physical proximity to the Guru or by the practices of self-enquiry, surrender and devotion. Saradamma's devotees are desperate to build their homes on the ashram wall to secure their place in paradise and to hug The Gate day and night in the hope of their own personal enlightenment! They are consumed by spiritual ambition, self-advancement and greed - and when they die, their hungry ghosts will be chased away as so much waste and flotsam ...

Is it any surprise then, that there are reports of Saradamma shouting at Arunachala in despair at being sent such poor devotees? But from our perspective it seems more a case of the Guru and her devotees mirroring each other in a game of dualist denial spiced with a touch of hocus pocus that fuels their mutual elitism.

Mistaking the Guru for a material object and failing to realise that they - like the world - are not wholly real leads to a type of pain and suffering which can never be alleviated. This is not the pathway to enlightenment; it is the Gateway to Hell.

Junkiedom

2011-11-09T19:22:00.000Z

Pure life, raw, pulsing and vibrant, unmediated by identity or separation. It's a truly scary thought!

So we seek refuge in the cosmic heroin we call spirituality. In return we embark on an endless journey of Becoming that gives us hope, aspiration and piety. This odyssey of Doing to Be causes endless pain, agitation and angst but is preferable to the gut-wrenching existential freefall into the abyss. This spiritual game we play is the ultimate mythology of ego. It is more rooted in separation than even the most self-obsessed acts that we all decry and disdain, because it puts the "I" on a pedestal which society universally approves and emulates.

We can rebel against the world because of pain, following paths that society rejects such as crime, drugs, alcohol and sex. And when all of these avenues are found to be empty and devoid of substance, we bite the spiritual bullet in the belief that we are one of the lucky ones who have truly arrived and transcended the squalid realm of desire. But heroin addiction is pure Kindergarten besides this hellish world of eternal seeking. It is all the "I" - another extension of materialism in a more subtle and morally seductive world - except that now it is even more fixated than before.

This realm of spiritual experiences is the realm of the ego incarnate. Spiritual awakenings and the bliss of yogic states only come about when the "I" is under such pressure that it transcends reality and projects another world of pure goodness out of its own separation. The spiritual seeker wants the spiritual orgasm 24 hours a day, maxed out on the credit card, debauched in the bordello with an unending source of narcotic comfort straight out of the genie's bottle. Even the quest for secret and arcane knowledge can never top this one, it is the ultimate quest of self-obsessed fixation all in the name of God.

Spiritual seekers reproduce the same moral judgement so pervasive of society within this transcendent domain, replicating it from a higher spiritual throne. They turn their back on the "bad" places they have been and the "bad" people who do not agree with them and threaten their sense of personal autonomy. They even spurn society saying they are better because they are no longer materialistic. But they are just more sanctimonious and more holy - usually a form of buttock clenching Christianity with New Age knobs on - and fail to realise the web of self-deceit has drawn them in even further. They have reacted violently to the world and are lost in an even more polarized fantasy world of good and evil.

There never was anything wrong with the world, the pain was simply too great. The seeker has become a Frankenstein monster of their own making and has retreated to a state of catatonic oblivion, because the reflected image is too grotesque to bear. "Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the saddest of them all" ...

Spirituality is just Junkiedom with a righteous attitude en Route 66 straight to hell. We are not talking about Percy Shelley and his chum Lord Byron having a laudanum jolly on the Swiss lakes, or even William Burroughs blowing his wife's brains out in a stoners' game of William Tell. We are talking about the social decimation of a whole generation on crack and the messianic meltdown that creates Hitler complexes ... a moral and existential car crash that would even make J.G. Ballard blanche ...

Club Cthulhu ...

2011-09-01T17:25:00.007+01:00

Chi-Ting Apocalypse brings you an incendiary expose on a vipers' nest of conspiracy in the very heart of our beloved Tiruvannamalai. Many outwardly pious and respectable members of our community have been gathering each month on the night of the black moon at the Bose compound on the Chengam road to secretly attend the H.P. Lovecraft society, otherwise known as Club Cthulhu. Their demonic mantra is "ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" and the echoes of black Tantra and blood-curdling screams are heard long into the night.

Our informant is a man in his mid-sixties, famed and revered as a mystic poet of the Renz school of mouthing-off. His face is pale and sallow. His jowls quiver like a Christmas turkey and his hands have an uncontrollable tremor.

"You have no idea of the diabolical deeds they are capable of. They are soul-sucking vampires in league with dimensions beyond mortal knowledge."

Who are they?

"Everyone is involved, it's truly shocking. Everyone! Mahalaxmi (Byron Bay psycho-sister) is their high priestess, Steve Ibn Al Haq her consort, Chandi Devi (Papaji policewoman) and Shivani carry out the sacrifices. How do you think Crazy Bruno lost his mind?"

They sacrifice people?

"All the time. That's how all the local dogs get fed. There are body-parts flying everywhere. Divakaran at the Rip Off Supermarket is doing a roaring trade in Sweeney Todd pies. The rickshaw drivers love them!"

Who else is involved?

"Nearly everyone. All the big names: Mooji, Nithyananda, Premananda (Spermananda). All the local businessmen. The corruption goes from top to bottom."

Mooji?

"His name in the brotherhood is Beelzebub Baba. He is the Lord of the Flies."

What is Spermananda's role?

"He has been taken over by a fecal shit-eating demon. He carries out monstrous perversions on the corpses of the freshly sacrificed. He is big into necrophilia."

And Nithy, dare I ask?

"His depravities are so gross that words fail me!"

There are rumours of a 9th dimensional demon, lurking in the pit beneath Manna Cafe. Can you confirm this?

"They have been summoning her. She is the one foretold. Many will die to bring her back through the portal. All of our world will be laid to waste."

You don't mean the return of Sunanda Whitehouse?!!

"They are collecting host bodies so that the Moral Majesty that is Sunanda may return to our dimension and wreak vengeance on the unbelievers."

Where will you go now?

"I will leave this place but the horror will never leave my heart!"

At this moment, the unfortunate poet releases an incontinent stream of yellow fluid, that forms into a steaming puddle on the floor by his feet. He starts to speak in tongues as his bulky body lapses into contorted spasm. The smell of palpable putrefaction in his faux Auroville-style slum becomes nauseous - even to the hardened stomachs of the Chi-Ting interview team - who promptly leave the scene.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED ...

Another one bites the dust ...

2011-08-19T16:37:00.025+01:00

Another day, another mysterious death in Guruland. The Chi-Ting office was rudely awakened from its summer slumber by a hysterical Sister Klaus, incoherently wailing about the loss of her most beloved and best friend (probably the only one!) So after sedating the good Sister with a fistful of downers we decided to investigate and this is what we found:

Sudha, a mother of two, was a much sought-after Godwoman along the Girivalam path in Tiruvannamalai a year ago until her death recently. She had proclaimed herself as ‘Karuppasamy’ and hit the headlines with her shocking style of spiritualism.

Sudha, aged about 30 years, was dressed in a black saree and had a whip around her shoulders. She used to drive away evil spirits and predict the future of her visitors. She used to drink excessively and smoked cigars (suruttu) while being possessed, said persons close to her family. A cheating case filed against the Godwoman and subsequent arrest brought her spiritual practice down. However, she maintained a low profile after her release on bail. Sudha was the daughter of a government employee Durai, who encouraged and motivated her to continue her practice as ‘Karuppasamy’. The question is, if she was really possessed by a holy spirit, why did she have such a sudden and unexplained death?

Sudha died three months ago under mysterious circumstances. While a few alleged that she committed suicide following a family dispute over property, another section claimed that she hanged herself due to mental pressure from the family to continue her spiritual practice. Some say she hit the bottle too hard and so died an untimely death. Denying the rumours, Sudha’s husband Raja said: “My wife said she was experiencing chest pain and fainted. I rushed her to the nearby hospital. But the doctors said she had already died”. However, no police inquiry or case has been registered regarding the death of this once famous Godwoman. The police are clueless about her death.

Sounds familiar? Like a spooky B movie re-run of a certain local Diva/Guru who ignited to the afterlife a few months back!

Is there life on Mars?

2011-06-23T16:39:00.009+01:00

H.H. Kevinandaji - in a moment of profound reflection as he fondles his favourite Pussy!

"Dearly Beloved Chi-Ting devotees, it is with a heavy and deeply saddened heart that I must inform you of the defection of Sisterklaus Kumari to a life of bourgeois domesticity. She has foresaken us for a heterosexual dalliance!!! I too was utterly shocked by the news, having believed that the Sister had viciously removed her Wiener and baubles while strung out on ketamine. This turns out to be a grotesque deception, having mastered ancient Taoist techniques of genital retraction the Sister was in fact not unmanned but secretly operational. Now consumed by outrageous lust, her bits have sprung back into position and he/she is fully functional and armed! The question remains will the Sister continue with the rabid drag queen chic? I believe this grave moral lapse has been caused by a fervent and unspoken attachment to "I"-centric states of attainment etc etc ...."

To be continued ...

Reformation ...

2011-04-03T22:15:00.005+01:00

What is the relationship between the devotee and Guru? What is more important: the external authority or what unfolds for us at the centre of our own experience? Or ... NEITHER ...

Is Self-realisation purely a personal project, describing various "I"-centric states of attainment? ... Have we missed something and been directed into a blind alley of pure self-indulgence, investigating our navel while missing reality right under our noses? Are we still constrained and defined by the magic theatricality of Gurudom and its superstitious incense-filled fervour? Do we have to continually answer to a spiritual and moral God-man who no longer represents us and plays a game of teaching and hierarchy when no true teaching exists ... only an annihilation of identity over which they and we have no control?

Traditional and neo-Advaita is calcified, hierarchical and egoically driven. The seeker is locked into a material quest for personal attainment and self-aggrandisement. Both are all about power and domination. In this historical time, as everything disintegrates and social structures collapse, no social relationship is immune from this contagion. Vistas of opportunity suddenly beckon: how will we reconfigure? Everything is up for grabs. Isn't it time for a reappraisal of the Guru and the disciple in this kaleidoscope of change? ... A true Reformation!

The concept of enlightenment as we know it, begins with the historical Buddha and his teaching of nirvana. We have no idea what he actually said though because it was never written down and after it was, the early Buddhist Councils left us with a dialectical car crash of re-written and re-interpreted records. In the early centuries after the Buddha's death, the Buddhists argued with the myriad Indian philosophical schools who all believed that the world absolutely does (eternalism) or doesn't exist (nihilism). This is the long-running saga which has never gone away and it is wreckage the seeker is still crawling out of today.

The arguments that held sway then are still with us. They reappear in the clash we see in Advaita between traditional and neo-Advaita. Both are also stuck in the conceptual brain-jam of things either completely existing or non-existing. There is the "I" which absolutely exists and needs to be subjected to methods (traditional Advaita) and an "I" which doesn't exist at all so there's nothing to do (neo-Advaita).

Advaita is the bastard progeny of the Hindu reaction to Buddhism largely originating in South India from the 8th century onwards (Shankara, Gaudapada etc). Hinduism could only offer the paltry concept of moksha or liberation based on the eternalist belief there is an ultimately-existent "I" which is absorbed into another equally ultimately-existent entity known as the Self or atman. This conceptual Achilles' Heel is why Advaitic philosophy took on Buddhist theories. The Hindu notion of Self was re-branded beyond the confines of an ultimately-existent entity and its ailing theology was given a whole new lease of life.

But unfortunately in most cases, Advaitic Self-realisation still does not go beyond realisation of an absolutely-existent "I". Something is still going on in Advaita where the Self remains an ultimate state to be realised. This makes it a personal project of enlightenment where the "I" remains firmly intact and the claim is made: "I" am enlightened. This is the equivalent of "Advaitic original sin" and opens the door to all of the deceit and corruption so self-evident today in Tiru. For example:

acting as a Guru with the power to enlighten
advocating a method for enlightenment (e.g. self-enquiry, japa, bhakti/devotion, tantra or celibacy)
chanting the neo-Advaita mantra: "there's nothing to do!"

Nearly all of these Gurus are coming from an absolute centre of "I". Perpetuating methods and non-methods is a dance of total hypocrisy where the one-eyed man leads the blind into an endless maze of delusion. Both traditional and neo-Advaitic Gurus play the same game either in the doing or non-doing of a method. They perpetuate the Hindu belief that the "I" is totally real, rather than the Buddhist doctrine that it is empty.

The meaning of the Buddhist doctrine of emptiness has been overlooked by most of Advaita and its devotees alike. Here the "I" is neither completely existent or non-existent. Both extremes of eternalism and nihilism are avoided. The "I" exists but is merely a temporary appearance: something which is both real and unreal.

So should we now reject Advaita because it falls short? If we did, we would return to the hapless state of depending merely on our own selves for enlightenment. But surely this also fails because that self is empty too. Following a Guru is no different from relying just on one's personal intuition and knowing because both rely on the separate "I".

A true Reformation is not a return to personal liberation. It is the falling away of the guru and the personal self as a means to enlightenment. This is about Grace: it is not under your (or anyone else's) personal control. If you want an all-singing, all-dancing Bollywood production with a magical mystery tour to nowhere, then please carry on. But for how much longer will we kowtow to the clowns who tell us they can liberate us and promise emancipation through techniques of doing or non-doing?

Why not bite the bullet: all is empty - including the "I". Let us be blunt: in this motion picture, there is nothing uglier than mutton dressed up as lamb.

All that is solid melts into air ...

2011-03-20T11:31:00.000Z

Sisterklaus Kumari in an exclusive extract from The Confessional Comments:

"If God, Self, Guru and devotee are one and if that unity is simultaneously real and unreal and we therefore are not totally existent, I can only conclude that we maybe exist. I can confirm that, I always thought it was a kind of suppressed madness in myself, but now the clouds have lifted and I am standing naked in the blazing sun of Awareness and Sister Klaus will shine forever as a Maybe!"

There are some events that fracture us along lines of dissonance, causing the identity to fragment and disintegrate. Likewise there are some that cause the identity to clench and harden. Moments like Radha Ma's death are the poisoned darts that speed towards our deepest doubt: our deepest doubt that we truly exist! Events that strike at the heart of us - unnerve us and cause us to question - reveal our deep uncertainty about the nature of existence. With the disintegration of presumed identity, the mirror of separation can finally shatter ...

