Satsang Barbie: Cosmo special

Breaking news:

Satsang Barbie (alias Miranda Macpherson), ex Beauty Queen and Chi-Ting News Anchorwoman has been sighted on Siva-Sakthi Street with her new enhanced look: complete with Pink Bentley (The Satsang Mobile) and entourage of beauticians, plastic surgeons and personal fitness trainers.

We were not expecting Ms Barbie to arrive til early February. But as usual she has pulled a fast one, probably to avoid her American-based creditors. Apparently there are still a few places left on her remarkably cheap retreat priced 1390 US dollars for 12 days: special discount, 5 dollars for anyone who keeps their make-up on for the entire week (she doesn't want to be the only one who looks like a melting waxwork doll!)

Just in case you didn't know, Satsang Barbie is internationally famous for flashing her crotch and drawing male fans for hundreds of miles around because she wears translucent underwear. We had previously thought that the market for Imaginary Awakening Experiences (IAEs) had been cornered by that professional idiot, Premananda. But Miranda has usurped him on the PR bullshit front: she has even claimed she hears the "guidance" of Ramana Maharshi in the caves up on the mountain! (Did he ask her to charge exorbitant prices for her spiritual "services"? Was she divinely guided to exploit free darshans, already open to all?)

And did you notice? She's been getting a few nips and tucks at her bijou Barbie Mansion in the States. Her best pal Paris Hilton and other divinely appointed celebs who have recently ascended to the top floor of Arcade in Beverley Hills, held her hand while the surgeon turned back those difficult 40-something years with a laser scalpel.

Miranda will be holding one-to-one sessions on the back seat of the Pink Mobile very soon (American Express Platinum Cards only). "Shopping sprees at sari emporiums, jewellers, crafts and other local delights" will follow imminently ...

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Muz Murray ... who am I? ...

Who am I? ... Muz Murray (aka Ramana Baba) thinks he knows!

He has seen me at his satsang. He pronounces me "faceless and bland," "ordinary and banal," a "nobody," a "nothing." Oh yes, I am so profoundly boring I attend his pitiful mutterings and endure his abortive mantras that click in the ears like dying insects.

Who am I? I am an Invention of the Zeitgeist, the ethers made corporeal. I am the Vengeance of Carthage, arisen from the salt-laden ruins. I am Back from the Beyond.

So Muz Murray, who am I? Are you on my case, tenacious to the last? Are you Sherlock Holmes or the Inspector Clouseau of Vedic Confusion? Yes! I was there but only in the lost clouds of your imagined ramblings. I am descriptionless, beyond your little mind.

Muz Murray, who are you? Are you a New Age Vedanta sage or just an ageing hippy has-been stealing the mantle of a Ramana revival?

Muz Murray, who are you? A fancy-dress reject in a Lawrence of Arabia out-take?

You're absolutely clueless. You drone on in your third-rate romantic gatherings about destroying the mind, the glories of the Self and the legacy of the Upanishads. You are nothing more than a charlatan fool lost in remembrance of the 60s while The Tiru That Was has gone: swallowed up by a horde of Kashmiri clothes shops and real estate sharks.

Muz Murray, I know who I am. My mystery is beyond your grasp. I will never pander to your adled sense of self-importance and I would prefer crucifixion to the drivel and tedium of your satsang!

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Chi-Ting Readers' Wives

Chi-Ting devotees and their wives bare all! ...

As this blog has been described as the lowest form of spiritual pornography, we thought we would really go down into the gutter and let some right slappers strut their stuff!

Cruella & Nausea Khan:
Nubian consorts of Supreme Mongolian warlord, Genghis Khan. These girls really like to party when the boys get high on mare's milk. And for Genghis, the tent wasn't big enough for the three of them! Probably why he left home and conquered half the world ...

Lady Godiva:
Legendary stripper, the lady just can't keep her clothes on. This girl is FIT and needs no other qualification! Always up for a bare-back ride and will give any Peeping Tom a right eyeful. Her name means Gift of God and we concur! Outrageous and wanton we give her five stars ...

