Sunday, August 25, 2013

Les fleurs de mort


Sister Klaus is dead!

We are bereft - a true giant of the sacred art of Chi-Ting has left the stage - and we mere mortals are left to pick up the pieces and carry on. The Sister was found at 9am this morning by her cleaner, Kuti, in a deathly slumber. The Divine IT appeared strangely serene with ice blue lips and a beatific rictal smile (kind of Mona Lisa on crack!) with an electric cattle prod rammed up her errr ... well you get the picture!

Hordes of grief-stricken Klausian flagellants have gathered outside the samadhi mandir of Steve (Ibn Al Haq) Woodman at the Manna Cafe. Tempers frayed and the mob became volatile, screaming: "Steve, you're still a wanker even if you're dead!" Steve and Sister Klaus had been involved in a vicious vendetta after Steve's refusal to be the Sister's Facebook friend. He subsequently bad mouthed the Sister in an endless stream of homophobic put-downs (which was a bit rich, considering Steve's background as a London rentboy!) Steve's former partner-in-crime, Suresh, was so freaked out that he barricaded himself in and made an emergency call to his brother-in-law - Shanti Kumar of Shanti Cafe - who arrived post haste in an attempt to calm the baying crowd.

We phoned Inspector Venkatesh of the Dept of Transsexuals And Miscellaneous Perverted Orgiastic Narcissists (otherwise known as T.A.M.P.O.N.) to ask for his advice since the Sister was beginning to get a bit smelly in the midday heat. His reply was forthright and to the point: "Thank God that weirdo has left this plane of existence. This Klaus was an azuric entity of the worst kind! You must perform the Rites of Osiris so that it cannot rise from the dead. Dismember the body into 7 pieces, give them to various villages known for their occult practices, and they will consume the flesh. If there is anything left over, just bury it under the patio."

So the big question remains - who dunnit? The suspects are legion: Garbage Gal Bobbie, Kali Baba, Raging Rosie, Divakaran from the Rip Off Supermarket, Colonel Mustard or the most evil woman in town ... Charlotte Psycho-Sister. Charlotte's chief apologist, Werner von Lick-Spittle, said: "Well, if Charlotte did do it, then she was obviously divinely sanctioned by the deified Radha Ma. So that makes it OK!"

At this point we got so pissed off with Werner's sanctimonious inversion of reality, that we clubbed him around the head with a baseball bat. After he had been reduced to a bloody pulp, we decided to bury him under the patio, next to the Sister ...



40 comments:

  1. That picture looks suspiciously like Sven!

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  2. Very sad that the Sister is gone - she was not my friend and a silly person but she was definitely a Something. Alas, the story told by the Chi-Ting Master is completely contrived and false. Here are the true facts about the Sister’s mysterious departure from this planet.

    There had been heavy fighting reported in the Chi-ting office last weeks - furniture and windows were smashed - insults flying across the room - bleeding noses, bruised cheeks and wounded souls was the result. It was clear that the future of Chi-ting Apocalypse was at stake. The great leap forward by Kevinanda into the nonsense world of Facebook and Twitter was not endorsed by Sister Klaus - who saw it as a great leap backward into the world of a perverted and infantile Disneyland. A schism was apparently unavoidable and the result was that the Sister withdrew from the Chi-Ting office and swore vengeance. Apparently, Kevinanda was so upset and angry at losing his best and most famous collaborator - that he decided to do the worst! He sent his henchmen Commander Alkar and Ms Borgia to poison the poor creature. A few days later the body was found with foam still coming from a lifeless mouth (nothing icy-blue!) It's just a typical case of strychnine poisoning.

    So the "who dunnit" question is not really relevant and just one of Kevinanda’s tricks to distract the innocent reader. The disturbing fact is that he is the culprit and had the poor Sister killed just because she didn't want to suffer anymore under his oppressive regime.

    And that brings us to the frightening question of Kevinanda’s responsibility for several mysterious deaths among Western Ramana devotees and Chi-Ting criticisers. I wonder what Inspector Venkatesh will think about that?!