As Karl Marx said: All that is solid melts into air, all that is holy is profaned! A natural opening is possible when, with the death of the alleged individual, a colossal energy demands to be integrated. Our sense of cast iron identity, once present in material form, destabilises. This energy strikes at the root of our belief in anything solid or real - and at this point we are subject to something far greater.

The ego - that hard, crystallised tower of views and conceit - resides at the epicentre of this seismic shock to the system. But we never know when the tidal wave of destruction will come. This dissolution and its internal alchemy is a wondrous thing. Like quicksilver it runs through our conceptual hands, evading futile attempts to imprison its magic and luxuriant mystery.

Apparently we live in tumultuous times: tsunamis, nuclear meltdown, uprisings in the Middle East, ever-rising food prices ... and self-immolating Gurus! These all add spice to the Society of the Spectacle that feeds our apocalyptic imagination. But the apocalypse is not the end of society or the world as we know it ... it is the death of the self.

Enjoy the ride, it's gonna get Helter Skelter ...

The Good Shepherd

2011-03-17T17:22:00.005Z

For those who have eyes to see and ears to hear:
[With thanks to Dennis ... ]

There is an Eastern tale which speaks about a very rich magician who had a great many sheep. But at the same time this magician was very mean. He did not want to hire shepherds, nor did he want to erect a fence about the pasture where his sheep were grazing. The sheep consequently often wandered into the forest, fell into ravines, and so on, and above all they ran away, for they knew that the magician wanted their flesh and skins and this they did not like.

At last the magician found a remedy. He hypnotized his sheep and suggested to them first of all that they were immortal and that no harm was being done to them when they were skinned, that, on the contrary, it would be very good for them and even pleasant; secondly he suggested that the magician was a good master who loved his flock so much that he was ready to do anything in the world for them; and in the third place he suggested to them that if anything at all were going to happen to them it was not going to happen just then, at any rate not that day, and therefore they had no need to think about it. Further the magician suggested to his sheep that they were not sheep at all; to some of them he suggested that they were lions, to others that they were eagles, to others that they were men, and to others that they were magicians.

And after this all his cares and worries about the sheep came to an end. They never ran away again but quietly awaited the time when the magician would require their flesh and skins!

P. D. Ouspensky, In Search of the Miraculous, Fragments of an Unknown Teaching.

Where Angels fear to tread ....

2011-03-12T15:05:00.026Z

Had a bad day at the office? Is your Messiahship in doubt because of defections to a sleazy Jamaican Rasta or just plain pissed off because Satan's favourite daughter has just gone up in smoke? Don't worry, help is at hand! Contact Chi-Ting Gurus Anonymous and we will put you back on track ...

From the plethora of banal and vacuous spiritual platitudes flying around the internet about Radha Ma, we have concluded that a moronic level of pseudo Love & Light posturing is becoming all persuasive, hence this little missive.

BEWARE of the likes of Alan Jacobs (he almost died a pathetic death of neglect at Radha's hand whilst living in Tiru 5 years ago) who proclaims the gospel of Advaita from the pulpit of that North London uptight gentleman's club, the hopelessly misguided Ramana Maharshi Society. His deeply dualistic, one-sided perspective attempts to hush up the nasty and sordid misdemeanours under the surface. Perhaps the most "insincere aspirant" is Jacobs himself, who peddles the respectability of his own views, minus the darker side of the same reality which he scorns as "slanders" made by "unscrupulous persons".

... Also Papaji Policewoman in collusion with Richard Clarke (Richard Arunachala, yawn, vomit!) who has churned out the most dire, sycophant commentary you have ever seen in your life on the "amazing, beautiful time" of Radha Ma's questionable end.

Meanwhile there is the incontrovertible evidence that Radha Ma was not some divine Saint but flirting with the dangerous and wholly unnecessary practices of entity worship and tantrism (dodgy Real Estate deals too!) as part of her nefarious claim that she was enlightened.

Dualism splits reality: good versus evil. It takes one side of the equation and rails against its opposite. But non-dualism goes beyond this conceptual, moral framework. What happened to Radha Ma reminds us that reality is a mixture of light and dark, good and bad. The two can never be divorced.

So who has the courage to get their hands a little dirty and see through this sanitized Love & Light confection of reality that always stops short of leaping into the abyss? Can we go further than saying Radha was either a Saint or a Demon?

Putting anyone up on a pedestal to this extent makes the mistake that the Guru is ultimately real. But this reinforces separation and is entirely "missing the mark" (the original Aramaic definition of sin!) What you see before you is simultaneously real and unreal (it is and it isn't!). The Guru is therefore NOT totally existent.

Geddit?! All we can say in exasperation is ... "JESUS WEPT!"

Beyond Good and Evil ...

2011-03-08T14:23:00.005Z

Faisal said ... [about Radha Ma]

Well it is confirmed 100% that she is dead due to severe burns... 80% of her body was burnt & when she reached the hospital she had 10% chance to live... My brother saw her body today in Tiru they will bury the body in the ashram.

I still don't know how it happened but from experience with her I guess as usual she was trying to show that she is beyond death & that she had powers "sidhis", but this time it went in a total unexpected way & the fire ate her to death. She used to burn herself with hot metal or pierce her body with needles or cut it with knives etc to confirm that she is beyond all of this ... Most of the people I know who knew her feel shocked but happy at the same time because they think it is a relief for her students.

It is the furthest from truth that she did it on purpose in the name of self-immolation as she is so attached to her students.

Her students received a good amount of burns too trying to put the fire out so it is obvious that all of this was not planned as "self-immolation".

Dealing with black magic & dark forces is not a joke & it leads to insanity & great imbalance in the brain. She used to tell me "You have no idea what 'they' will do to me if I don't obey them" + she wanted me to worship her body & tread the tantric path in the promise of great sidhis. She asked me to write about her etc ..... Fortunately with the support of grace I was able to leave within 3 months but it took me about 8 months after I left to clean all the mental debris & confusion of being with her.

I know by heart that she dealt with the dark forces intensively & she controlled her devotees thru fear. I remember one night I did something that upset her & I left home & that night hell broke loose as all kinds of dark entities were laughing & whispering in my mind & I saw black ghosts in my house as "her" roaming in my house & even though the house was sealed shut by nets it was full with hundreds of mosquitoes. It was a mad night full of terror & I was on the verge of insanity. I have heard over & over again that she is satin "PURE EGO" incarnate . She used to say my job isn't to destroy mind but to create mind & she told me many times I can destroy a thousand Buddhas & bring back mind to any one. "HER CLAIMS"

Despite all the above it was one of the greatest experiences to teach me so many things. I might be attacked by for sharing this but nothing can stop me from sharing my own personal experience.

Blessings
Faisal

Suicide in the Bunker ...

2011-03-07T18:56:00.012Z

We are stunned and totally shocked by the news that Radha Ma died on Sunday, March 6th after an act of self-immolation the previous day at her ashram. She was rushed to hospital with 90% burns but doctors could not save her life.

It is rumoured that she left a letter blaming 3 of her former devotees who had become disenchanted with her after 'Real Estate problems!'

There was also a pending sexual harassment case brought by one of Radha's devotees against the ashram's former caretaker. It has even been whispered that Radha was the guiding hand behind the case, which turned into a vicious dogfight. Emails where she threatened "Yama" (death) to one of her ex-devotees had recently been passed to lawyers.

Her funeral has been held today and it is said she will be interred as a Saint. The question arises would a Saint commit suicide and lay the blame at the feet of those who had left the fold? And why was it necessary to kill herself in such a dramatic and painful way over petty legal wrangling?

With a horrid sense of hindsight, it might have been wiser if she had heeded the advice of Yogi Ramsuratkumar. Apparently he personally warned her,"not to play the role of a guru."

The Scary World of Becoming ...

2011-01-12T11:46:00.012Z

'Oh the song and dance of separation!' The marionettes jerk around on strings, even believing in their freedom of choice. Like an old Lumiere Brothers' silent flick hardwired into an emblem of schizophrenic modernity like Inception, this drama amazes and confounds at every turn. Who, why, what, no-one bloody knows!

So what is the purpose of this blog? Well ultimately there is none. It's just a cosmic nihilism swirling around in the apparent disorder. But secretly in the midst of our delusional linear reality, Uncle Kevji has a plan to sow little, little seeds of disbelief amongst the spiritual drag queens who plague and infest Arunachala. The hydra's teeth rising from the ground will cut a bloody swathe through this Bonfire of the Vanities.

You may loathe this blog and worship at the feet of a bloated potentate like Mooji, Nithy etc etc. It doesn't matter what your opinion is. A ticking time bomb has been set and all those cosy assumptions will be rent asunder. Because, you don't need to become Bigger, Badder or Better. The Unreality of Reality has always been in front of your eyes ... so close you can hear the heartbeat!

There is NO "ONE" THERE TO BECOME ANYTHING. There are NO ENLIGHTENED TEACHERS and the concept of ENLIGHTENMENT IS A TOTAL FALLACY. Reality is just a temporary flickering light show without substance (it exists but is not ultimately existent - Nagarjuna). You can amuse yourself for decades or even lifetimes playing this game but it's all ultimately hollow and devoid of purpose.

Eventually you will withdraw the succour of your interest from these attention-feeding clowns. Like the fate of old Queen Mabh who lost all her power when people turned away, we will forget them.

Ultimately all parasites without a host, disintegrate and die!

A time of ill omen ...

2011-01-07T09:22:00.003Z

Yea Verily tis the time of doom and gloom, the lull before the storm.

Yes Dear Ones, the news you have been longing for has arrived. That Avatar of the Apocalypse, that fearsome Dominatrix Sunanda Whitehouse the Icon of Moral Rejuvenation has risen from her deathly slumber and the Second Coming of the Most Righteous One is upon us. The eerie cackling of menopausal matrons, the manic clicking of sharpened knitting needles and the massed cry of: "I'll have two sugars in my tea darling!"

If you are of the male gender, flee town before the wrath of her beady gaze and the lash of her stiletto-point tongue dismembers your manhood!

A phalanx of Grumpy Grannies have been seen massing at the Samadhi of Sunanda (next to the kennel for the Christian doggies) at the Quo Vadis Christian World Domination Centre.

Be Afraid, Be very Afraid!

Chi-Ting Christmas Address

2010-12-24T16:37:00.005Z

Dear Readers

Now that your turkey costs 3 trillion dollars and your house is completely worthless, we thought a patronising moral homily from these 2 fine upstanding sociopaths would fill you with the requisite seasonal joy.

A former graduate of the Hitler youth speaks:

"There is only one God: the Holy Trinity of Money, Power and Corruption."

A whinging Oxford git replies:

"There is no God: only the Science of ME, ME, ME!"

While pondering these uplifting and inspirational diatribes, we have concluded that none of these worthless bastards exist. They are all part of the smorgasbord of Maya and Leela that captivates and deludes us into believing this silly bloody story.

So don't worry about saving the rainforests - or the decimation of the species by HAARP technology and the appproach of Planet Nibiru. There is liberation in the End Times and 'The Rapture' is available priced £450 from Mooji Inc while stocks last!

Here's Jimmy ...

2010-11-08T05:21:00.024Z

Now that the Archangel Gabriel has left us for more salubrious climes, we are left to greet a less affable soul in the shape of our favourite troll-about-town, James Swartz alias Ram.

Now Jimmy is famous for his rants against Neo Advaita and he will pontificate at great length from his pulpit in Usha's restaurant against the evils of said creed. His most well known article is called 'The Horse's Mouth' - which we in the Chi-ting office renamed 'The Ogre's Anus' - because like most of Ram's ruminations, it is dark, smelly and somewhat flatulent. Jimmy is basically a bad tempered Pharisee who likes to dress up as a reactionary Hindu. His powers of myopic conceit are truly mind blowing: he actually believes he was born Vasana lite!

In a recent interview, he managed to slag off every Neo Advaitin on the planet and is being considered for the Guinness Book of Records for his feat of relentless abuse (if you suffer from attention deficit disorder please skip this link as he does drone on). Actually we do have to admit there are times when we are almost fond of him, as he is such a completely unapologetic, grumpy old git. Then he goes and does something really odious and we can't resist the temptation to stone him.

This year Jimmy has really done it and formed the Triumvarite from Hell, joining forces with David (Waiting for Godot) Godman and Premananda (Spermananda) to write a book on the teachings of Ramana called Arunachala Shiva.

Now I remember talking to Jimmy in early 2005 and he described in exquisite detail how he loathed and detested Godot with all his heart. Then when the original Chi-ting Guru Gossip website went up in late 2006, Jimmy wrote to us saying (and I quote): "Anything disgusting you wish to make up about John David [an earlier incarnation of Spermananda] is probably true and he is guilty of far worse than you can imagine!"

Now he has got in bed with these two love bunnies and one has to ask, what gives? We are familiar with the Machiavellian adage 'my enemies' enemy is my friend' but this menage a trois takes cynicism to new heights of depravity.

So Jimmy, what's cooking? I'm sure that your serious seekers after truth (and they do have to pay hundreds of dollars for the privilege of hearing you pontificate) would love to hear a clear and concise answer to that one. And NO five hour declamation in the style of Cicero please. Remember: when Mark Anthony had the great Orator murdered, he also had his hands cut off and nailed to the Senate door ...

It was said to be a permanent cure for the excessively verbose!

What to do?

2010-11-04T07:49:00.017Z

(I rescued this from the Comments section in the previous post)

Anonymous said: Many so called masters talk about the lion's roar, but fact a lot of us are sheep. What to do?

His Holiness Sri Sri Swami Kevinandaji replies:

What to do? What to f##ken do!!!! I'm gonna blow a fuse. It's simple innit! Be like the child in the Hans Christian Anderson story of 'The Emperors New Clothes'. Tell the crowd that the Emperor has no clothes, inform them that his testicles and tackle are hanging loose for all to see. Prove that the divine breath is not wasted on you. Be a Human Being, not a capon ready to be stuffed for Christmas. Sheep get Ba-Ba-Barbecued, do you want to be a lamb chop just for the sake of social conformity? As fat drunken Winston put it: "Fight them on the beaches, never surrender!" These Pig F#cks are prostituting everyone's birthright for their self-aggrandising hubris and vanity, a pox on them and all their works! Do you want to truly live or be poisoned by a saccharine substitute of the Real Thing. Say NO to this palsied fatalism. Stand up and roar, for they will say in times to come, "Giants once walked this earth". Ye gods I'm preaching to the terminally fuckwitted, it's bloody hopeless innit!

