Sunday, July 14, 2013

Rise of the clones ...

Another listless day at the Chi-Ting office - there is absolutely no news. Even our favourite street troll Kali Baba cannot find any one-legged women to molest. Sister Klaus is so bored that the Divine IT is reduced to smearing prodigious amounts of snot over the furniture in an attempt to transform them into bizarre objets d'art. Then suddenly out of the blue, this whinging missive from Neo Advaitin Jeff Foster arrives in our inbox ...


A friend sent me a link to your 'Baby Ben and Jeff: A love story" blog. I have to admit, it was funny. ;) Good to see you have a sense of humour around all this stuff....

I was a little intrigued to read your 'bio' of me! It's amazing what Chinese whispers can produce....

Where did you get the idea that I'm a 'failed Cambridge academic'? I studied there, for sure, and graduated. Never, ever wanted to be an academic. Ugh! Or that I'd secretly lurk at the back of Tony's meetings?? Or that I told Tony about my 'story' and he laughed in my face?? I only ever attended one of Tony's meetings after my 1st book came out. Must have been 6 or so years ago now. Tony had called me and wanted to meet me in person, and invited me to come to his Hampstead meeting and say hi, so I did. I never remember him laughing in my face at all - he was warm and funny and very welcoming and I enjoyed the day.

I find it so funny how these rumours spread halfway across the world.... Amazing.

Anyway, keep doing what you're doing, my friend. Some of your stuff is absolutely hilarious. A guilty pleasure. Hey, spiritual teachers can't take a bit of fun, a knock on the chin, you have to wonder....

By the way, it's a shame you didn't speak to me at the meeting you came to. Might have been fun if you'd challenged me on the spot. Sorry you had to make your own tea! ;)

Best wishes,

Oh oh Jeffy! It's not "Chinese whispers" - it's straight from the horse's mouth - Tony Parsons himself! He said you sought him out. He was very disparaging about your so-called realisation, calling it a "nice story." If you're disappointed with his supposedly revisionist version of events, why don't you phone him for a little tête-à-tête?

We also notice that you have totally avoided addressing the main point of our post, which was that you sound exactly like Parsons. You are yet another "Tony clone" - a pale imitation of a teacher you don't acknowledge. Your talks are dull, insipid, and uninspiring. Just like all the others: Nathan Gill (the Michael Caine of Neo Advaita - "Not a lotta people know that"); Richard Sylvester; Roger Linden; Suzanne Foxton et al. And you all regurgitate the same Tony-isms! ... The Open Secret becomes The Elusive Obvious (Roger). You keep on saying: "This is it!" (Jeff, Nathan, Richard) and "All there is, is this!" (according to the witless Suzanne who is still noticing that her ego creeps in!) Devoid of the pulse of life, you are tailor's dummies wearing someone else's clothes! And what's so special about Tony Parsons? All he's done is a Buddhist makeover of Advaita - after he got scorched by Dennis Waite for being a Neo Advaitin!

Your gang is not the only one in town playing this game. You're just the latest in a long line of banal impersonators flaunting their pseudo-realisation. Sadly it seems to be the leitmotif of our times! The worst offenders are The Papaji Pretenders: Gangaji, Mooji, Madhukar, Pratima Sephton, and Isaac Shapiro (to name but a few). Andy Warhol proclaimed that everybody would have 15 minutes of fame. Bowie said: "We can be heroes just for one day." But all we see are imitation zeroes, shoddy counterfeit copies who worship at the altar of Pop Idol and The X Factor. It's a school of lame karaoke sing along that pretends it has a franchise on the real thing. The recycled wreckage of modernity played out against a Kraftwerk electro soundtrack!

Also Jeff, a failed Cambridge academic is not someone who completes their course, but someone who struggles to get through because they can't handle it. You openly admit you suffered from depression at Cambridge. The whole ethos there is to be a mental superman who can deal with anything and everything. Weakness is seen as the ultimate crime. It's a bit like being a Bond villain from SPECTRE! You are straight out of the Eckhart Tolle school of Cambridge fuck-ups. A prime example of extreme repressed head-wonkery, released on to the world in a spasm of epiphany! (In my school we called it jerking off!) All that elite education to make hideously stupid remarks about "the ocean and the wave" ...

