"Oh look at that!" said the bossy girl with the hairy thighs. "That must be a temple to the Egyptian Mother Goddess Isis. Do you think this level of conspicuous consumption sets a good example to the serfs and peasants, because they are very prone to scamming and are no longer the lovable lowborns of yore, who we used to wave at in such a patronising manner?"
The rather dense looking boy with the caved-in head (for it is Percy Bryce Dodgybollox, future Poet Laureate of Tiruvannamalai) looked up and spoke: "A rich American devotee of Radha Ma has built this wondrous temple as a monument to sadomasochism, whips and KY jelly. Do you think if I climbed over the wall I could become a sex slave and develop a life-long addiction to kinky sex and general perversion?"
"Oh you stupid boy," said the bossy girl (who later became a Pune über therapist called Ma Prem and then did 2 years in the slammer when the Oregon scam went tit over ass!) "If you go in there they will perform the dismemberment of Osiris and chop you into 7 pieces and throw your fleshy worm to the fishes!"
"Oh I don't like the sound of that!" said a very pale Percy.
She continued: "I heard of a boy who wandered in there and that wicked witch Radha Ma turned him into gingerbread and ate him at one of their monstrous rites."
"Oh that's horrible," said Percy as a yellow dribble of fluid ran down his inner thigh. "But once upon a time wasn't Radha Ma a good person? I even heard that she was going into business with that great Chi-Ting Master Sri Sri SRI Kevinandaji. They were planning to open Tiruvannamalai's first lap dancing and casino complex, which was going to be called The Funky Time Emporium. Can you imagine how much fun we could have had after a hard day's tapas: a little drinking, debauchery and gambling for light relief in the evening. Everyone was gutted when the plans were shelved, but Radha Ma had been seduced by Illuminati agents from the Sparsa Hotel across the road and had turned to the dark side of the force just like Darth Vader. (Who is actually her uncle and takes a keen interest in her progress!) Let's get out of here, it's creepy," said Percy who was still discomfited by a damp sensation in the groin region.
So with a look of trepidation and fear, the children continued down Guru Street occasionally stepping on limbless beggars, who were left wailing and writhing in the dust. Suddenly they arrived at Fat Boy Slim's Burger Bar (for this joint belongs to the obese Texan, Arunachala Ramana and had just had a hip makeover). Percy noticed a big sign saying: Free Burgers for New Devotees! ... "Oh let's go in here as I feel a bit peckish and could do with a bit of sacred cow in a bun!" Percy cried.
The bossy girl eyed the pesky youngster with contempt and said: "If you go in there we will curse you, never to return to Enid's 1950s' world and you will spend lifetimes seeking That Which Is Prior ... Even sucking Karl Renz's thorny cock will not give you absolution!"
"I don't care," said Plucky Percy and he went into the burger bar and was never seen again. Suddenly the Famous Five were now only four!
Percy Bryce Dodgybollox's poetic magnum opus, the charmingly entitled - Taking the Piss Before I Die - is available from the Rip Off Supermarket underneath the incense.