P.S. I have no connection to Papaji and never went to Lucknow. I was born this way, mad, bad and dangerous to know. "Tis my nature said the scorpion to the frog."

Radha Ma: Downfall ...

2010-10-31T07:51:00.015Z

(Radha has been very depressed recently and has written me a plea for help in the Comments section. She is prone to being Bipolar and a bit manic, she locks herself away for months in a dark room and eats compulsively, getting up to Sumo fighting weight in record time. So just to cheer her up we've written a film script for her, a kind of an Advaitic version of the Mel Brooks classic The Producers. So cheer up Radha, just sing-a-long to 'Springtime for Hitler in Germany!')

Live from 'Der Radha Bunker', starring Bruno Ganz as Radha Ma.

~~Berlin 1945~~, ~~the howl of Russian howitzers scream through the air.~~

Tiruvannamalai 2010, the discordant cacophony of a village marriage rips through the air as the manic tones of Tamil techno causes blood to leak from the ears. Everyone stumbles around in disarray and sensory confusion.

With the collapse of her once mighty Real estate empire, the forces of the Radha Reich are reduced to a dishevelled rump of a couple of Sadhus, her boyfriend Amar, her unhappy husband and some small children who have been conscripted from the local village to defend Das Mutterland. Desperately Radha tries to rally the troops against the inevitable onslaught of the Russian tourists.

"We will fight them to the last drop of your blood", she intones heroically. The small children have been lined up dressed in sadhu robes, white chalk smeared across their heads in true Saivite warpaint style. They shuffle around picking there noses while Radha marches up and down the line trying to inspire them. She looks down at one small child, gives his cheek an affectionate squeeze and absentmindedly slaps him about the head. The child starts to howl and Radha clouts him. He shuts up instantly and looks at her in terror. "Discipline and courage are the true mark of a devotee, you will now give your lives for the Radha reich!" The children are given sticks and pushed out into the street to fend off the onslaught of the Russian barbarian horde.

Radha turns to her last 2 remaining generals and says: "You have all failed me, you do not deserve me, where is General Kalidas and the 9th army of devotees?" Her husband looking a bit sheepish, turns to her and says "Urr he's defecting to the Russians at this very moment in time". They turn and see a weird hippy who looks a bit like a refugee from 'Robin Hood Men in Tights', scuttle across no man's land towards the Sparsa Hotel. "I am betrayed by all!" she wails. There is a stunned silence, the advancing Russian tourists start clicking their cameras furiously, flashbulbs burn the retinas in a blinding haze. "I am not a Guru, go to the Ramana Ashram!" she screams desperately and then in a final act of tenderness, turns to her boyfriend Amar (for it is he, Amar Alhassan, the famed transcriber of Radha's holy words): "You will betray Das Mutterland and your Radha?"

"Never meine Radha, I will endure an eternity in maya to be at your side," he replies. They clutch hands passionately in a last show of love and defiance, before the Russians descend. "Right I'm out of here, the bed isn't big enuff for the 3 of us!" says her husband as he storms off down the road in search of his chum General Kalidas.

The heroic duo stand alone in one last beatific moment before the tragedy of their final stand reaches consummation. Loudspeakers play 'Tomorrow belongs to us' from the movie Cabaret and dancing nuns pirouette and somersault across the stage as leather-clad fetish-dwarfs juggle firesticks and giggle manically. One last glance of love and then they are run over and consumed by the enlightenment hungry horde of Russians.

Only a stain remains in the dirt, the moment of Mahasamadhi has arrived!

Samsara is Nirvana ...

2010-10-25T07:36:00.008+01:00

Have you seen the new Tiruvannamalai Tourist Information brochure?

It is truly astounding! As I perused each page I felt as if I was holding a rare parchment of the Brother's Grimm Fairytales, it was like being transported to a bizarre realm never seen or spoken of, for fear of breaking its magic spell. Where is this fabled "Spiritual Centre of South India", it looks so inviting? Yoga Spa treatments, gourmet food, kind and warm hearted local guides who would never fleece you and who only care about helping you on your karmic journey!

Then it dawned on me as the scales dropped from my eyes and the enchanted glamour evaporated, that this is the Tiru I love and loathe. Those mugshots of our kindly guides are a rogues' gallery of every local villain and scamster. With their dead-eyed venal stare, these boys are looking for blood and geld and YOU are on the menu!

Then I came to the Spiritual Masters page, "duh", Mooji, Madhukar, Gaia (he's so famous they spelt it Gaja, obviously a homage to Lady Gaga), that bloodless Werepig Torsten, James Swartz looking like a dessicated cadaver, Spermananda, Satsang Barbie and then some non-entities who I have never heard of. It looks like a bulletin board for a United Nations war crime tribunal! Page after page, it gets more surreal. I must be tripping - "curiouser and curiouser" said Alice to the Cheshire cat - let's take another toke on the DMT. Weird Singing Heart ashram woman has a full page to advertise her paranoid and confused satsang (will David Icke make a guest appearance?) To top it all she even has a special retreat called Dying for Truth, I take it that this is when the cyanide and orange juice are passed around and everyone signs over their worldly possesions before the journey to the Great Hereafter!

I could endlessly list the delights of this strange publication but suffice to say the best joke is on the inside cover. It's an ad for an imaginary Visitors' Centre: there is no given address and no-one I have spoken to knows where it is. Maybe it will just teleport into place in front of the Ramana Ashram, just as coach loads of wide-eyed tourists stumble into town eager for the wonder of this magical spiritual Mecca.

Next time you sidestep a dead and decomposing Sadhu arraigned tastefully among the rotting garbage, pinch yourself and think of this little fantasy magazine that promises the earth but will sell you the same old losers and spivs.

Only Arunachala could cook up the flailing entrails of the Kali Yuga into such a delicious egoic theme park. It is truly a mirror of perfection here. Just remember: SAMSARA IS NIRVANA ...

And the winner is ....

2010-10-22T15:10:00.048+01:00

Chi-ting-Apocalypse is proud to present the winner of our prestigious summer quiz.

The answer was all of them simultaneously! Each of them are being shagged and shagging as they are all dream figures of the "self". Therefore the "self" is fucking itself. GEDDIT!

And the winner is ....Yes you've guessed it, Gabriel. Known as the 'Archangel' in hooker circles throughout the world, as he is famed for his very specific sexual demands! Gabriel has been harassing and mind fucking every satsang teacher on the planet for at least 14 years. He first came to our attention in 98 at a John deRuiter meeting where his chirpy North London tones could be heard harassing JdeR with a constant barrage of "Yeah, Yeah but John," ad infinitum. Tony Parsons recently threatened to throw him out of a meeting as he couldn't take it any more. Gabriel was a long term resident of Tiru until 2006 and he even had a servant called 'Man Friday'. His Goddess fetish was fed by an on-off Lurv affair with Radha Ma which came to a violent climax, when he tried to snog her in a satsang at the Ganapa temple: she then proceeded to beat him up! He then decamped to Bombay to bombard Ramesh Balsekar with his endless litany of clever but very tortured questions. Only a man of Ramesh's advanced years had the patience to deal with his monstrous mind. Gabriel is reminiscent of the Benny Hill character in the original movie of 'The Italian Job'. He likes BIG girls and we mean BIG! So if there are any Tubby Tessies in town this is your big chance! Head on down to the Arunai Anantha Hotel for a personal audition.

So congratulations Gabriel, Radha Ma is already polishing the strap-on and digging out the leather bodice in anticipation of your return. This will be a reunion made in heaven!

As you can tell, Gabriel is much more fun than the moronic satsang teachers that plague our shores and we think he should set up shop and then we could have a REAL PARTY!

Shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather

Whiplash girlchild in the dark

Comes in bells, your servant, don't forsake him

Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart ...

Blubber Brother cometh ...

2010-10-20T05:49:00.006+01:00

Yes, the Whale of LURV is coming back. American immigration decided not to issue Anthony Moo-Young alias Mooji with a visa. So instead of boring his stateside fans with more of his ME, ME, ME stories, sweaty bonhommie and his Papaji tribute band impersonation, he has decided to inflict his presence on Tiru. That means hundreds of stoned idiots on the rampage mumbling stuff about 'nothing to do man' while manicly spliffing up! Plus a massive increase in rents and a large mark up on eatables at the Rip Off. OH WOE UNTO US!

We are a dysfunctional bunch of misfits here, a kind of cross between the boat trip in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Name of the Rose and the Life of Brian. Truly we are the enclave of the desperate, it's just that we are not that desperate! This seasonal influx is like having a social toilet emptied all over the place and it ain't too clean to start with!

So please Tony "BUGGER OF TO GOA". It's the place where you can indulge your vices to your heart's content and lastly, don't forget to take your creatures with you!

My Bordello by the sea

2010-08-24T08:07:00.006+01:00

An exclusive interview with Uber Fuhrer Karl Renz

(Kevinanda and Karl go toe-to-toe and slug it out for 15 rounds!)

KEV: Karl, many people think you are a self-satisfied twat. How do you respond to these accusations?

KARL: You are an unenlightened asschlock, not fit to lick my jackboots.

KEV: Karl, you seem to be surrounded by young women called Noi, Nong, Lec and Nok. Is it true that they say you are a big boy when you give them lots of monies?

KARL: I am a big boy in the world of Neo-Advaita!

KEV: The burning question in the sewers of Tiruvannamalai is why have you forsaken your sycophants in favour of the fleshpots of south Thailand?

KARL: I am bored with these lame fuckwits and I have also been gazumped by that sleazy fat rastafarian!

KEV: Do you shop at Tesco in Koh Samui and is it an improvement on the Rip Off supermarket?

KARL: I prefer Carrefour, it's the place where the real Eurotrash hang out!

KEV: Is it true you and Radha have run off together? Because she hasn't been seen recently, after the loss of most of her devotees caught up in her latest real estate scam.

KARL: I am only interested in what is prior!

KEV: What, foreplay? Or is it her voluptuous and perfectly formed breasts?

KARL: Ja, to all of the above.

KEV: Do you have any advice about the tragic demise of that much esteemed guru Nithyananda?

KARL: Less of the crocodile and more of the bullshit.

KEV: Did you know that Satsang Barbie has volunteered to fill your Xmas and New Year spot? Do you think she has the necessary integrity?

KARL: (We pause while Karl vomits into the nearest container!)

KEV: Is it true that Germany failed to reach the World Cup final because of an excessive number of homosexuals in the team?

KARL: Only those who are beyond gender reach the final goal!

KEV: Were you shocked to hear that your old stomping ground, Usha's restaurant is about to be turned into a supermarket?

KARL: At least I won't be poisoned by that extortionate buffet.

KEV: Have you replaced your Blofeld Bond villain sneer, now that you are loved up in Samui?

KARL: I still stroke my big white cat vigorously.

And on this happy note we leave Karl slurping on his tequila sunrise, shimmering in his newly acquired and very garish Hawaiian shirt ...

Another day in paradise ... Or is it a prelude to his triumphant return?

Elvis the Alien ...

2010-08-04T22:02:00.005+01:00

Hey Ho let's go! Is that a new guru just arriving in town? Looks like he's heading straight for those Auro-vile munchie bars just near the check out at the ~~Ramana~~ Rip off Supermarket. What is he doing here at this time of year, the real weirdoes only come at Christmas with lump-of-lard Mooji and his Goan refugees. Maybe he escaped from a 1950s' sci-fi movie and just got lost, or is a more sinister plot afoot? World domination, genocide, lots of shopping and all the usual bullshit. Our intrepid investigative reporter approached 'Dead Elvis' to try and cull a quote from this man of mystery but all he could do was mumble "Viva Las Vegas!" Is it a mantra? Will busloads of whack jobs with poodles on their heads invade Tiru? We await events with baited breath but our suspicion is that The End Time has begun and it's gonna get really weird!

Chi-Ting summer special!

2010-05-14T13:17:00.032+01:00

Tired, depressed and lonely?
Verily your head is caught in a cleft stick! No-one wants to buy your Life Bliss Technology and all your devotees have done a runner. It can't get any worse or can it? Then some big bugger of a bull comes along and shafts you without lubrication!

CHI-TING SUMMER QUIZ

Question 1. Is the victim ...

A. Nithyananda - caught on film playing kiss and cuddle with an errr 'Actress'.

B. Nithyananda - pretending he's not really a boy but a girl in disguise so he couldn't have done it anyway!

C. Nithyananda - getting down for a bit of 'Jailhouse Rock'.

Question 2. Is the perpetrator ...

A. Mr MOO-ji (Geddit!) - sharing out some big time Lurv-ing for a soul in distress.

B. Herr Madhukar - "ja und anything mit ein hole that Valks"

C. Professional idiot Premananda (alias Spermananda) - who used to boast that the only reason he was in the Guru game was to shag young women for free, "how else can a hairy old git get laid?" he remarked smugly as if reciting his daily mantra! This moron has even got a TV station to broadcast his prattle.

Answers on a postcard to:

PO Box 666

Post Office Road

Ramana Nagar

Tiruvannamalai 606603

Tamil Nadu

India

The winner will receive a voucher for a punishment session at the 'Advaita Monastery' where top Dominatrix and Chi-Ting devotee Radha Ma will be getting very strict! Dog food, chains, whips, the dental chair and the Mr Priapus strap-on, plus all the usual goodies including the cheese grater.

C'MON IT'S TIME TO BOOGIE!

Goodbye to all that ...

2009-02-27T13:11:00.014Z

The Chi-Ting Lingam of Fire!

So Dear Readers ... The season has come to an end. The punters are leaving and the Gurus have fled to more fiscally rewarding pastures. Those who are left, broil in the heat and acts of madness multiply by the day.