Germaine Greer:
Shagged her way around every campus in the known academic world. Stayed married for only 3 weeks - impossible for her to stay faithful. Wrote The Female Eunuch but we can guarantee she's got balls the size of an elephant! In her heyday, she was a cyclone of pheromones on heat ...

Lucrezia Borgia:
Up for absolutely everything including daddy, Pope Alex VI & bro, Cesare Borgia. Well known proclivity for poisoning unwanted husbands. This Venus is a black widow spider of epic proportions and will give you Cupid's Pox in the blink of an eye! How close to the flame do you really wanna get?

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The Buddha is dead ...

Or so you would think, if you had the grave misfortune to attend the repugnant Dharma Face Off Event led by that opinionated doyenne of middle class head fuckdom, Christopher Titmuss. 

Here was Buddhism sexed-up for the masses, led by the elitist demagogue Christopher and serenaded by Big Daddy Mooji and the inanely grinning Werner. The only saving grace was Radha Ma's demented laughter in the auditorium (she then promptly left before fatally succumbing to nausea).

Christopher is an advocate of that dangerous brand of bourgeois spirituality, Professional Buddhism. He dogmatically tells you The Way It Really Is by manipulating What the Buddha Taught for his own personal end-game. Mooji and Werner meanwhile, the lame offspring of Club Satsang, seemingly stand in stark contrast. They both looked embarrassed and exasperated, shaking their heads in unison.

But in the Arena of Truth, both sides secretly collude in the same debacle: they are mirror images. In this game of charades and metaphysical one-upmanship, Titmuss hammers out the dessicated litanies of various Buddhist sects who lost themselves in the dark woods of the mind and endless debate, centuries ago. Then there's Mooji and Werner on the opposite end of the scale: “all heart” and "soft-speak". But their partial realizations amount to nothing more than limp "spiritual experiences", also well past their sell-by-date.

They are both the same. Each side only exists for showmanship in a pantomime of past glories for their own vain needs. Christopher remember: an ill fate has always befallen each new claimant to the Buddha’s begging bowl.

Better to let things lie … The Buddha is dead …

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Akashic shakedown ...

H.H. Swami Kevinandaji after stealing a ticket for the Akashic Records from the Ganapati Library ... (new hardcore Chi-Ting with no added humour!)

Yo verily, through my awesome powers of Chi-Ting I can now really dish the dirt on all the scumbags charging money for enlightenment and raping the legacy of the Godfathers of Non-Duality. Long have I witnessed the unquenchable thirst for power, glory and sexual gratification, those fruits of hubris let loose upon the streets of T.V.Malai. Now the Day of Judgement has dawned ...

Jimmy James Swartz, alias Ram, arch Vedanta bore, enemy of all Neo Advaita window-shoppers and serial adulterer of the year 1972. For too long have we suffered the tedium of your convoluted diatribes and turgid prose on the web and from your pulpit in Usha's restaurant. The Truth will out: neither do you understand Vedanta nor its bastard progeny Neo Advaita, you who sell yet another philosophy (greenbacks are your aphrodisiac of choice!) while claiming not to be a guru or wanting our money. Thou art guilty on all counts of hypocrisy ... Soon Chiron will come a-calling. All must pay the ferryman, your account is far overdrawn and the gods will have their dues ...

Florian Tathagata, Spiritual Businessman of the Month, so seduced by Capitalist wiles you forgot to donate to Seshadri Ashram, then somehow, suddenly remembered, after the hue and cry! You who are the Circus Master of Self Therapising Performance, encouraging your coterie to flaunt their emotional wounds while feeding upon followers who flounder at your feet. I predict the scales of Thoth will not balance in your favour ... A long-lost devotee will return to stalk you and despoil the rose garden of yours and Julia's conceit ...