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  3. Kevinanda's uproariously chilling barnyard story is accepted at face value, especially for its cathartic value. Banishing the arch demon is a giant step along the way of being first among equals. It takes real strength of character to take corrective measure when it is patently needed ... The villagers were all too happy for me to partake in their feast, so we ended up dividing the X-sister into 8 equal parts, as that number is considered by them superior in achieving the intended result - it also sits very well with the date of this marvelous post - and conjuncts well with its author's stepping up of pressure on the remaining AZURIC influences which the Manna rat hole is haven to ... We hope that those reactionary forces don't succeed in resurrecting that demon from her infamous lipsticked bed!

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  4. The post doesn't make sense to me. Did the Ramana Ashram make the Chi-Ting Master stand in the midday Tiruvannamalai sun to watch the kumbhabhishekam???

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  5. Don't you know who the satsang teacher Werner is? Or the role Charlotte played in trying to prosecute The Gang of 4 (Radha's ex-devotees) - who spent 2 years awaiting trial for supposedly causing her suicide! Religious madness, lies and police corruption - it's a story fit for a Dennis Wheatley occult thriller ...

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  6. It seems that someone is finally trying to do something about the sexual harassment and violent crime against women in the Ramana Nagar area. Sign this petition here.

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  7. The Sister was shit. Some of us have borne him patiently for a very long time.

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  8. Firefly, you've observed the mysterious deaths of Ramana's devotees. However to us it is no mystery - the death we've been granted was the death of the identification with the false ... The death which you're talking about is your impending one - brought about by self indulgence and the fear of being resurrected for more!

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  9. That Werner character sounds villainously vile. Someone should blacken his Christmas and piss on his door.

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  10. Actually Werner is a very nice man, TOO NICE! He also suffers from a complete lack of discernment. He got very chummy with Radha - who in private held him in contempt, considering him not qualified to hold satsang. After Radha's suicide he has championed Charlotte Psycho-Sister as the next standard bearer of her lineage. - Well, she is totally insane too! Werner is best known for his Eckhart Tolle impersonation. In fact he was so good at imitating him that Tolle's wife used to attend his satsang!

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  11. Who is John Sommers? He keeps infiltrating David Godman's blogsite with 'crazy' comments about Ramana. Is poor old John a Christian zealot or perhaps someone who's just escaped from the loony bin? Whatever, I wish he'd just shut up!

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  12. Why not spray paint the Syrian national flag on the wall of the Quo Vadis compound on Siva Sakti Street. That will surely provoke Mr Obama to send a drone and wipe out this insidious nest of Christian vipers.

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  13. To Anon 10.53AM: tone down the bellicose pronouncements - aggression begets aggression with losers on all sides - including the so called winner ...

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  14. We are commenting about the late Sister Klaus, who was probably the most bellicose and belligerent entity in the known universe. What planet are you on? - Closet Christian?!

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  15. John Sommers, you're coming from a very dark place and sound really disturbed! Why not pause, reflect on what you're doing or if that doesn't help, pop a pill and calm down?

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  16. I'm still scowling as a result of reading the 2 comments on David Godman's blog by someone who calls himself JOHN SOMMERS ... As I'm writing this, Godot has yet to come to his senses (which are currently out to lunch) and delete this piece of deliberately provocative excreta. Godot should come clean on this by:

    1/ Offering a convincing argument as to why this was not vetted;
    2/ If he saw fit to allow it, could he offer his own take on this utterly sicko comment;
    3/ Does the comment accord with his own understanding of Ramana?; and
    4/ Is it simply an innocent case (innocence is not part of David Godman's persona) on Godot's part of negligence - being asleep at the wheel - which may have led to this stupidity?

    Kevji can you make head or tail of this?

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  17. Godot is currently out to lunch as I've heard he is growing some very err ... exotic forms of hemp in his botanical garden. Next time you see him, he will be wearing a bandana and waving the 2-finger peace sign - instead of that strangulated Führer salute he usually manages when riding past on his moped! So I would say "asleep at the wheel" - as Godot (despite his advanced social autism) would never condone this Born Again madness!