There's not a shred of honesty in your letter. It's all politically correct platitudes without any emotional integrity. A touchy feely response which is contrived and utterly disingenuous. (Just like your books, which read like a teenager's diary!) Jeff, you are saying what you should say to appear unruffled, chummy, and embracing of "all that it is." But your laughter is nervous and hollow. And we've heard a whisper ... that a spiritual heavyweight recently told you that you were "not finished." Apparently they hinted that you're not enlightened and you were extremely rattled ... Would you like to write in and tell us about that? You have put yourself up on a pedestal and now the demons of self-doubt are snapping at your heels.

Jeff, one last thing ...
When dealing with the likes of you there is NO guilt - it's ALL pleasure!


  1. Now look at that, Kevinji, somebody is trying to make friends with Your Grace ... Don't be so mean to him. Let him thrive and blossom, for his ignorance and not knowing of the Chi-Ting empire until today explains it all. He has yet to cut the veil of traumatising childhood dramas and find the meaning of life. No other explanation could there be for his giggling emoticons, trying to be all sweet'n'kind and supportive without knowing a thing. I wouldn't mind taking him in, teaching him some firespitting and all that stuff ... so he would gain some backbone and supreme authority.

    The Dalai Lama has yet to edit his "about" text: that he is the ruler of that most ridiculous Watkins List, compiled to make these kiddos shut the f*#k up. Why is it, that they need all this validation?! Have they actually never killed a man?!

  2. If enlightenment is Jeff Foster, we are really in trouble!

  3. .

    ALERT: Mara’s nouvelle Non-advaita VIDEO

    My dear Master Kevji,

    What an absolute delight it is to see humour veritably dripping from each sequence of a recent Salopian non-advaita work of art.

    Which may serve as a warning to all those Quantum Physicists, Neuroscientists, Biologists and other tailor's dummies wearing Pastor Tony Parsons fake clothes: "Take care when speaking the language of the Open Secret that you do not take yourself and your followers into a hideous desert land missing the precious waters of mirth and laughter. Any final product that is good and worthy of its name should be full of smiles and giggles, as well, sometimes, as of bugger-flinging twerps and bright-eyed covert farters".

    For a sample tasting of a nouveau Non-advaita VIDEO = CLICK HERE =>.

    Yours, as ever,

    Myles O’Blarney

  4. To Mother of Dragons,

    Why don't you take the poor boy into your place and offer him an evening of latex fun? Let him see what his size limit might be for lubricated objects inserted rectally while he was being subjected to the hysterics of a high vacuum penis pump?

    As you mention, this should gain him some real backbone and provide a sound foundation on which he can build his spiritual ministry.

  5. Thank you Kevji for pointing out that these seemingly multi-morphous neo advaita blood suckers are in fact clones - indistinguishable except perhaps for their gender (and even that is not always easy to determine!) ... We urge you to ramp up the vituperative antidote against them and lethally strike them with the lightning rod you so ably wield ... Oh yeah, give us an update on Unmani ... please!

  6. The Archangel GabrielJuly 15, 2013 at 8:22 AM

    Bloody hell, Kevji!
    I think if there was another crucifixion - you should be the one with the hammer and nails. You have been sent by the source to literally crucify false teachers. And you do it bloody well! Actually the "becoming a teacher" phase of the seeker is really a sign of a beginner on this long hard trek to hell!

    So all these Tony clones, have opened to the possibility that they may be under a hypnosis of mistaken identity. Instead of going into that more deeply, they run out and use the new information to get more adulation and power for the sick mistaken identity. Quite ironic!

    So the old adage was correct, those that know don't talk, those that don't know, teach. It is a phase they all have to go through, including the adulation, especially from the girls and the pedestal treatment, till at one point, the rug gets pulled from under their feet. And it does! And in this case, you've been assigned to do that job. Praise The Lord. Keep up the good work.

  7. Coming up with a dull article like this indicates “silly season.” You take what you can get, huh Kevji? Not worth an iota of attention from me, send all these wankers to the South Pole and let them give endless satsangs to the local congregation of penguins.