Mix'n'match Mark-Hans, now offering 7-day Radical Enlightenment Intensives, as your latest ploy. One-stop salvation ... "Just join this course" ... NO satisfaction guaranteed! Even leeching off of Mooji's satsang will do nothing to fill the void that is your shoddy product: a grab-bag of yoga, satsang, dharma, diksha, discussion etc, randomly assembled to entice any passing fool. (And haven't you been mouthing off rather too much, Oh Enlightened One, about your visits to a certain female guru begging for a taste of "the real thing"?) Mark-Hans, thou art a Whore For All Seasons ... The Lords of Karma will expel you from T.V.Malai to the hell zone of Gaia's kindergarten satsang. You will endure this purgatory for all eternity! ...

And as for Mooji, Madhukar, Pratima, Premananda and the rest of your clan, listen to your teacher Papaji who told David Godman in the book Nothing Ever Happened:

Godman: You used to give experiences to a lot of people. Why did you do it if you knew that the effect would not be permanent?

Papaji: I did it to get rid of the leeches who were sticking to me, never allowing me to rest or be by myself. It was a very good way of getting rid of all these leeches in a polite way. I knew that in doing this I was giving lollipops to the ignorant and innocent but this is what these people wanted. When I tried to give $100 bills to them, they rejected them. They thought that they were just pieces of paper. So I gave them lollipops instead.

Godman: Many of the people you gave lollipops to left Lucknow thinking that they were enlightened. Does the fact that they accepted the lollipop and left indicate that they were not worthy to receive the $100 bills?

Papaji: If one is not a holy person, one is not worthy to receive the real teaching. Many people think that they have attained the final state of full and complete liberation. They have fooled themselves, and they have fooled many other people but they have not fooled me. A person in this state is like a fake coin. It may look like the real thing. It can be passed around and used by ignorant people who use it to buy things with. People who have it in their pocket can boast of having a genuine coin but it is not real. But it has no value. When it is finally discovered to be a fake, the person who is circulating it, claiming that it is real, is subject to the penalties of the law. In the spiritual world, the law of karma catches up and deals with all people who are trafficking in fake experiences. I have never passed on the truth to those whom I could see were fake coins. These people may look like gold and they may glitter like gold, but they have no real value. There are many people who can put on a show and fool other people into believing they are enlightened. Why does hearing the truth only work in a small percentage of cases? The simple answer to that is that only a small percentage of people are interested in the truth.

Godman: Many people have heard you say, ‘I have not given my final teachings to anyone’. What are these final teachings, and why are you not giving them out?

Papaji: Nobody is worthy to receive them. Because it has been my experience that everybody has proved to be arrogant and egotistic … I don’t think anyone is worthy to receive them!

NUFF SAID. CASE CLOSED!

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Sister Klaus ... agony aunt ...

Sister Klaus is a transgendered nun from deepest Bavaria ...

She achieved Full Illumination after a particularly arduous session with her alter-ego Kinski, in a Munich torture chamber. Sister Klaus has a concise no-nonsense approach to life's little problems, especially relevant for the Spiritual Dullards who inhabit T.V.Malai. Chi-Ting Apocalypse is greatly honoured that such an esteemed and revered figure has agreed to join our staff as a regular Agony Aunt.

Dear Sister Klaus
I've been having visions recently, probably due to the excessive number of spliffs I consume every day. I'm really freaked out, half of my friends tell me that life is just an illusion and the others tell me to Be In The Now'. What should I do? Confused from The Palace of Annihilation.

Dear Confused
This is a very common problem. Simply increase your consumption by 500% in the next 2 days, securely lock your door and place a sign outside saying Do Not Disturb. When you are totally numb you will be able to access the dimensional portal of 2012 and none of this bullshit will matter anymore!

Dear Sister Klaus
I am blonde, slightly chubby and totally self-obsessed. Did you know I come from the Sirius star system? I was on the Mothership and they kicked me off for talking about myself too much. I've never been allowed back on, so I've been left to roam this dreadful planet for aeons. All the men in Tiru really fancy me, even that Kevinanda has got the hots for me! Should I tell him how I feel?

Dear Dim Blondegirl
Best keep Mum. Kevinanda's organ of reproduction is so vast it would split you in half and even the Mothership would not be able to sew you back together again!