So what's it all been about? Arunachala holds up a huge mirror to the soul, where all the poison in the mud hatches out and everyone bears witness! Tiruvannamalai seems to attract people driven by desire and self-deception, fashioning reality in their own perverse image, with none of the self-reflection or spirituality they so ardently talk about.

Take the latest incident at Manna cafe where a woman was knowingly drugged with space cake and left abandoned at Rangammal hospital (without even her clothes!) This sheds an appalling light on the corpulent alcoholic, ex-heroin addict pretending to manage the place, who ran for cover at the first sign of trouble. A compulsive liar, Steve dishes up more and more outrageous stories by the day and even claims to be holding off enlightenment! Meanwhile the restaurant is a shady den where he traps women into illicit sex (while calling it tantra!) and his wife struggles to bring their daughter up singlehandedly, with no financial income.

Then there are the leecheswho see Tiruvannamalai as their own private investment market. For them, the town exists only as a financial opportunity for shops, restaurants and real estate ventures (all in the name of God of course!) With the influx of ready western cash into the area, the economic disparity between visitor and local has led to unprecedented greed. This septic bubble will soon burst as the recession bites more deeply and the Indian banks stop paying out against all the black market monies propping up the rampant house-building here.

Add into the mix, foreign women walking around with their bra straps showing and treating T.V.Malai as a sexual playground. Fucking the locals (definitely sadhana!) with little understanding of the religious and social mores is creating an explosive situation. A visit to any Internet shop reveals young Tamil boys obsessively viewing western pornography in the midst of their repressive home culture. Hardly a place of spiritual pilgrimage, T.V.Malai is increasingly a place to get heckled, sexually assaulted (even for those who dress conservatively and follow local customs) and propositioned after dark.

Tiruvannamalai seems to draw the Self-justifying Ego. Under the pressure of Tamil Nadu power cuts, the threat of serious disease and the irritation of daily price scams, seekers grip on ever more frenziedly to Satsang. Then the latest Guru's in town and they jump from one deluded fantasy world to yet another: complete with satisfying explanation. This is truly the New frontier of crass spiritual tourism, blown up large for all to see!

As for this blog, we merely provide a voice for the disaffected fringe, who have the common sense to realise that all these Gurus are 'Wannabe Emperors' with 'No clothes on'. We just take the piss (It's only satire, not mass murder!) So why do people get so angry about this site? In reality they see a reflection of themselves (Is that bullet too hard to bite?) What we write is only offensive to those with ego who have huge investment in certain personalities, postures and calcified belief systems (in other words, "spiritual elitists"!) We are showing you yourself ... Chi-Ting Apocalypse is the sadhana of all sadhanas! After all, don't the people who criticise this page, at the same time engage in the most incredible 'Self-indulgent Bitchery' and 'Back-stabbing gossip' in the various cafes of T.V.Malai? (These potted conversations contain more spite and ire than we could muster in a thousand pages!) Aren't most of the Westerners here just 'unreconstructed Christians' who lie around in the heat, smoking pot and flaunting their elevated principles in a New Age guise? And if this site is so nasty, why does everyone read it so avidly? Everybody talks about it in hushed voices, sniggering in corners! The moral hypocrisy here is really stunning! The real issue is not what you think or feel about this blog, the Gurus or T.V.Malai but whether you use all this to dis-identify with your own ego .... Or are you simply using this town as a self-aggrandising prop to keep the whole edifice of your Identity afloat?

QUESTION: Why are there so many false Gurus?
ANSWER: Because there are so many false seekers!

Mad, bad and back again ...

2009-02-22T04:32:00.030Z

Team Madhukar go for it in a frenzied attempt to get Enlightened ...

Yes it's that time of year again, Madhukar is back in town. This Priapic Uber Mensch makes Mooji's carousing look like something from Der Kindergarten. Madhukar's evil leering visage can be seen on slick posters all over town, a fascist political manifesto for a serial offender who has found the keys to paradise! This time Madhukar is selling something called The Yoga of Silence, which probably means that any young girls under the age of 25 will be rounded up and chained and gagged, before being left to the tender mercies of The Big Bad Bald One. He handpicks his victims carefully and has reduced Satsang to an aggressive act of dominance. How anyone can be taken in by this Benito Mussolini lookalike with his imperial pretensions is a complete mystery to us but year after year coachloads of the willing arrive to sacrifice their innocence and euros to his hubris.

If you like ruthless exploitation and humiliation, this dude is the Big Daddy of them all. Enjoy!

Sunanda Whitehouse R.I.P.

2009-02-16T13:17:00.020Z

Sabotage attempt on the Chi-Ting website!

The world of Chi-Ting has been stunned by the news that Icon of Moral Rejuvenation Sunanda Whitehouse has been assassinated. Sinister reactionary forces deliberately implanted a deadly Cyber virus in the image of Ms Whitehouse but were quickly liquidated by the awesome Chi-Ting powers of Sri Sri SRI Kevinandaji.

Distraught Grumpy Grannies have been laying wreaths outside the Quo Vadis Interfaith Centre. Was she taken Out by another Born Again or was she 'Whacked' by one of Real Estate Radha's mob? (Gang Supremo Medusa Ma was known to be violently jealous of Sunanda's cult status!) Other suspects include Papaji Policewoman Chandi Devi in collusion with a Donkey from Texas called Chuck. (Did the Donkey shag her to death? How bestial can this sordid drama get! For Chuck's mugshot, see the Comments section under "The Curse of Neo-Advaita.")

Sunanda will now be laid out in state. Paramilitary troops have been drafted in to deal with all eventualities. To these Agent Provocateurs: THANX for underlining the FACT that we are hitting the MARK! Ms Whitehouse will live on just like this website, her voice will never be silenced. She is a Martyr to the cause of Chi-Ting. Her Legacy will be legendary ...

The Curse of Neo Advaita ...

2009-02-14T01:00:00.066Z

Shopping for Salvation

It could be you: YOU could be the Lottery winner, Neo Advaita style ... Truth as a fast-food outlet, the latest soap product. Neo-Advaita has branded and packaged enlightenment as a cure-all for a generation caught up in an endless quest for instant gratification. This is the post-modern Democratisation of Self-realisation, a sophisticated seduction of the Capitalist ego which promises the ultimate conquest: personal dominion of the spiritual.

Neo-Advaita is not Advaita Vedanta and it is not the teachings of Ramana Maharshi either. Ramana merely used the language of Vedanta to explain his experience of Truth and said Be As You Are. Vedanta stops at mentally affirming the existence of the Self whereas Ramana counselled to go beyond the mind for Self-realisation.

Who are you? Well, you'll never find out if you listen to this bunch of morons! The Neo-Advaita trademarks are: Anyone can be enlightened (Apparently!) ... The "I" is still there after enlightenment (You can say that again with this lot!) ... You don't need a guru, you can do it yourself (So why do we need any of these idiots then?) ... nothing exists and there's no sadhana: "Nothing to do" (Except attend all their satsangs and give them lots of adulation and cash for their multiple DVDs, books, photographs and meditation cushions!) Just for the record, Ramana taught that realising the Self is predestined and a matter of Grace. He said the "I" is totally gone after enlightenment and that the presence of an enlightened being is essential, until the Self is attained. And Ramana endorsed all paths, stating that sadhana depends on the individual.

Neo-Advaita has hijacked and emasculated Ramana's Self-realisation, exploiting it for its own ends. It has taken his "Do nothing" instruction which Ramana said was only for the Advanced and perverted it to mean that absolutely NO sadhana is necessary. Anyone can "have" enlightenment NOW! No hassle, no effort: Realisation before you've even got there.

This is a shallow, consumeristic interpretation scraped from the retina of Ramana's teaching, which sells you abstract notions of enlightenment as the real deal: like buying on credit and never having to pay. It is the description of enlightenment minus the genuine article, an enticing theoretical product where body is divorced from mind. All you get is "talk" and "pseudo-awakenings" become the new benchmark. Saying it, replaces being it. Soft words and the language of love masquerade as the real thing. Understanding realisation is suddenly the accomplishment. Salvation served up on a slab: consume and you're enlightened!

The upshot is that anything goes if you can argue it. In the absence of visceral experience, the slightest tremor becomes an Awakening. And with the arbitary use of any free-floating concept, even Ramana can be castigated as a fake. Like a 1000-headed hydra, one Guru pops up only to be shouted down by another who shouts even louder (As Mr Heinz so sagely put it, "57 varieties of Mind Fuck soup!") This is why this Paradigm of Paradise is so jumbled and confused. It's a hybrid monster: Presence, Being In The Moment, Neti Neti and mental deconstruction to the nth degree, all in the name of Satsang!

This ugly assault on the Citadel of Consciousness is led by the bastard progeny of The Godfather; U.G. Krishnamurti (Remember this is the man who described all spiritual experiences as Dogshit and the Guru's grace as Secondhand vomit!) U.G.'s Blitzkrieg boys are Tony Parsons, Karl Renz and Jed McKenna (Is he really Adyashanti's evil twin?)

Tony Parsons is the Ringmaster of this Circus and its most cogent spokesman. He is the prime mover in the European New Wave along with Karl Renz - both with their respective brands of bullshit humour to flesh things out. Tony has made a career out of a mythical Walk in the Park, which he defined as his Awakening experience. This didn't stop him from hanging out for years with the original Rajneesh (Not his counterfeit copy!) Tony's clique indulge in a game of partisan one-up-manship. They are all desperate to join the so-called Awakening Club and dissenting voices are condemned to the gulag of "You don't get it, you're so dualist!" In this world, everyone including Ramana is deemed guilty of dualist speech and action. The logic behind this resembles the Marxist mindset-gone-mad: paranoia and cries of revisionism are fine-tuned with asinine comments, in what amounts to a kangaroo-court of self-appointed Non Dual Word Police. Tony's mantra is "Vasanas, what Vasanas? There is only This!" A superfluous wave of the hands then illustrates this great mystery (NOT!) All we are left with is the vacuous nature of Tony's smug bonhomie and his tired old jokes ...

The next member of this triumvirate is American enfant terrible, Jed McKenna, who doesn't actually exist (But then, nor does Kevinanda!) This fictional entity is the King of Smart Ass Logic and Neo-Advaitin non-concepts, blurted out in a continuous stream of self-congratulatory invective. His idee fixee is a clumsy and trite analysis of the novel Moby Dick, where the whale represents the ego and Ahab is the mind's attempt to annihilate itself. Jed is a Master of folksy Mid-West patter. The catch is, it's all just words.

Last up is Karl Renz. He's from the Academy of Mental Gymnastics, denying everything much like those Neti Neti hooligans of Old School Hinduism. Here comes the mind-wank of perpetually refuting and ridiculing absolutely anything somebody says, without any of the enlightenment. Poor Karl, he's still trapped in the mind: negation is his only friend!

Neo-Advaita is a Massacre of the Innocents. It is a cynical ploy totally devoid of humility. Without the need for sadhana or any prior qualification for enlightenment, anyone can be a guru. Tickling the vanity and satisfying the illusion that it is "Us" who are in control of our awakening, this horror story is an existential meltdown created by none other than, THE EGO! It is designed by the spiritually and emotionally lost, its mouthpieces are avaricious Devils in Disguise (See the movie Rosemary's Baby for a concise analogy!)

We leave you with a quote from the ultimate Chi-Ting publication of all time, The Bible, Matthew 7: 15-21: "Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly they are ferocious wolves ... "

Siva Sakthi in cash expose!

2009-02-11T01:00:00.003Z

We've always felt that Siva Sakthi Amma was a benign presence in Tiruvannamalai. She doesn't bore anyone with Talking School and has always given Darshan with no charge to all and sundry ... Plus she looks like Yoda's wife from Star Wars!

But since she broke her spell of silence and started to give private Darshan, a vociferous furore of complaint has reached fever point in the chai shops of T.V.Malai. Punters are claiming that her son is demanding 5-10,000 rupees ($100-200) for these one-to-one sessions.

In her defence, we might add that she has been dishing it out free for numerous years since her arrival from Salem and the people who are whining the most are often those who are happy to give away their cash to the likes of Kalki, Premananda, Mark-Hans or Miranda (all the Usual Suspects!)

Is Siva Sakthi involved in the cash-for-a-cosy encounter scandal or is her son culpable? Is she really skint or are there grandiose ashram plans in the offing? We await events with baited breath!

The Beast Within ...

2009-02-07T01:00:00.003Z

Germaine Greer Gets Serious ...

(Kevinanda: Germaine hit me with her handbag and she usually keeps a brick in there, so I had to let her have her say!)

Behold now the Behemoth that I have made with you
He eats grass like cattle
Behold now his strength is in his loins
And his power is in the navel of his belly
His tail hardens like a cedar
The sinews of his tendons are knit together
His limbs are as strong as copper
His bones as a load of iron
His is the first of God's ways
[Only] his Maker can draw His sword [against him]

Ermm ... What are you raving about, Germaine?
Job, you imbecile. Job 40! When The Beast thrashes within, unable to relieve itself without, it can't find completion ... The Behemoth symbolises the masculine gone wrong! It's all about Tiruvannamalai of course, Kevinanda!

Err right ...
The male energy's not right here. I've only been in this dusty temple town 5 minutes: the food is barely palatable, the male company potato-like and flaccid and there's not a nubile male teenager worth ravaging in miles: unless one indulges in the local rough trade!

That's quite a condemnation, Germaine. Anything to add?
Addicted, balding, impotent, overweight and pot-bellied, non-achieving, spiritually deluded, alpha males gone to seed. They're all asleep and scared to participate in this world! So they indulge in theological nonsense that only worships the mind, keeping reality at bay. It's all an act of confused self-justification! Truly an Enclave of the Desperate!

Any redeeming features?
Not from where I'm standing. The rest of them are do-gooding wimps: even more repellent! All mouth, no delivery ... Not a real man in the house!

So what about the girls? Are they any better?
Hardly, they suffer from the same imbalance ... and spend their time running around trying to save these no-hopers! They're either wilting Desdemonas or control-freak Terminators, driven by dissatisfaction and attracting what they loathe! It's all rather sado-masochistic ...

And the gurus?
What?! That breed of ageing pigs! The only reason they're in this game is so they can get off with young girls! Here we have the essence of the problem. They suck the life out of their audience, feeding on the adulation. And they prey on the female in order to satisfy themselves! The promise of enlightenment is the foreplay and the woman's sexual power, the sacrifice!