    More interesting is the Master’s mention of my objets d’art. Though I wonder how he knows about it. Does he have a direct line with the motherfuckers of PRISM? Wouldn’t surprise me, given his nature of spying on everyone and everything.

    Because of the enormous amounts of snot I produce, I decided to decorate my cave with it. Not out of boredom, you silly bugger, but to give my creative energy a chance to produce something really impressive. My cave is filled with freaky stalactites and stalagmites of almost luminous green snot with the seductive music of Maestro Richard Wagner playing in the background. I myself am reclining on a snot green bench, surpassing the beauty of Schloss Neuschwanstein in Bavaria: a tourist “must see” attraction. Therefore I have contacted the illustrious Richard Clarke and the magnificent Meenakshi Mami to promote this new attraction in Tiru on their wonderful blogs. Of course the entrance fee will be pretty high. But hey, who doesn’t want to see the Great Sister in its snot green sari, surrounded by luminous snotty art objects, swimming in the tones of Parsifal and Tristan und Isolde? Believe me, it is the ultimate experience! Hey, even I have to make a living, since my torture chamber was shut down by the local police - most probably acting on a tip from that fat toad Sven. Apparently he works in close collaboration with Kevji for the PRISM fucking idiots.

  8. chim chimmney cherooJuly 15, 2013 at 6:41 PM

    oh, much much more of this please! These wankers get away with murder in our decentred internet world.

    Quite surprised you give Tony himself such an easy ride though- someone needs to take his energetic shift and shove it up his fat arse! Remember kids, no one is one too many!

  9. To Anon @6.53am:
    Are you wearing that anonymous mask because your face is not as cute as Jeffy's?! Maybe you should come along with him!

  10. Dear Sister
    Rumour is that Sven stole all your secret stash and now you are going full blown cold turkey! Hence your even more paranoid than usual rant about the evil empire and its agents. Apparently Sven is holed up with French Mujahideen Emily - who does a mean party trick with kitchen knives! At a recent Dreaming Tree pissup she nearly samurai-ed several revellers who got too close to Sven's thrusting pelvis - so best leave be and in the immortal words of The Stranglers, "Straighten out!"

  11. In the United States, stand-your-ground law states that a person may justifiably use force in self-defence (without an obligation to retreat first) when there is reasonable belief in an unlawful threat. - Including killing, even if the other person is unarmed. Great example of this ridiculous law last week: could it be that this law also extends to killing the US president since he is such a serious threat to all mankind? I doubt it. It seems that the laws of the law-abiding American people don’t apply to their leaders, who can fuck over anybody they like.

    But it might be a splendid idea to apply this law to all the members of the Satsang Wankers Club. And I mean all of them, including those who are on the waiting list, because there is reasonable belief in an unlawful threat and the use of mind torture techniques and serious cheating against innocent spiritual seekers.

    Send them all to a Satsang Clown Conference or a "Who is the greatest Satsang Master?" X-Factor/Hunger Games-style contest in Miami and get rid of them one by one. Millions of lives will be saved and the Nobel Prize for common sense will be given to me! As Kevji said: "When dealing with the likes of you there is NO guilt - it's ALL pleasure!"

  12. Monsanto world = clone gurus + genetically modified advaita!

  13. I wonder who is on the satsang clowns waiting list. Could it be David Godman the greedy old bastard, Kalibaba the other greedy old Bastard, Marina with the Mona Lisa smile, Sister Klaus another greedy old bastard, Kevinanda yes another greedy old bastard, silly old fool Garbage Bobby, Richard Clark another silly old fool, Meenakhsi Mami yes another, oh my God!!! Seems you have to be either a greedy bastard or a silly old fool in Tiru to get into the preaching chair. Could it be that young and fair Marina is the chosen one?

    And why is there no news of Tiru’s nr 1 hypocrite HH Nithyananda. Did he disappear in thin air or what?