Dear Sister Klaus
I've just been on Mooji's silent retreat and instead of realising the Self I've discovered I'm as horny as hell! Everyone seems to be shagging like crazy, I feel totally inadequate!

Dear Inadequate
When you next go to Tasty Cafe and shoot your mouth off with your pseudo-spiritual friends, try licking someone's earlobe at the precise moment that some jerk is expounding his theory that there is Nothing To Do. This is guaranteed to get everyone in the mood and orgiastic rites will commence without delay. P.S. Make sure your new chums have not been visited by Reiki Shiva first, as this might result in a little journey to the doctor for a course of antibiotics!

Dear Sister Klaus
I'm a member of Rajneesh's Punatic Horde. I'm very angry and confused at the moment. Sri Sri SRI Kevinandaji has really taken the piss out of my beloved guru in a very big way! My moronic maroon robes vividly portray my extreme inner turmoil, I'm also American so I'm a bit culturally challenged too! Should I apply for a full frontal lobe lobotomy or just saw my head off and try again in the next incarnation!

Dear Punatic Fringe Person
The solution to your problem does not need to be so drastic, just keep taking your anti-psychotic medication and stop giving all your monies to that freak who looks like the Anti Christ. Soon you will be filled with an irresistible desire to burn your 'moronic maroon robes' and will be attending Mooji's satsang along with all the other idiots!

Sister Klaus will be returning soon with the solutions to all your intimate dilemmas. If you wish to contact her for a little lederhosen and chains, please send your email to sister.klaus@gmail.com

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Rajneesh in German Bakery bust-up!

Professional Punatic and wannabe empire-builder Rajneesh, has been involved in a stand-up screaming match with eccentric American masseur, Ishi.

The fracas blew up at the new German bakery on the Bangalore road. As the velocity of the abuse increased, Rajneesh told Ishi to: "Fuck off back to America!" and threatened to have him deported if he would not voluntarily vacate the country! And finally, as things really started to boil over, he told Ishi he would use his occult powers against him (Rajneesh is Mr Black Magic himself, a veritable devil in disguise!)

Very enlightened behaviour indeed, Rajneesh. You are a role model for all budding 2-year olds who throw temper tantrums due to excessive incontinence! We salute Ishi, who did not buckle against a Punatic horde of 20 idiots dressed in maroon, stood firm and gave the egocentric creep a stoical "Fuck off and die!" It's not exactly Leonidas and the Spartans at Thermopylae but by Tiru standards, it ranks as a heavyweight championship performance.

Ishi, you are now Chi-Ting Devotee of the Highest Order and if you would like to send your version of the fisticuffs, email us at kevinanda@gmail.com

And as for Rajneesh ... Return to the sewer in Pune from whence you came and never darken the sunny horizons of T.V.Malai again!

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Cult of the Tooth Fairy

Toothy Pratima Sephton ...

Yet another of the elite detritus that washed up on the beach (in Bali) after her Lucknow days with Papaji. Pratima claims that Papaji told her to give satsang in 1993 and thus her status as a spiritual teacher was authorised from on high! Did he sanction her international crusade or did he just ask her to give satsang the next day because he was knackered and bored with all the wasted dross from Osho? Either way she greedily gobbled up the opportunity, never understanding the fallacy of setting up spiritual shop and Papaji's little joke on her. Her subsequent "career" has gone forward in fits and starts much like the menopausal machinations of a woman who has truly lost it ... paranoia, secrecy, no website, no recent images etc ...

Rumour was that she had ceased giving satsang and then last year like a bad apple rising to the top of the tub, Pratima magically reappeared with special added Kalki Deeksha. And this is where it all gets very weird and dangerous. Kalki has been running a notorious enlightenment scam (or is it just an Amway pyramid scheme?) at his so-called Oneness University in Andhra Pradesh that costs (take a deep breath) 8000 US dollars! This is just an expensive nouveau form of Reiki for post-modern morons and frustrated therapists who are trying to beef up their spiritual credentials! So now Pratima has set herself up in the guise of a Worldwide Oneness Coordinator, recruiting innocent and needy souls for Kalki's insatiable Golden Temple project and "other investment opportunities."