Yes, Germaine ... It's a vampire's flesh-fest ... So what?
The Behemoth must be served up to the surviving members of the human race!

Excuse me?
It's time we finished this dying breed off! It's a Biblical allegory for the integration of the male and female within, by surrendering the ego! What we need is a courageous, virile male rather than a deformed abomination! Even a retard like you can get your little brain around that one!

Isn't it time for your medication?
Where's my handbag? It's time I gave you a good bricking!

That's all folks! Germaine will be dishing out the punishment, anytime the Ugly-Head of Patriarchy rears itself in T.V.Malai. Teenage boys are advised to leave the area before she unleashes her monstrous libido!

Radha Ma ... Mea Culpa ...

2009-02-01T01:00:00.004Z

Ms Medusa gets personal!

Hi Readers! I've been on my Samadhi plan diet for the last 2 months. This involves eating nothing but ethereal Ambrosia and slapping my rich but stupid Devotees about the head at every opportunity. I've managed to lose more than 20 kilos and am back to my buxom best, after last year's Choci Orgy when I got up to Sumo fighting weight and needed a family-sized tent to walk around in! Now I can truly say I am an Olympian Goddess reborn ... This year I've been in my Himalayan retreat in Rishikesh, taking a break from my day job as a Guru. The Virgin Ganga truly has miraculous properties! All my dodgy Karma from my days as that infamous Mafioso Real Estate Radha, has been washed away in its soothing caress. Now I feel fighting fit, so come back Gabriel, all is forgiven ... Ramesh Balsekar is such a dessicated old bore he really doesn't deserve you! If you're a good boy I'll get the horse whip out and give you a jolly good beating! It'll be just like old times ...

As for those other dunces who dare to call themselves my devotees, I have made them waste lots of monies feeding the feckless poor ... While anyone who does not do my bidding is dismissed from my company. Being one of my devotees is like a game of musical chairs ... And when I feel like some amusement, I smash up all the seating and then they're history!

To relieve the 'ennui', I've been working as a waitress at Usha's. I've become the Belle du Jour [wasn't that a Catherine Deneuve movie from the 60s?] and cultural icon of the Advaita smorgasbord. With my friend Prema we shimmer in orange and dazzle the masses with our spectacular glamour. And when I get really bored, I drop in on a few Satsangs ...

I want to tell you a secret, Cherished Readers. Those small-time con-artists just can't resist my charms. They plead for private audiences and keep on coming back for more! That Karl Renz visited my Advaita monastery for personal correction. After I fed him dog food and put a studded collar around his neck, yanking the leash with all my might, I sent him on a penance for a thorough colonic cleanse. So I'm very sorry but Karl is unable to sit for satsang at the moment ... he's not enlightened and he's indisposed ... 'in flagrante' with a hose pipe up his ass!

And guess what? That creep Mark-Hans begged me for a taste of enlightenment! I told him to close his eyes and open his mouth ... You should have seen the look on his face, when I shoved sour candy down his stupid gullet! It made me laugh like a banshee!

Finally Beloved Ones, Sri Sri Kevinanda has at last relented and allowed me to become a full Chi-ting devotee. After he wrote that scurrilous Enid Blyton story about me [Radha Ma and the Temple of Isis] I tried to join the club. But he is so, so cruel, he said my qualifications did not fit and that I was carrying far too much weight ... Even though I wrote him a paean of praise on my award winning Blog!

So Dear Readers, you'll see me again. But do not catch me unawares ... My wrath can wake the Furies, my stare turn you to stone! Love and kisses, Ms Medusa xxx

To be continued ...

Satsang Barbie: Cosmo Special

2009-01-28T01:00:00.015Z

Breaking news:

Satsang Barbie (alias Miranda Macpherson), ex Beauty Queen and Chi-Ting News Anchorwoman has been sighted on Siva-Sakthi street with her 'new enhanced look': complete with Pink Bentley (the Satsang Mobile) and entourage of beauticians, plastic surgeons and personal fitness trainers.

We were not expecting Ms Barbie to arrive til early February. But as usual she has pulled a fast one, probably to avoid her American-based creditors. Apparently there are still a few places left on her remarkably cheap Retreat priced 1390 US dollars for 12 days: special discount, 5 dollars for anyone who keeps their make-up on for the entire week (She doesn't want to be the only one who looks like a melting waxwork doll!)

Just in case you didn't know, Satsang Barbie is internationally famous for flashing her crotch and drawing male fans for hundreds of miles around because she wears translucent underwear. We had previously thought that the market for 'Imaginary Awakening Experiences' (IAEs) had been cornered by that professional idiot, Premananda. But Miranda has usurped him on the 'PR bullshit front': she has even claimed she hears the "guidance" of Ramana Maharshi in the caves up on the mountain! (Did he ask her to charge exorbitant prices for her spiritual "services"? Was she divinely guided to exploit free darshans, already open to all?)

And did you notice? She's been getting a few 'nips and tucks' at her bijou Barbie Mansion in the States. Her best pal Paris Hilton and other divinely appointed celebs who have recently ascended to the top floor of Arcade in Beverley Hills, held her hand while the surgeon turned back those difficult 40-something years with a laser scalpel.

Miranda will be holding one-to-one sessions on the back seat of the Pink Mobile very soon (American Express Platinum cards only). "Shopping sprees at sari emporiums, jewellers, crafts and other local delights" will follow imminently ...

Muz Murray ... Who am I? ...

2009-01-27T01:00:00.003Z

'Who am I?' Muz Murray (aka Ramana Baba) thinks he knows.

He has seen me at his satsang. He pronounces me "faceless and bland", "ordinary and banal", a "nobody", a "nothing". Oh yes, I am so profoundly boring I attend his pitiful mutterings and endure his abortive mantras that click in the ears like dying insects.

Who am I? I am an Invention of the Zeitgeist, the ethers made corporeal. I am the 'Vengeance of Carthage', arisen from the salt-laden ruins. I am Back from the Beyond.

So Muz Murray, Who am I? Are you on my case, tenacious to the last? Are you Sherlock Holmes or the Inspector Clouseau of Vedic Confusion? Yes! I was there but only in the lost clouds of your imagined ramblings. I am descriptionless, beyond your little mind.

Muz Murray, Who are you? Are you a New Age Vedanta sage or just an ageing hippy has-been stealing the mantle of a Ramana revival?

Muz Murray, 'Who are you?' A fancy-dress reject in a Lawrence of Arabia out-take?

You're absolutely clueless. You drone on in your third-rate romantic gatherings about destroying the mind, the glories of the Self and the legacy of the Upanishads. You are nothing more than a charlatan fool lost in remembrance of the 60s while the 'Tiru-that-was' has gone: swallowed up by a horde of Kashmiri clothes shops and real-estate sharks.

Muz Murray, I know who I am. My Mystery is beyond your grasp. I will never pander to your adled sense of self-importance and I would prefer crucifixion to the drivel and tedium of your satsang!

Chi-Ting Readers Wives

2009-01-23T02:15:00.029Z

Chi-Ting devotees and their wives bare all! ...
As this blog has been described as the lowest form of spiritual pornography, we thought we would really go down into the gutter and let some right slappers strut their stuff!

Cruella & Nausea Khan:
Nubian consorts of Supreme Mongolian warlord, Genghis Khan. These girls really like to party when the boys get high on mare's milk. And for Genghis, the tent wasn't big enough for the three of them! Probably why he left home and conquered half the world ...

Lady Godiva:
Legendary stripper, the lady just can't keep her clothes on. This girl is FIT and needs no other qualification! Always up for a bare-back ride and will give any Peeping Tom a right eyeful. Her name means "Gift of God" and we concur! Outrageous and wanton we give her five stars ...

Germaine Greer:
Shagged her way around every campus in the known academic world. Stayed married for only 3 weeks - impossible for her to stay faithful. Wrote The Female Eunuch but we can guarantee she's got balls the size of an elephant! In her heyday, she was a cyclone of pheromones on heat ...

Lucrezia Borgia:
Up for absolutely everything including daddy, Pope Alex VI & bro, Cesare Borgia. Well known proclivity for poisoning unwanted husbands. This Venus is a black widow spider of epic proportions and will give you Cupid's pox in the blink of an eye! How close to the flame do you really wanna get?

The Buddha is Dead ...

2009-01-21T01:00:00.013Z

Or so you would think, if you had the grave misfortune to attend the repugnant Dharma Face-off event led by that opinionated doyenne of middle class head-fuckdom, Christopher Titmuss. Here was Buddhism sexed-up for the masses, led by the elitist demagogue Christopher and serenaded by Big Daddy Mooji and the inanely grinning Werner. The only saving grace was Radha Ma's demented laughter in the auditorium (she then promptly left before fatally succumbing to nausea).

Christopher is an advocate of that dangerous brand of bourgeois spirituality, “Professional Buddhism.” He dogmatically tells you the way it really is by manipulating ‘what the Buddha taught' for his own personal end-game. Mooji and Werner meanwhile, the lame offspring of ‘Club Satsang’, seemingly stand in stark contrast. They both looked embarrassed and exasperated, shaking their heads in unison.

But in the Arena of Truth, both sides secretly collude in the same debacle: they are mirror images. In this game of charades and metaphysical one-up-manship, Titmuss hammers out the dessicated litanies of various Buddhist sects who lost themselves in the dark woods of the mind and endless debate, centuries ago. Then there's Mooji and Werner on the opposite end of the scale: “all heart” and "soft-speak". But their partial realizations amount to nothing more than limp "spiritual experiences", also well past their sell-by-date.

They are both the same. Each side only exists for showmanship in a pantomime of past glories for their own vain needs. Christopher remember: an ill fate has always befallen each new claimant to the Buddha’s begging bowl.

Better to let things lie … the Buddha is dead …

Akashic Shakedown ...

2009-01-20T01:00:00.018Z

H.H. Swami Kevinandaji after stealing a ticket for The Akashic Records from the Ganapati Library ...

(New Hardcore Chi-Ting with No added humour!)
"Yo Verily, through my awesome powers of Chi-Ting I can now really dish the dirt on all the scumbags charging money for enlightenment and raping the legacy of the Godfathers of Non-Duality. Long have I witnessed the unquenchable thirst for power, glory and sexual gratification, those fruits of hubris let loose upon the streets of T.V.Malai. Now the Day of Judgement has dawned ..."Jimmy James Swartz, alias RAM, arch-Vedanta bore, enemy of all Neo Advaita window-shoppers and serial adulterer of the year 1972. For too long have we suffered the tedium of your convoluted diatribes and turgid prose on the web and from your pulpit in Usha's restaurant. The Truth will out: Neither do you understand Vedanta nor its bastard progeny Neo-Advaita, you who sell yet another philosophy (greenbacks are your aphrodisiac of choice) while claiming not to be a Guru or wanting our money. Thou art guilty on all counts of hypocrisy ... Soon Chiron will come a-calling. All must pay the ferryman, your account is far overdrawn and the Gods will have their dues ...

Florian Tathagata, Spiritual Businessman of the Month, so seduced by Capitalist wiles you forgot to donate to Seshadri Ashram, then somehow suddenly remembered after the hue and cry! You who are the Circus Master of Self Therapising Performance, encouraging your coterie to flaunt their emotional wounds while feeding upon followers who flounder at your feet. I predict the scales of Thoth will not balance in your favour ... A long-lost devotee will return to stalk you and despoil the rose garden of yours and Julia's conceit ...

Mix'n'match Mark-Hans, now offering 7-day Radical Enlightenment Intensives, as your latest ploy. One-stop salvation ... "Just join this course" ... NO satisfaction guaranteed! Even leeching off of Mooji's satsang will do nothing to fill the void that is your shoddy product: a grab-bag of yoga, satsang, dharma, diksha, discussion etc, randomly assembled to entice any passing fool. (And haven't you been mouthing off 'rather too much,' "Oh Enlightened One", about your visits to a Certain Female Guru begging for a taste of "the real thing"?) Mark-Hans thou art a 'Whore for all seasons' ... The Lords of Karma will expel you from T.V.Malai to the Hell Zone of Gaia's kindergarten satsang, you will endure this purgatory for all eternity ...

And as for Mooji, Madhukar, Pratima, Premananda and the rest of your clan, listen to your teacher Papaji who told David Godman in the book Nothing Ever Happened:

Godman: "You used to give experiences to a lot of people. Why did you do it if you knew that the effect would not be permanent?"

Papaji: "I did it to get rid of the leeches who were sticking to me, never allowing me to rest or be by myself. It was a very good way of getting rid of all these leeches in a polite way. I knew that in doing this I was giving lollipops to the ignorant and innocent but this is what these people wanted. When I tried to give $100 bills to them, they rejected them. They thought that they were just pieces of paper. So I gave them lollipops instead."

Godman: "Many of the people you gave lollipops to left Lucknow thinking that they were enlightened. Does the fact that they accepted the lollipop and left indicate that they were not worthy to receive the $100 bills?"

Papaji: "If one is not a holy person, one is not worthy to receive the real teaching. Many people think that they have attained the final state of full and complete liberation. They have fooled themselves, and they have fooled many other people but they have not fooled me. A person in this state is like a fake coin. It may look like the real thing. It can be passed around and used by ignorant people who use it to buy things with. People who have it in their pocket can boast of having a genuine coin but it is not real. But it has no value. When it is finally discovered to be a fake, the person who is circulating it, claiming that it is real, is subject to the penalties of the law. In the spiritual world, the law of karma catches up and deals with all people who are trafficking in fake experiences. I have never passed on the truth to those whom I could see were fake coins. These people may look like gold and they may glitter like gold, but they have no real value. There are many people who can put on a show and fool other people into believing they are enlightened. Why does hearing the truth only work in a small percentage of cases? The simple answer to that is that only a small percentage of people are interested in the truth."

Godman: "Many people have heard you say, ‘I have not given my final teachings to anyone’. What are these final teachings, and why are you not giving them out?"

Papaji: "Nobody is worthy to receive them. Because it has been my experience that everybody has proved to be arrogant and egotistic … I don’t think anyone is worthy to receive them!"

NUFF SAID, CASE CLOSED!