  14. Last year we went to a satsang meeting with Jeff Foster in Birmingham, Alabama. Well, it didn't start well as we had to pay the fees of $50 twice because they said that the Missus and I each occupied 2 chairs - greedy bastards! Next there was the problem that I couldn't understand the guy because he spoke English. Now the Missus understands a bit of that language and could translate some of it, but even then it didn't make much sense to me. So slowly I lost interest in the undoubtedly very important words ... coming out of a mouth ... which suddenly reminded me of somebody else’s! The way the lips moved and then the nose and the eyes - so familiar. And then I saw a striking resemblance with the face, the body language, the moving hands, the whole picture ... and suddenly Jeff Foster turned into Buster Keaton in The General! At first I had to giggle - then to laugh - which resulted in a mean look from the Missus. I laughed out loud, realizing the formidable joke of it all: here is my favorite actor playing the role of this silly satsang clown! So that is why he has nothing to say: it is a silent movie! Buster looked at me angrily and then the whole audience of serious listeners spontaneously exploded into roaring laughter. Did they see the same thing as me? Buster Keaton is now really pissed off and then he does his shape-shifting trick. He turns into a cross-eyed Ben Turpin who sticks an enormous, dirty middle finger in the air and immediately leaves the stage with his tail between his legs. - All followed by a thundering ovation from a happy and cheering crowd.

    So this was my humble encounter with Jeff Foster. I wonder if anybody else has had a similar experience?

  15. Namaste sir,

    I recently have been thinking of why Jeff Foster simply calls the ego a "story" that we tell ourselves. The reason: so we don't take it seriously. The ego is a VERY big barrier and dangerous to, and so, to not take it seriously, as the authentic spiritual traditions do, and dismiss it as simply a "story that we tell ourselves", which Jeff Foster teaches his students, is absurd.

    I can tell you from my own personal experience of pursuing the spiritual path for the last 2+ years (or even longer) and from reading the experiences of other spiritual seekers/aspirants that the ego will do whatever it can to stop you from eliminating it in order to realize God as your true nature. It will make you even go through hell and immense suffering in order to keep you from eliminating it. And if that is not enough, the ego will even talk trash (or smack) about everyone and everything, including God so that you stay away from them and lose your faith in God (and turn against Him as well).

    Given all of this, do you still want to follow the advice of the western non-duality teacher Jeff Foster, to simply (and naively) dismiss the ego as just a "story", when it is a heck of alot more than that?

    All of the authentic mystical and spiritual traditions of the world take the ego seriously and make efforts to eliminate it and transcend it, instead of naively and glibly dismissing it as a "story" like Jeff Foster does and that he tells others to do, which keeps the person trapped in the ego's tyranny of negativity and suffering. What I mentioned above before this, including my own personal experience so far confirms this!!!

    NEVER underestimate the power of the ego!!!

  16. Do you suppose that Joany is a Tony cloney?

  17. Hiya, thanks so much for pointing out my witlessness and Tony-clonedness. I'm afraid the witless thingy is true - I haven't the brainpower to sift through the layers of in-references and acerbic comments here and don't understand the point of this blog terribly well, but then I haven't really properly investigated it. I am a Tony clone because he's the only nondual teacher I could find (as referenced in Stanley Sobotka's A Course In Consciousness) that was local, and when I went to see him, his language seemed to fit the whatever-it-was revelation I had. So I am by definition a Tony clone, as it's the only language I could relate to; I didn't really have any awareness of the "nondual community" at that time, nor did I have any inclination to seek out any alternative language - that seemed good enough for me. Presumably the language has morphed quite a bit since my blogging days. (My ego is starting to notice my ego starting to notice my ego - I think!) BTW is there something wrong with being a clone? Just wondering! - Love, Suzanne Foxton xxxxx <3 <3 <3 (and loads more cutesy kissie-wissies and hearts and puppies and whatnot)

    1. Suzanne we liked your comment so much we posted it on the Chi-Ting Facebook page!

    2. Oh goody! My vestigial ego was beginning to crave a bit of notoriety. (Winky winky etc.)

  18. Hi Chi-Ting Master!

    What do you think about Lisa Cairns?

  19. And we've heard a whisper ... that a spiritual heavyweight recently told you that you were "not finished."

    Do tell...

    1. This post is 3 years old now so all the gossipy stuff starts to fade - but if memory serves me right it was that stuck up old bore (and former arms dealer!) Francis Lucille.