    All I know is that about a year ago, I was contacted by someone who wanted to write for Chi-Ting. I told them to send me a sample of their work - they did - and it was exactly the same load of bollocks that you now see on Godot's blog. I politely told them that I couldn't publish this as I didn't agree with any of it. Even with my taste for merriment and mayhem, this was one step beyond. So that's the story: I've heard no more since.

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  18. Godman has risen from his slumber and erased John Sommers from his blog.

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  19. Kevinanda, much thanks for promptly stepping into the breach at the moment of dire need. It shows your worthiness as an able captain. We should cast this John Sommers into the bonfire along with some other rotten spuds ... I don't mind a bit of sewer round the joint, as long as the E coli count is within the prescribed safety limits (which was clearly exceeded by that pongo!)

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  20. So when's the bloody resurrection?

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  21. Don't be impatient buddy, on the third day you'll arise ... Just be inwardly watchful.

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  22. Sister Klaus was actually a character of The League of Gentlemen; there has never been anything like it and there will never be anything like it. The Sister - grotesque, lavish, dark and compelling like all other inhabitants of that magical and surreal place in Yorkshire - played her role for a while in the mad and sad society of Tiru and then took the only way out. I guess she went back to Royston Vasey, the town you will never leave!!!

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  23. What really happened, was Sister K assaulted??? Going by the fact she got someone to sign up for the prevention of violence against women (well, sort of women!) Either that or Charlotte threatened her (well she threatens everyone) and now Sister K is no longer going to post under that name??? Living faraway from Tiruvannamalai, I don't have the gossip to put this in perspective. Please enlighten us, Chi-Ting Master.

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  24. It's a mystery beyond the realm of duality!

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  25. The League of Gentleman is run by Richard Clarke who cancelled the Sister's membership. He ordered her expulsion upon realising her role in exposing his many and varied misdemeanors in Tiru ... For her valiant efforts vis a vis that ogre, we offer the Sister our gratitude. May she be richly blessed!

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  26. You are not a mystery, garbage thats what you are! Someone who is so bored that he has time to write about others. Time does not exist, nor boredom, nor gossip! But for you it is real, its the only thing you have! One day it will all come back to you!

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  27. With the Sister no longer on the editorial board we have an unprecedented opportunity to branch in a different direction. One suggestion is to launch Project Renewal: a more constructive and positive approach to our vision of reclaiming Tiru from past and present marauders and depradations, which left us weeping and inconsolable ... The forthcoming Equinox no doubt will support such an endeavour. However we acknowledge the difficulty in recruiting someone as formidable as the Sister whose abrupt termination is justified on the grounds of the need for fresh ideas if we want to move forward. The Master in Chief should also update his photo to reflect more accurately the inexorable passage of time - even though in our heart he is timeless. We don't care if he chooses to be bespectacled (geek) or wear a homburg (toff)... Maybe at least some of us will then reek of the purity denied us by that implacable Sister.

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  28. Hello Friends,
    I just read your post about Mooji - about his apparent return - and that reminded me of the following story, which Kali Baba told me one evening while we were sitting in his kitchen over some bottles of ayahuasca:

    It so happened, that in the old days, when Kali Baba was living as a shaman, medicine man, and bushman, in Jamaica, he had an ritualistic encounter (rape) with a local woman (rasta). This meeting left the poor woman deeply traumatised (cos Kali Baba disappeared directly after it). Eventually she hooked up with a Chinese man (he didn't care that she was pregnant). Together they raised the child, that was destined to become Mooji. In his younger years the boy already showed remarkable signs of a deep identity crisis. His subconscious search for his real father brought him first to England (there was something white about his father) and finally to India (cos there was something spiritual about his father). By the time he reached India, his search had become the following simple equation: "I am the son of my father + who is my father = Who Am I?"