Sister Klaus ... Agony Aunt ...

2009-01-15T02:13:00.011Z

Sister Klaus is a Transgendered Nun from deepest Bavaria ...

She achieved full Illumination after a particularly arduous session with her alter-ego Kinski, in a Munich Torture chamber. Sister Klaus has a concise no-nonsense approach to life's little problems, especially relevant for the Spiritual Dullards who inhabit T.V.Malai. Chi-ting Apocalypse is greatly honoured that such an esteemed and revered figure has agreed to join our staff as a regular Agony Aunt.

Dear Sister Klaus
I've been having visions recently, probably due to the excessive number of spliffs I consume every day. I'm really freaked out, half of my friends tell me that life is just an illusion and the others tell me to 'Be in the Now'. What should I do? Confused from The Palace of Annihilation.

Dear Confused
This is a very common problem. Simply increase your consumption by 500% in the next 2 days, securely lock your door and place a sign outside saying Do Not Disturb. When you are totally numb you will be able to access the 'imensional portal of 2012 and none of this bullshit will matter anymore!

Dear Sister Klaus
I am blonde, slightly chubby and totally self-obsessed. Did you know I come from the Sirius star system? I was on the Mothership and they kicked me off for talking about myself too much. I've never been allowed back on, so I've been left to roam this dreadful planet for aeons. All the men in Tiru really fancy me, even that Kevinanda has got the hots for me! Should I tell him how I feel?

Dear Dim Blondegirl
Best keep Mum, Kevinanda's organ of reproduction is so vast it would split you in half and even the Mothership would not be able to sew you back together again!

Dear Sister Klaus
I've just been on Mooji's silent retreat and instead of realising the Self I've discovered I'm as horny as hell! Everyone seems to be shagging like crazy, I feel totally inadequate!

Dear Inadequate
When you next go to Tasty Cafe and shoot your mouth off with your pseudo-spiritual friends, try licking someone's earlobe at the precise moment that some jerk is expounding his theory that there is Nothing to Do. This is guaranteed to get everyone in the mood and orgiastic rites will commence without delay. P.S. Make sure your new chums have not been visited by Reiki Shiva first, as this might result in a little journey to the Doctor for a course of antibiotics!

Dear Sister Klaus
I'm a member of Rajneesh's Punatic Horde. I'm very angry and confused at the moment. Kevinandaji has really taken the piss out of my beloved Guru in a very big way! My moronic maroon robes vividly portray my extreme inner turmoil, I'm also American so I'm a bit culturally challenged too! Should I apply for a full frontal lobe Lobotomy or just saw my head off and try again in the next incarnation!

Dear Punatic Fringe Person
The solution to your problem does not need to be so drastic, just keep taking your anti-psychotic medication and stop giving all your monies to that freak who looks like the Anti Christ. Soon you will be filled with an irresistible desire to burn your 'moronic maroon robes' and will be attending Mooji's satsang along with all the other idiots!

Sister Klaus will be returning soon with the solutions to all your intimate dilemmas. If you wish to contact her for a little lederhosen and chains, please send your email to sister.klaus@gmail.com

Rajneesh in German Bakery Bust-up!

2009-01-09T09:35:00.021Z

Professional Punatic and wannabe empire-builder Rajneesh, has been involved in a stand-up screaming match with eccentric American masseur, Ishi. The fracas blew up at the new German bakery on the Bangalore road. As the velocity of the abuse increased, Rajneesh told Ishi to: "Fuck off back to America!" and threatened to have him deported if he would not voluntarily vacate the country! And finally, as things really started to boil over, he told Ishi he would use his occult powers against him (Rajneesh is Mr Black Magic himself, a veritable devil in disguise!)

"Very enlightened behaviour indeed", Rajneesh. You are a role model for all budding 2-year olds who throw temper tantrums due to excessive incontinence! We salute Ishi, who did not buckle against a Punatic horde of 20 idiots dressed in maroon, stood firm and gave the egocentric creep a stoical "Fuck off and die!" It's not exactly Leonidas and the Spartans at Thermopylae but by Tiru standards, it ranks as a heavyweight championship performance.

Ishi, you are now Chi-ting Devotee of the Highest Order and if you would like to send your version of the fisticuffs, email us at kevinanda@gmail.com

And as for Rajneesh ... Return to the sewer in Pune from whence you came and never darken the sunny horizons of T.V.Malai again!

Cult of the Tooth Fairy

2009-01-09T01:00:00.008Z

Toothy Pratima Sephton ...

Yet another of the elite detritus that washed up on the beach (in Bali) after her Lucknow days with Papaji. Pratima claims that Papaji told her to give satsang in 1993 and thus her status as a spiritual teacher was authorised from on high! Did he sanction her international crusade or did he just ask her to give satsang the next day because he was knackered and bored with all the wasted dross from Osho? Either way she greedily gobbled up the opportunity, never understanding the fallacy of setting up spiritual shop and Papaji's little joke on her. Her subsequent "career" has gone forward in fits and starts much like the menopausal machinations of a woman who has truly lost it ... paranoia, secrecy, no website, no recent images etc ...

Rumour was that she had ceased giving satsang and then last year like a bad apple rising to the top of the tub, Pratima magically reappeared with special added Kalki Deeksha. And this is where it all gets very weird and dangerous. Kalki has been running a notorious enlightenment scam (or is it just an Amway pyramid scheme?) at his so-called Oneness University in Andhra Pradesh that costs (take a deep breath) 8000 US dollars. This is just an expensive nouveau form of Reiki for post-modern morons and frustrated therapists who are trying to beef up their spiritual credentials! So now Pratima has set herself up in the guise of a Worldwide Oneness Coordinator, recruiting innocent and needy souls for Kalki's insatiable Golden Temple project and other investment opportunities.

If Pratima truly realized the Self in the presence of Papaji and there is nothing to do and no doer, why is she hanging out with Kalki trying to save the world and enlighten everyone for 2012? (We could ask Isaac Shapiro the same question!) We are now in the realms of a very confused dialectical Frankenstein of sublimated End Time religiosity, with fresh body parts of Advaita stitched on!

In the last few weeks Ms Tooth Fairy has been hanging around with the likes of T.V.Malai's nerdy Roof Top Gang. These aged Armchair Enlightenment Enthusiasts proclaim their advanced state of awakening while seeking the blood of young fluffy consorts on which they feed energetically and sexually, in a vampiric Bonfire of the Vanities. Do not be seduced by this cabal of decayed spiritual ego, masquerading as a Gateway to the Promised Land ...

Ms Tooth Fairy and her elite gang are selling fantasies which will turn to dust when your wallet has drained away. Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it, in the neck!

Satsang Crime Commission Presents ...

2009-01-08T04:22:00.035Z

Rajneesh ... A Walk on the Wild side!

"Be careful boys you might get molested by the 3 Bears if you go too far into the woods today, remember what they did to Goldilocks!"

Pune wannabe clone Rajneesh (full marks for originality with the name!) has arrived in town to give full moon satsang on the 10th and 11th of Jan. He asks the question Who Am I, err possibly Fu Manchu, Ming the Merciless or just some moron from Planet Pune, who shaves his eyebrows so he can do lots of pervy things in the name of Tantra!

"Rajneesh, you have been convicted of the serious crime of Punacy, the sentence of the Satsang Crime Commission is an eternity in Maya as a sex slave of that notoriously Priapic German Guru Madhukar. You will be taken from this courtroom in chains to an obscure dungeon in deepest Austria, where you will fulfil your new master's darkest fantasies in degrading and degenerate ways. Case dismissed!"

Presiding Judge Jeffreys ... err shome mishtake here isn't it err Judge Kevinanda, err too much Gin for breakfast again! ...

Gaia ... The Return

2009-01-05T02:16:00.013Z

Oafish Uber Mensch Gaia, is set to return to Tiruvannamalai in early Feb. He has even sent us a Love letter ... or is it a veiled threat! Informing us of his imminent arrival with his delightful Girlfriend ... who has apparently had a complete personality refit at a top German clinic after her last visit here! Using a refined form of Transylvanian-English not used since the time of Vlad the Impaler, he announces himself thus ...

"Hi Keninanda ... !!!?
In reading the article of the one who knows what Tiru wants and needs and how it has to be there and the comment of Sunanda, I can see that at least you 2 haven't been in any Satsang or haven't got the message. But you have many chances, also for writing gossips out of your real experience and not from your second hand information. My bitch and me ignorant snarler [he must really luv her in a bestial Hunnish way!] Will be again in Tiru for Satsang at 7th of february 2009. I am looking forward to really meeting you. May I send some of my colour pamphlets for your favorite places? We go now for ice skating ..."

If you wish to read his full letter which includes the untranslated German stuff, please go to the Comments section under the article Gaia ... Wannabe Wang-kar of the month. We await the arrival of more culturally challenged missives from Gaia, which we promise to post immediately ...

In Memoriam 2008

2009-01-01T01:00:00.006Z

England 4 Croatia 1: Chi-Ting Devotees celebrate!

Chi-ting Devotees had much to cheer about in 2008. First came the collapse of the world stock market and the ensuing Crisis of Capitalism. Then the news broke in October that Karl Renz was not giving satsang in Tiruvannamalai this year (well, not officially but his recent activities at Usha's restaurant are highly dubious to say the least and just go to prove what a Chi-Ting little runt he is!) And just when it couldn't get any better came the undoubted highlight of the year: England's demolition of Croatia in Zagreb, as these lads will joyously testify!

Breaking News: Karl Renz will now be giving satsang from Jan 1st for one week, any Devotees who wish to make use of our encyclopedic knowledge of the Anarchists' Cookbook, please contact us at kevinanda@gmail.com

Let's give Karl a New Year's Bang he won't ever forget!

Thus Sprecht David Godman

2008-12-27T13:40:00.017Z

The Right Honourable David Godman, Divinely Appointed scribe to the Enlightened, Order of the Magi and Initiate of the Illuminati secret society to control the world (Sparsa Hotel, T.V.Malai) Codename: FUCKWIT ...

"It is with a vague sense of distaste and distemper that one has noticed the encroachment of members of the lower orders into the sacred sanctuary of Tiruvannamalai. These proletarian scavengers must be sent packing at the first available opportunity. The most repellent of these arriviste wannabes derive from the unfortunate car crash of Rajneesh/Osho groupies who arrived en masse at Papaji's door in the early 90s. As the great man said to me in my Magnum Opus Nothing Ever Happened (Book 2 page 975 in the chapter entitled Whole Lotta Nothing!): "None of these morons has got what it takes!" and one heartily agrees with this concise synopsis! In my distinguished opinion the worst example of this trend is Mooji, that Rastafarian with the large girth and the Linford lunchbox(he must be packing and I don't mean candy!) He has imported a wave of Goan heathens who cannot even tie their own shoelaces, even if they miraculously owned a proper pair of shoes! Fortunately this ersatz Jamaican Jesus and his drugged-up sidekick Reiki Shiva have arranged for their cretinous followers to remain in silence, while Shiva picks their pockets in search of debit cards, after a furtive evening's debauch (or is it a confused and sweaty search for Truth!)

One has also noticed the exorbitant increase in prices at the Rip Off Supermarket, especially the products from those dreadful Frogs and their international gang of pseudo-intellectuals from Auro-vile. Not content with expounding their pathetic evolutionary ideology, they are now flogging overpriced groceries!

Further, it has been reported that local heroine and icon of moral rejuvenation Sunanda Whitehouse has been seen at a seasonal event, held at the House of the Red Mooncup, writhing on the floor and speaking in tongues after a slightly excessive dosage of Soma. Sunanda will now be taking up residence as the new Delphic oraclein the subterranean chambers beneath the Manna Cafe. Prophecies and Darshan will be given at 4pm daily!

In conclusion, I have decided not to grace Ramana Nagar with my presence, while these dreadful proles are in evidence. One is left pining away in my luxury lakeside villa (though one still remains a simple sadhu at heart!) with my musty old library and the pungent memory of past glories, Waiting for Godot to enter stage left! But as a consolation to the masses, I will arrive resplendent with a truckload of my populist tome Be as you are, which will be given away gratis to those capable of reading! One endures, one is profoundly stoical, amidst this social cataclysm!

Let us not forget that the Ancients warned us: in the end times of the Kali Yuga two-a-penny street prophets and their slavish acolytes will be drawn to the Sacred Tabernacle of Truth that is Tiruvannamalai! etc etc ..."

The Mass of Mithras

2008-12-19T04:10:00.008Z

A seasonal expose of the biggest Chi-ting cult of them all: Christianity!

This piece is dedicated to all the teenage Born Agains, who congregate around the Quo Vadis (wasn't that a bad Victor Mature movie from the 50s?) Interfaith Centre, where they sell the most expensive chapatis and dosas in all the world!

Was there a Jesus Christ? Probably not, pretty much all evidence was destroyed by Vespasian's son Titus when he sacked Jerusalem in AD70. The only source from the time is Josephus' The Jewish War and the bit about Jesus is a blatant Byzantine insert from the late 4th century AD. There is a document called the Toledot Yeshu, from the 2nd century AD, which talks about a Yeshua ben Pantera who it claims was the bastard son of a temple prostitute and a Greek mercenary in the Roman army called Panther. So if there was a Jesus he was probably the spawn of a hooker and a good-time boy on the piss ... So much for the virgin birth!

The gospels are stitched together for the first time in the late 2nd century AD (during the reign of Marcus Aurelius and then his mad son Commodus) by Ireneaus of Lyon as part of his propaganda war against the Gnostics. Basically these texts are edited and re-arranged by seriously demented old men who are into boy fucking and really hate women! The grumpiest of them all being Tertullian, "I will receive my reward in heaven (fondling cherubs no doubt!) while you sinners will burn in hell etc etc!" Origen of Alexandria even went as far as cutting his bollocks off, so he wouldn't be tempted by sins of the flesh!