If Pratima had truly realized the Self in the presence of Papaji and there is nothing to do and no doer, why is she hanging out with Kalki trying to save the world and enlighten everyone for 2012? (We could ask Isaac Shapiro the same question!) We are now in the realms of a very confused dialectical Frankenstein of sublimated End Time religiosity, with fresh body parts of Advaita stitched on!

In the last few weeks Ms Tooth Fairy has been hanging around with the likes of T.V.Malai's nerdy Roof Top Gang. These aged Armchair Enlightenment Enthusiasts proclaim their advanced state of awakening while seeking the blood of young fluffy consorts on which they feed energetically and sexually, in a vampiric Bonfire of the Vanities. Do not be seduced by this cabal of decayed spiritual ego, masquerading as a Gateway to the Promised Land ...

Ms Tooth Fairy and her elite gang are selling fantasies which will turn to dust when your wallet has drained away. Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it, in the neck!

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Satsang Crime Commission presents ...

Rajneesh ... A Walk on the Wild Side!

Be careful boys you might get molested by the 3 Bears if you go too far into the woods today, remember what they did to Goldilocks!

Pune wannabe clone Rajneesh (full marks for originality with the name!) has arrived in town to give full moon satsang on the 10th and 11th of Jan. He asks the question Who Am I: err possibly Fu Manchu, Ming the Merciless or just some moron from Planet Pune who shaves his eyebrows so he can do lots of pervy things in the name of tantra!

Rajneesh, you have been convicted of the serious crime of Punacy, the sentence of the Satsang Crime Commission is an eternity in maya as a sex slave of that notoriously priapic German guru Madhukar. You will be taken from this courtroom in chains to an obscure dungeon in deepest Austria, where you will fulfil your new master's darkest fantasies in degrading and degenerate ways. Case dismissed!

Presiding Judge Jeffreys ... Err shome mishtake here ... Isn't it err Judge Kevinanda? Err too much gin for breakfast again! ...

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Gaia ... the return

Oafish übermensch Gaia is set to return to Tiruvannamalai in early Feb ...

He has even sent us a love letter (or is it a veiled threat!) informing us of his imminent arrival with his delightful girlfriend (who has apparently had a complete personality refit at a top German clinic after her last visit here!) Using a refined form of Transylvanian English not used since the time of Vlad the Impaler, he announces himself thus ...

Hi Keninanda ... !!!?
In reading the article of the one who knows what Tiru wants and needs and how it has to be there and the comment of Sunanda, I can see that at least you 2 haven't been in any Satsang or haven't got the message. But you have many chances, also for writing gossips out of your real experience and not from your second hand information. My bitch and me ignorant snarler [he must really luv her in a bestial Hunnish way!] Will be again in Tiru for Satsang at 7th of february 2009. I am looking forward to really meeting you. May I send some of my colour pamphlets for your favorite places? We go now for ice skating ...

If you wish to read his full letter which includes the untranslated German stuff, please go to the Comments section under the article Gaia ... Wannabe Wang-kar of the Month. We await the arrival of more culturally challenged missives from Gaia, which we promise to post immediately ...

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In memoriam 2008

England 4 Croatia 1: Chi-Ting Devotees celebrate!

Chi-Ting Devotees had much to cheer about in 2008. First came the collapse of the world stock market and the ensuing Crisis of Capitalism. Then the news broke in October that Karl Renz was not giving satsang in Tiruvannamalai this year (well, not officially but his recent activities at Usha's restaurant are highly dubious to say the least and just go to prove what a little Chi-Ting runt he is!) And just when it couldn't get any better, there came the undoubted highlight of the year: England's demolition of Croatia in Zagreb, as these lads will joyously testify!

Breaking news: Karl Renz will now be giving satsang from Jan 1st for one week. Any devotees who wish to make use of our encyclopedic knowledge of the Anarchists' Cookbook, please contact us at kevinanda@gmail.com

Let's give Karl a New Year's bang he won't ever forget!

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