    Unsurprisingly he ended up in the presence of Sri Poonja (PAPA-ji) and the teaching of Ramana Maharshi (Who Am I?) Finally he went to Tiruvannamalai to meet his maker. When I asked Kali Baba if he ever spoke to Mooji about these matters, he said "yes and no". On the one hand, one morning, he greeted Mooji on the road with: "Hello my son, how are you?" - but Mooji didn't seem to grasp the significance of these words. Also he made many dream-journeys with Mooji in the shamanistic realm, but Mooji seems not so good at recollecting his dreams either. On the other hand, every satsang, Kali Baba overshadows Mooji and speaks through him. Like this, it is a win-win situation for both sides. Kali Baba can spread his message to the world without being harassed by stupid devotees and Mooji enjoys the affection he gets (a substitute for the fatherly love he so deeply yearns for).

    After hearing this story, I found myself sitting at the kitchen table with showers of ecstasy running up and down my spine, induced through the sheer beauty of this leela. And I realized once more, that this universe has a real sense of humour. :)

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  29. Anonymous StepfatherSeptember 11, 2013 at 7:16 PM

    I, the reluctant Chinese stepfather of Moojidev vouch for the veracity of the above account and urge the absconding, biological dead-beat dad to cough up 600,000 quid in paternal obligation - which is a conservative estimate of what I spent on raising this illumined prodigy born of Jah Rastafari. In addition Kali Baba should perform some shamanistic hocus pocus to extract his DNA from my beloved stepson's genome and replace it with mine ... I shall then be in a position to arrange for millions of my fellow slopeheads to attend his satsangs in Tiananmen Square.

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  30. Isn't his mother Chinese - and his father, Jamaican? And wasn't his dad a Seventh Day Adventist preacher?

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  31. Nah, more like a Seven Day Adventurist and the Mooj being the world's seventh wonder. On a par with those famous hanging gardens with him being an overhang of human dregs.

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  32. What to make of this guy!?
    Someone has experience with him?

    Anadi: Buddha at the Gas Pump Interview

    He is OUT there. LOL

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  33. Anadi is very boring, very intellectual and very into sex. Loads of stages - has never got past Advaita (and he got there rather late as it is) - and is still upholding self and higher self. Lastly he has a little Catholic secret, but I'll leave you to find that out for yourself.

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  34. Heard this through the grapevine: Anadi's longtime student Reza left him in disappointment a few years ago because of the power games Anadi played. Reza then headed off to Arunachala, probably to lick his wounds and bemoan his forlorn times in despair. Maybe the mountain brought some solace?

    So we got sex and power trips, what's next?

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  35. Hey anon, thanks for the comment. I find this former Arunachala-roamer extremely complex and quite pedantic about different points. For example Ramana Maharshi is still in denial and forgetfulness about his Self. Wow, some statement ... Surely you cannot press the realizations of the Sages into one's own enlightened model. Very slippery ground. You mean he also has an unresolved attachment to sex? And the Catholic secret only makes you guess the worst ... Would love to hear an honest assessment of this guy. Sri Sri Kevinanda, it would be interesting to open a topic on this.

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  36. His website is found here: www.anaditeaching.com
    It gives a clear picture of his teachings... precise, not one word too much, no blabla... seriousness.. very thought-through... there are audios you can download on the website, you can hear him talk... v e r y s l o w l y ...

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  37. Just as I thought! More patronising, elitist bullshit!

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  38. what is spiritual teaching without drama?

    at the minimum, it is the drama of the quest, the drama of the search, the drama of, wow, becoming enlightened! hooyah!

    anadi, mooji, freaking whomever, how can anyone be a teacher without drama surrounding the pull of teacher and student ... you have i need, i have you need, endlessly until it ends ..

    meanwhile, the dirt hill abides

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  39. Has he really gone beyond Ramana, Nisargadatta and the even greater Mooj? If only Sister K could shed It's divine light on this funny Polish truth-channeler ...

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  40. Anadi has that sort of Jesus angle that makes him filter the deal through it. Not bad in itself. I'm not even sure he's that into sex too. Perhaps just less inclined to give a shit about human tendencies and condemn them as irremediable hindrances to the path.

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