What seems to have emerged is a confused synthesis of various dying-resurrecting Gods from the ancient world i.e. Osiris, Horus, Tammuz, Dionysus, Mithra etc ... Then it all gets a brutal re-write when a very ambitious young warlord called Constantine manages to murder his opponents and gain ascendancy in Rome. So he needs a suitable tool to unify his fractious empire and the logic of 1 God, 1 Emperor, 1 Empire serves his ends. Unfortunately Christianity attaches itself like a fatal parasite to the Empire and only 80 years after Constantine's death, Rome is sacked by the Goths followed by a succession of Barbarians over the next 60 years. The Western Empire crumbles into the dark ages, but the Catholic church emerges as the dominant force in Europe and they give us 1000 years of darkness until the Renaissance and the Reformation break their monopoly of power and knowledge. The historian Edward Gibbon in Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, blamed Christianity for the fall of a higher civilisation and a lost millennium and we agree! What has the Church given to the world apart from Simony, Sodomy and rampant Nepotism? Well, bugger all except maybe the inquisition, mass witch burning and collective madness on an unprecedented scale! The writer Gore Vidal has said that "the adoption of Christian monotheism was the biggest disaster the Western world ever made, a mistake that we have still to recover from!"

Now that we have crawled into the first decade of a new millennium let's consign Christianity to the garbage heap of history and make that ex-Hitler youth Pope Ratzinger an unemployable old Nazi, while we sell his ermine and gold to the poor!

If you really want a laugh we recommend Gore Vidal's Live from Golgotha. It starts with Saint Paul in the sack with Saint Timmy and then gets really deviant!

If you like dry factual stuff (the type of personality profile that enjoys rubbing coarse sandpaper against your genitals until they bleed Thomas à Becket stylie!) we recommend Elaine Pagels' The Gnostic Gospels and The Origins of Satan ...

Is Sunanda the new Mary Whitehouse?

2008-12-17T07:44:00.019Z

Innocent old lady or Harpy from Hell?

This is the burning question that is igniting the chai shops of Tiruvannamalai. Singlehandedly she has organised a Militia of Grumpy Grannies who are Outraged and Disgusted by Chi-Ting Apocalypse. These decrepit vigilantes were last seen stalking Usha's restaurant and the Manna cafe chanting their mantra and battle cry of Bring me the head of Kevinanda! ... They will stop at nothing to emasculate our much loved organ of literary procreation, this wondrous blog! We say to Chi-Ting devotees from all over the globe, Defend this blog with all your might, before these senile delinquents erase us from the mainframe of Advaitic reality!

Here is an example of Sunanda's work that we rescued from our comments section. Be warned beneath her benign exterior, this woman is truly dangerous! ...

"I am outraged and disgusted by the cheap and nasty way that you take the piss out of that sh#t-shovelling f#ggot Mark-Hans. (We decided to slightly edit this section of her diatribe, as we were 'Shocked and Dismayed' by the offensive nature of her assault upon a member of a sexual minority! We suspect Sunanda had been at the Gin and Sherry again, like most Moral Outrage Figures Sunanda is a bit of a lush on the sly!) ... The poor man needs to be institutionalised in a kind and caring Catholic mission, where Nuns can attach electrodes to his genitals and he can be given loving electro-therapy until he repents of his rancid perversions. Your disgusting satires make it much harder to save this lost soul from his cycle of egotistical debauchery! Kevinanda you are a psychologically challenged maggot and will be dealt with accordingly!"

Sunanda, The Catholic Mission of the Warped Angels of Mercy, Quo Vadis Interfaith Centre, Tiruvannamalai

The News from T.V.Malai

2008-12-10T07:38:00.010Z

Presented by Satsang Barbie Anchorwoman

"Here is the news from T.V.Malai: the moral police have informed us of a grave and sinister threat to the public good. Same Sex Specialist Mark-Hans has been harassing young men with shoulder massages and promises of Tantric Diksha.His poster is trying to sell Perfect Pitch but he wants you to be thePerfect Bitch and we can guarantee you'll be howling like a dog if he ever gives you a good drilling! Sick of being Home Alone with his rooftop sound system and absolutely no visitors (apart from the crippled beggar he seduced with his large wallet!), he will do anything (and we really mean anything!) to get you to attend his satsang. Once he tells you his name (because you won't have a clue who the fuck he is!) he will start to froth at the mouth since you will be giving him your precious attention and then it will be time to get down and dirty. So young men of Tiruvannamalai preserve your chastity and when you bow down before the divine, make sure Mark-Hans is not lurking behind! ...

Other News ...

The Fuhrer of Neo Advaita Karl Renz has taken up residence at Usha's restaurant pretending that he is not giving meetings this year. We think same bullshit, different location! The fawning crowds come to pay homage to the poor man's UG Krishnamurti and are usually greeted with his trademark benediction of Bavarian sarcasm (he's even worse than us!), while he slurps coffee and strokes a fluffy white cat in true Blofeld Bond villain style. Percy Bryce Dodgybollox (Poet Laureate of Tiru and Renz-ite sycophant) has been seen giving oral supplication on the Fuhrer's thorny member and has even gone a far as having cosmetic surgery on his front lip for a better fit! This kind of deviant devotion is to be discouraged as a social menace and is yet another crass example of Neo Advaitin Mind Fuck Soup, which is as indigestible as it is banal!

And finally ...

Transgendered Alien Russian Junkie Swami Dharma Sumiran, has been escorting brain damaged housewives from St Petersburg around supposedly spiritually charged sites in Tiruvannamalai, complete with television crew and lights! His posters and website are all in Cyrillic Russian script and are like crop circles: only decipherable to higher intelligences from Outer Centauri. Like the Pied Piper of Hamelin weaving his merry way to ascended vistas of consciousness, Swami Dharma Sumiran has magically disappeared and will emerge sometime next year with more willing sacrificial victims!" ...

Baba Bob memorial edition

2008-12-03T10:26:00.011Z

Robert Broughton we been missing you,

You and your Machiavellian ways!

FAILED Actor, FAILED Monk, FAILED Satsang teacher, FAILED Real Estate Operator, FAILED Sexual Abuser (Even his attempted rape of Satsang Barbie alias Miranda went out like a damp squib 3 years ago. Miranda had been thrown out of her 5-star Hotel for the night. So Robert nobly invited her to stay for the night. We know what followed, Yo Ho Ho Baby! She claims she didn't succumb, but the jury is still out on that one!) Yes, Robert has failed at everything, he is King Midas in reverse, it all turns to shit in his hands. Does this recurring theme of failure stop Robert or even dent his ego? No, he bounces back like the all-purpose bully he is. But maybe this year he has taken one or two blows too many to his self esteem, for Robert has forsaken Tiruvannamalai for the under-age fleshpots of Brazil! Of course we are gutted that we can't blow him out of the water here, but thanks to the wonders of the Internet our abusive missive should reach him in some shanty town bordello - and we know Bob - it will be a very cheap nasty place. Oh the horror, the horror! ...

Once upon a time everything was nice and shiny for Robert. He got bit parts in tacky B movies, even playing a murderous rapist who seeks redemption in the afterlife (Is there a moral in this or is life stranger than fiction?) And best of all he ran the LA franchise for Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now scam, so Bob had a limitless supply of Blonde Bimbos he could do pervy things to and boy did he go for it! But then came the dreadful day when some of his victims started to complain about this sweaty fat bald bloke whose mantra was Suck it and Be in the Now! So Robert got the sack because Eckhart is a friendly fluffy non-threatening nice veggie type, even though he is a very greedy little runt. So Bob had no more blondes on tap and suddenly he was persona non grata in LA. Then he flew to Tiruvannamalai in search of new victims. Unfortunately he had just arrived as Mooji mania first hit town. Robert didn't have dreadlocks, didn't have charm or any redeeming feature, so no-one was interested. He was reduced to one very young German boy as his devotee (well, needs must) and Robert found that necessity is the mother of invention and decided that as long as he was on top, it didn't matter what he fucked (a very Roman moral code!) Bob was so pissed off with this turn of events that he tried a Black Magic smear campaign against Mooji ... But as it was patently obvious to everyone that Mooji is Afro-Caribbean in origin and the only magic involved was his Barry White "Come and roll with the Walrus of Lurv etc etc", yet again Robert failed and retired to the Satya Cafe to scheme away again. He even bought them a cow but it was to no avail as Mooji's mob moved in and kicked out Bob and his catamite, who were left to sulk in their house across the road. Poor ol' Baba Bob, he doesn't even make the grade as a proper villain but hell he sure does try! Come on home Robert, we forgive you. We know you're naff, pompous and very nasty, but we totally accept you as you are! Tiru needs a cartoon bad guy to laugh at and you are truly the Dick Dastardly of Advaitic self help therapy!

Thought for the week: In our perfect world Robert and Miranda would get married and become the Ken and Barbie of satsang. Then Miranda would really get her chance to be a desperate housewife! Imagine their non-dual speak: "I am not the mind or the body, so fuck off and die Ken!" We can hear the sound of smashing crockery like a concerto of Truth!

Classic Chi-Ting moment

2008-12-03T07:52:00.013Z

We have been informed that the dreadful Florian Tathagata is back in town. In our opinion there is nothing more revolting than a German war criminal pretending to be a well adjusted fluffy type (Radovan Karadzic's new age Odyssey springs to mind!) At least Karl Renz is a proper bastard with no pretence of niceness! So as we can't be bothered to waste anymore of our precious bile on this reprobate, we bring you a classic Chi-Ting moment from our archives. Enjoy ...

Fat Boy Slim Funks it up ...

2008-11-23T10:39:00.009Z

As the worldwide plague of obesity reaches epidemic proportions, Fat Boy Slim (alias Arunachala Ramana of AHAM) has proved himself to be the harbinger of things to come, the evolutionary missing link, the veritable Avatar of Gluttony!

Fatty has been abiding in the Self since 1973, also in the kitchen, pantry and any fast food outlets in the area ... Anywhere he can get his hands on nosh and lots of it to shove down his fat gullet. His illumination came about while asking the immortal question: Who am I? Instantly the answer came from on high: "Verily thou art a very greedy Bastard from Texas!" From this epiphany the AHAM Ashram was born, basically as a means of securing a consistent food supply for Fattie's voracious appetite ... and for this huge undertaking lots of gullible punters were needed to finance the whole scam. To this end Evangelical Nazi woman Elizabeth was appointed to keep away any smart asses who might take the piss and also to keep the eatables flowing, while Fatty got on with the serious business of stuffing himself with lots of grub!

AHAM REGISTRATION FORM

Question:

DO YOU MAKE FUN OF FAT PEOPLE ?

Answer:

A) All the time!

B) Not often!

C) I'm a bit porky myself!

D) I like being dominated by a power-crazed psycho sister, please give me dog food!

If you have answered A or B you will be instantly ejected from the building and rabid dogs will be loosed on you until you are a viscous red stain in the dirt, even your offal will be consumed! If you have answered C you will be held in a cell for further evaluation. If you have answered D you will instantly be initiated into the cult of AHAM, please get your credit and debit cards ready!

AHAM means ASSOCIATION OF HAPPINESS FOR ALL MANKIND! Excuse me while the Egyptian Mortician pulls my brains out through my nostrils with a hooked needle (SLUUUUURP!)

"Ah that feels much better, I BELIEVE!"

Gaia ... Wannabe Wang-kar of the month

2008-11-16T17:36:00.015Z

(Click on the picture for extra thrills!)

This month's award winner and recipient of our ire and vitriol, is Gaia (yes he's a bloke and German too!) and not forgetting his dreadful girlfriend, an evil variation on the Deutsche ice maiden theme. Gaia's lineage descends from short-ass troll Isaac Shapiro (who is actually more famous for beating up his ex-wife's lover in Lucknow than his so called spiritual teaching. Last time Shapiro was in Tiru 3 years ago, he got an invite to see Kalki and became a Deeksha junkie and has never been back since).

We don't know anyone who has actually been to Gaia's satsang but he's put a lot of colour posters up and has stacked up lots of pamphlets which look lonely and forlorn in Internet cafe entrances. His girlfriend is a real deal Uber bitch who wears her attitude like a strap-on at a dyke's orgy and that's when she's being nice! She must have been spawned from the same Alien pod that Benita and Katrina Von Sass slimed out from (they're the 2 spoilt harridans who turned John deRuiter into such a polygamous figure of fun!) His retreats look like a barrel of laughs too as punters can and I quote: "Deeply give your attention to ESSENCE for a few days, this is supported by ESSENCIAL healing (is this a German pun?) and Feldenkrais! Retreats take place in specially chosen seminar houses with WEALTHY food and nice atmosphere!" We suspect this means that Madam will have ethnically cleansed all the smelly poor people in the vicinity, using their bones as fertiliser for her rather splendid flower arrangements!

Gaia please, we have enough idiots selling bullshit in Tiru already. There is no job vacancy ... Do us all a favour and bugger off back to the Fatherland and take your harpy with you too!

Satsang Barbie

2008-11-16T17:24:00.015Z

Dear Friends, Luvvies, Darlings and most importantly sponsors!

It is with a profound feeling of my sacred mission that I feel empowered to spread my gospel of Love, Light and Unlimited Shopping. Unfortunately those slobs from the bank have lowered my credit limit. Now people it is with a sense of true humility and unconditional acceptance that I say "Get your act together and gimme some money you cheap bastards!" Let me explain the natural order of things and your place in the food chain. I am blonde, very gorgeous and have an insatiable need to spend money on ME! ME! ME! Your place in the universe is to give sustenance to my retail therapy addiction, while I spout a few spiritual platitudes and give you 30 seconds of my precious attention. As an extra incentive I will be dressed in a shimmering sari (I do so love to be ethnic!) with see-through qualities, so when the light is right you lucky boys will be able to see my perfectly formed pubis and vulva ... So empty your wallets NOW! You know it's worth it!

SATSANG BARBIE, Chairwoman of the Interfaith Ministry of ME, formerly Miranda Macpherson, formerly Miranda Holden, formerly Glenda Slag etc etc, One Loses Count of One's Divorces!

Satsang Barbie has just joined our editorial staff. She will be revealing her deepest and most profound thoughts in regular articles for Chi-ting Apocalypse ...

Radha Ma and the Temple of Isis

2008-11-16T17:20:00.015Z

A New Adventure by Enid Blyton and the Famous Five

"Oh look at that!" said the bossy girl with the hairy thighs. "That must be a temple to the Egyptian Mother Goddess Isis. Do you think this level of conspicuous consumption sets a good example to the serfs and peasants, because they are very prone to scamming and are no longer the lovable lowborns of yore, who we used to wave at in such a patronising manner?"

