Book review of the month

Well here on Planet Tiru the monsoon seems to have finally come and everyone has fever or flu. Fortunately the 5-6 hour/day power cuts seem to have stopped. So at least we can be sick in relative comfort and catch up on some reading ... and what a gem of a book I discovered ...

The Last Waltz by Jacqueline Marie Longstaff of the Singing Heart Ashram, a couple of miles past Rangammal Hospital on the Bangalore Road.

First published in 2004 this has become a classic of its genre, a spiritual Listen with Mother for those with cerebral palsy. It's appallingly written, with trite kindergarten jokes at the end of every chapter for extra laughter therapy! Most of the content is unashamedly lifted from David Icke, who she lavishes praise on it in a sycophantic frenzy. You've guessed it: lizards, the Illuminati, mind control sex slaves and Manchurian candidates etc, etc. But worst of all, a sinister plot by the Teletubbies to brainwash toddlers, before they even have a chance to be really stupid. Another one of her sparks of genius is for sexual deviants to have a SPANK HOLIDAY MONDAY (No I'm not making it up!) So every Monday there would be a phalanx of bare backsides exposed ready to be whipped, impaled or whatever. This would obviously rectify all sexual and psychological guilt and we would all be happy brainwashed bunnies. (Would it stop the rapist en route to the Skanda Ashram?) ...

You can guess here, background Pune late 70s, lots of confrontation groups and therapy and then a trawl through the detritus of the New Age (Barbara Marciniak, Pleiadians etc etc), before meeting her soulmate Mr Icke ... The funny thing is that she claims to distrust the New Age movement as stooges for those naughty Illuminati ... I do find it amazing how people like Jacqueline Longstaff swallow fear-based conspiracy theories (which are deeply dualist by nature) and then attempt some surreal shotgun marriage with non-dualist Advaita. It's a dialectical Frankenstein of epic proportions and takes a very confused mind to reconcile its inherent nonsense ...

I have to admit Ms Longstaff is a real trooper (of the space cadet kind!) and I haven't pissed myself laughing like this for a long time, but God help those poor fools who give her money for spiritual guidance. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and with her help it could get very, very scary!

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The Auro-Vile Cook Book

THE AURO-VILE LEAGUE OF EXPLOITATION PRESENTS: 
THE AURO-VILE COOK BOOK

MIX TOGETHER:
1) TAMIL SLAVE LABOUR
2) FRENCH PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL WANKERS
3) A LITTLE DOCTRINAIRE EVOLUTIONARY BULLSHIT
4) EXTORTIONATE PRICES
WHIP TO A FRENZY IN A BLENDER ...

THE RESULT: EXPLOITATIVE CAPITALISM FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM. 
ET VOILA, NATURELLEMENT!

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Death by real estate

The real estate feeding frenzy has reached a crescendo ...

The area behind Yogi Ramsuratkumar's ashram has been turned into a neo-Disneyland of garish, psychedelic houses (extreme pink and purple seem to be the colours of choice!) Plots of land in the outlying areas around Ramana Nagar are being sold at virtually New York rates ... How long will this sustain before the bubble bursts and the whole things implodes into a bad acid wasteland populated by sadhus from hell! Unlike the housing boom in the West which was fuelled by credit from the banks, Tiruvannamalai seems to be a vortex of black market monies. But this house of cards is dependent on more and more tourists renting property yearly - and with recession in the West and more visa restrictions will it continue?

The basic facts are that as more and more houses are built with bore wells as the only source of water, the water table drops to unsustainable levels. Local farmers have stopped growing rice and other produce and now just sell plots of land for development. But what happens when there is no more land left to sell and all the money has been spent on consumer goodies? We are looking at an ecological and social collapse of unprecedented proportions! ... And while all of this madness is going on we have Radha Ma devotees building pseudo-Egyptian temples which cost vast sums of money, all in the pursuit of self-indulgent vanity and ostentation.

There must be a parable in this because it's all going to come on top big time ...

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Chi-Ting Master

Biography

Born in the Nottinghamshire village of Little Pissup on the Trent in 1959. His Father Bert was a bit soft in the head and Mother Ada addicted to tranquilisers and gin, so little Kevinandaji grew up in a deeply deprived environment and was often seen sucking lumps of coal as sweets were not available in this austere upbringing. Kevinanda first made his mark on the world when as a child prodigy at the age of 7, he discovered pyromania and burnt down his local primary school to celebrate England's football victory over Germany in 1966. Despite a childhood filled with petty larceny, arson and random violence, Kevinandaji retained a warm and loving personality with his heart warming catch phrase, "Give us some money yer fucken hippy cunt!" As the 1970s dawned and cultural nihilism became the norm, Kevinanda had his first epiphany while watching Stanley Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange and was often seen employing an ultra violent version of Singing in the Rain on unfortunate drunks in the local underpass ... Kevinanda's first brush with fame came as a roadie and narcotic supplier for proto punk band, S&M GANG BANG, whose anthem Cheese Grater I Up! was the cause of self-mutilation across the UK ...

By the late 70s and early 80s Kevinanda had graduated to the new frontier of credit card fraud and rampant binges of shoplifting to feed his monstrous drug habit. Finally in 1985 Mr Plod in the form of law and order sentenced Kevinanda to 5 years in Pentonville Gaol ... After some extreme psychotic fits he was transferred to the Broadmoor Secure Unit for the criminally insane, where he made lifelong friends with the Kray Twins and Myra Hindley who became his surrogate auntie ... During a period in solitary confinement Kevinandaji had his first experience of samadhi and realised the Oneness of All, metamorphosing into the All Loving (well, sometimes!) Apostle of Chi-Ting ...

After his release from confinement Kevinandaji toured the world but found his gospel fell on deaf ears until finally he arrived in Tiruvannamalai in the late 90s. The rest is history!

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The second cuming of Kevinanda

GURU GOSSIP & CULTURAL CATACLYSM ...
From Tiruvannamalai, South India

As we enter the End Times, His Holiness Sri Sri SRI Swami Kevinandaji has arisen from his narcotic slumber deep in the bowels of the sacred mountain. His purpose to lead his legion of the damned, the lame, the holt (and the thoroughly corrupt) to the land of milk and honey ... while the guru loving hordes are dispatched to a purgatory of infinite torture. They will be tied down and made to listen to the inane satsangs of Karl Renz and Mooji simultaneously - hopefully until their circuits burn out and they become a conflagration of autoerotic banality ...

While governments tremble, banks collapse and the world of consumer credit chokes on its debit cards ... His Holiness has appeared to give special dispensation to Chi-Ting devotees and take them up to the safety of the Mothership, while everyone else fries in a fricassée of their own sin and lack of devotion to the Truth of Chi-Ting ... Rejoice, salvation is at hand ...

His Most Righteous Holiness Sri Sri SRI Swami Kevinandaji

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