The rather dense looking boy with the caved-in head (for it is Percy Bryce Dodgybollox future poet laureate of Tiruvannamalai) looked up and spoke: "A rich American devotee of Radha Ma has built this wondrous temple as a monument to Sado-Masochism, whips and KY jelly. Do you think if I climbed over the wall I could become a sex slave and develop a life-long addiction to kinky sex and general perversion?"

"Oh you stupid boy," said the bossy girl (who later became a Pune Uber therapist called Ma Prem and then did 2 years in the slammer when the Oregon scam went tit over ass!) "If you go in there they will perform the dismemberment of Osiris and chop you into 7 pieces and throw your fleshy worm to the fishes!"

"Oh I don't like the sound of that," said a very pale Percy.

She continued: "I heard of a boy who wandered in there and that wicked witch Radha Ma turned him into gingerbread and ate him at one of their monstrous rites."

"Oh that's horrible," said Percy as a yellow dribble of fluid ran down his inner thigh. "But once upon a time wasn't Radha Ma a good person? I even heard that she was going into business with that great Chi-Ting Master Kevinandaji. They were planning to open Tiruvannamalai's first LapTop dancing and Casino complex, which was going to be called The Funky Time Emporium. Can you imagine how much fun we could have had, after a hard day's tapas, a little drinking, debauchery and gambling for light relief in the evening. Everyone was gutted when the plans were shelved, but Radha Ma had been seduced by Illuminati agents from the Sparsa hotel across the road and had turned to the dark side of the force just like Darth Vader." (Who is actually her Uncle and takes a keen interest in her progress!) "Let's get out of here, it's creepy," said Percy who was still discomfited by a damp sensation in the groin region.

So with a look of trepidation and fear, the children continued down Guru street occasionally stepping on limbless beggars, who were left wailing and writhing in the dust. Suddenly they arrived at Fat Boy Slim's Burger Bar (for this joint belongs to the obese Texan, Arunachala Ramana and had just had a hip makeover). Percy noticed a big sign saying: Free Burgers for New Devotees! ... "Oh let's go in here as I feel a bit peckish and could do with a bit of sacred cow in a bun."

The bossy girl eyed the pesky youngster with contempt and said: "If you go in there we will curse you never to return to Enid's 1950s' world and you will spend lifetimes seeking That which is prior ... Even sucking Karl Renz's thorny cock will not give you absolution!"

"I don't care," said plucky Percy and went into the burger bar and was never seen again. Suddenly the Famous Five were now only four!

Percy Bryce Dodgybollox's Poetic Magnum Opus, the charmingly entitled Taking the Piss Before I Die, is available from the Rip Off Supermarket underneath the incense.

Chi-Ting: The Movie

2008-11-09T14:44:00.017Z

As the end times approach, His Most Righteous Holiness Sri Sri Swami Kevinanda has manifested a true miracle to fight the forces of darkness. Be shocked and awed by the news that earth has been invaded by a reptilian race of Satsang Gurus, whose secret agenda is to take over the world and enslave humanity. But all is not lost, a Hero has risen to fight these slimy lizards.

Now watch on ...

David Icke comes to town!

2008-11-09T09:05:00.020Z

NEWS FLASH: Our deep cover agent inside the Ramana ashram, has just informed us that famed Illuminati conspiracy theorist David Icke has been seen patrolling Ramana's samadhi in the main hall. He even brought his own deck chair to relax in the meditation room. Is he looking for shape-shifting Reptilians there? The plot thickens with the news that Mother Meera is giving darshan in Tiru this coming Thursday evening. Is she a little scaly beneath her sari? Is the Witchfinder General Mr Icke on her case? All will be revealed in the next exciting episode of Chi-Ting Apocalypse ...

Roman Orgy World

2008-11-06T09:05:00.009Z

It is rumoured on the grapevine that Redneck Rudi, the infamous lackey of Lurv in Supremo Tony Tubby Moo (alias Mooji) has been preparing Nanna Garu ashram for Mooji's triumphal return to Tiru.

Tony's faithful gang, Brixton's finest The Cocaine Consciousness Crew, are also set to be in residence and the ashram will undergo a makeover becoming Roman Orgy World in time for the silent retreat. Rudi has been employing a team of trained artists to paint lurid frescoes of debauched nymphs and cherubs, just to get the team in the mood. Reiki Shiva is also planning to improve on last years body count of 5 at a time, which he considered an insignificant score considering the grope-able talent on show. Pep pills and nose powder will also be freely available for anyone whose stamina starts to flag in the midst of the Dionysian festivities. A Vomitorium will be decked out in psychedelic purple Lycra just to give the bile and carrots a helping hand.

And finally as a special treat for the glorious leader, a hospital room with a funky automated massage bed has been added. A team of Latino nurses dressed in white mini skirts, suspenders and kinky hats will be on hand to mop Tony's sweating brow.

ALL HAIL THE MESSIAH OF THE COMING AGE!

Death Threats

2008-11-04T05:50:00.008Z

It's been reported to us that death threats were consistently made by a Radha Ma devotee about the original Chi-ting website ... Now this is probably just hot air and macho posturing ... but to even contemplate murder in defence of shall we call it Truth or Love is a very scary medieval mindset, more commonly seen in Iraq or Afghanistan rather than the streets of Tiru. The person in question has replaced a 20 year addiction to a chemical substance i.e. Heroin, with an unhealthy co-dependency with a supposedly divine being i.e. Radha. Quite how threatening to exterminate the writers of this blog fits into this confused religious drama we haven't quite worked out yet. But please, if any readers have an excess of testosterone and self righteous indignation, please go to the Holy Land and kill infidels or reform the Spanish inquisition and do silly things with whips ... We guarantee you will feel much better after this bout of therapy!

Anyone with a modicum of intelligence and a reasonable grasp of English can see that this blog is just spoof satire. We are not sacrificing babies and if a few overinflated egos get punctured en route so what! That is the price of seeking power and dominion over others! All the Gurus and teachers that we take the mickey out of, all make very comfortable livings in one way or another out of supposedly giving spiritual guidance and that makes them fair game. They have taken the golden Dollar and put themselves on an altar above mere mortals and we feel free to offer them a reality check. If you don't like it, DON'T READ IT. It's very simple.

After the last website was published we received an Advaita Fatwa from that manic Master of the Universe Madhukar, who sentenced us to 86 million rebirths with no chance of the redemption of Nirvana. We sent him a polite reply asking if we could take a big book as this was rather a long time! We got no response, which just goes to show that Madhukar is truly MING the MERCILESS, tyrant of the cosmos, a being beyond compassion and with his track record of sexual abuse, it's not surprising!

Jacqueline Does Oprah

2008-11-02T10:34:00.014Z

NEWS FLASH: Our undercover agent has just reported that local literary luminary Jacqueline Maria Longstaff (see full details in October's book review) is set to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Will this be the start of Global acclaim und Geldt for our Jacqueline, whose quaint concept of a cosmic airport is set to explode across the worlds consciousness (A place where women can give birth and a place for people to die! Urrr sounds like a fluffy paradise for the confused over 50s!) Will she follow the example of Angelology expert Doreen Virtue and make a donations-funded tour of all the plastic surgeons in the San Fran Bay area. We await events with baited breath!

Book Review of the Month

2008-10-30T11:47:00.007Z

Well here in Planet Tiru the monsoon seems to have finally come and everyone has fever or flu, fortunately the 5-6 hour/day power cuts seem to have stopped. So at least we can be sick in relative comfort and catch up on some reading and what a gem of a book I discovered.

The Last Waltz by Jacqueline Marie Longstaff of the Singing Heart ashram, a couple of miles past Rangammal Hospital on the Bangalore road.

First published in 2004 this has become a classic of its genre, a spiritual Listen with Mother for those with cerebral palsy. It's appallingly written, with trite kindergarten jokes at the end of every chapter for extra laughter therapy! Most of the content is unashamedly lifted from David Icke, who she lavishes praise on in a sycophantic frenzy. You've guessed it: Lizards, the Illuminati, mind control sex slaves and Manchurian candidates etc, etc. But worst of all, a sinister plot by the Teletubbies to brainwash toddlers, before they even have a chance to be really stupid. Another one of her sparks of genius, is for sexual deviants to have A SPANK HOLIDAY MONDAY (No I'm not making it up!) So every Monday there would be a phalanx of bare backsides exposed ready to be whipped, impaled or whatever. This would obviously rectify all sexual and psychological guilt and we would all be happy brainwashed bunnies. (Would it stop the rapist en route to the Skanda ashram?) ...

You can guess here, background Pune late 70s, lots of confrontation groups and therapy and then a trawl through the detritus of the New Age (Barbara Marciniak, Pleiadians etc etc), before meeting her soulmate Mr Icke ... The funny thing is that she claims to distrust the New Age movement as stooges for those naughty Illuminati ... I do find it amazing how people like Jacqueline Longstaff swallow fear-based conspiracy theories, which are deeply dualist by nature and then attempt some surreal shotgun marriage with non-dualist Advaita. It's a dialectical Frankenstein of epic proportions and takes a very confused mind to reconcile its inherent nonsense ...

I have to admit Ms Longstaff is a real trooper (of the Space Cadet kind!) and I haven't pissed myself laughing like this for a long time, but god help those poor fools who give her money for spiritual guidance. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and with her help it would get very, very scary!

The Auro-Vile Cook Book

2008-10-23T10:03:00.012+01:00

THE AURO-VILE LEAGUE OF EXPLOITATION PRESENTS ... THE AURO-VILE COOK BOOK

MIX TOGETHER:
1) TAMIL SLAVE LABOUR
2) FRENCH PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL WANKERS
3) A LITTLE DOCTRINAIRE EVOLUTIONARY BULLSHIT
4) EXTORTIONATE PRICES
WHIP TO A FRENZY IN A BLENDER ...

THE RESULT: EXPLOITATIVE CAPITALISM FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM. ET VOILA, NATURELLEMENT!

Death By Real Estate

2008-10-23T09:56:00.017+01:00

The Real Estate feeding frenzy has reached a crescendo. The area behind Yogi Ramsuratkumar's ashram has been turned into a neo-Disneyland of garish, psychedelic houses (extreme pink and purple seem to be the colours of choice!) Plots of land in the outlying areas around Ramana Nagar are being sold at virtually New York rates ... How long will this continue? Before the bubble bursts and the whole things implodes into a bad acid wasteland populated by sadhus from hell! Unlike the housing boom in the West which was fuelled by credit from the banks, Tiruvannamalai seems to be a vortex of black market monies. But this house of cards is dependent on more and more tourists renting property yearly - and with recession in the West and more visa restrictions will it continue?

The basic facts are that as more and more houses are built with bore wells as the only source of water, the water table drops to unsustainable levels. Local farmers have stopped growing rice and other produce and now just sell plots of land for development. But what happens when there is no more land left to sell and all the money has been spent on consumer goodies? We are looking at an ecological and social collapse of unprecedented proportions ... And while all of this madness is going on we have Radha Ma devotees building pseudo-Egyptian temples which cost vast sums of money, all in the pursuit of self-indulgent vanity and ostentation. There must be a parable in this because it's all going to come on top big time ...

Chi-Ting Master ...

2008-10-23T09:29:00.017+01:00

Biography

Born in the Nottinghamshire village of Little Pissup on the Trent in 1959. His Father Bert was a bit soft in the head and Mother Ada addicted to tranquilisers and gin, so little Kevinandaji grew up in a deeply deprived environment and was often seen sucking lumps of coal as sweets were not available in this austere upbringing. Kevinanda first made his mark on the world when as a child prodigy at the age of 7 he discovered pyromania and burnt down his local primary school to celebrate England's football victory over Germany in 1966. Despite a childhood filled with petty larceny, arson and random violence, Kevinandaji retained a warm and loving personality with his heart warming catch phrase, "Give us some money yer fucken hippy cunt!" As the 1970s dawned and cultural nihilism became the norm, Kevinanda had his first epiphany while watching Stanley Kubrick's Clockwork Orange and was often seen employing an ultra violent version of Singing in the Rain on unfortunate drunks in the local underpass ... Kevinanda's first brush with fame came as a roadie and narcotic supplier for proto punk band S & M GANG BANG, whose anthem "Cheese grater it up" was the cause of self-mutilation across the UK ...

By the late 70s and early 80s Kevinanda had graduated to the new frontier of credit card fraud and rampant binges of shoplifting to feed his monstrous drug habit. Finally in 1985 Mr Plod in the form of Law and order sentenced Kevinanda to 5 years in Pentonville Jail ... After some extreme psychotic fits he was transferred to the Broadmoor Secure Unit for the criminally insane, where he made lifelong friends with The Kray twins and Myra Hindley who became his surrogate aunty ... During a period in solitary confinement Kevinandaji had his first experience of samadhi and realised the oneness of all and metamorphosised into the all loving Apostle of Chi-ting ...

After his release from confinement Kevinandaji toured the world but found his gospel fell on deaf ears, until finally he arrived in Tiruvannamalai in the late 90s ... And the rest is history!

The Second Cuming of Kevinanda

2008-10-22T08:22:00.022+01:00

GURU GOSSIP & CULTURAL CATACLYSM ...
From Tiruvannamalai, South India

As we enter the End Times, His Holiness Sri Sri Swami Kevinandaji has arisen from his narcotic slumber deep in the bowels of the sacred mountain. His purpose to lead his legion of the damned, the lame, the holt and the thoroughly corrupt to the land of milk and honey, while the guru loving hordes are dispatched to a purgatory of infinite torture. They will be tied down and made to listen to the inane satsangs of Karl Renz and Mooji simultaneously, hopefully untill their circuits burn out and they become a conflagration of auto-erotic banality ...

While governments tremble, banks collapse and the world of consumer credit chokes on its debit cards ... His Holiness has appeared to give special dispensation to Chi-ting devotees and take them up to the safety of the Mother Ship, while everyone else fries in a fricassee of their own sin and lack of devotion to the Truth of Chi-ting ... Rejoice, salvation is at hand ...

His Most Righteous Holiness Sri Sri Swami Kevinandaji