Radha Ma: Downfall

(Radha has been very depressed recently and has written me a plea for help in the Comments section. She is prone to being bipolar and a bit manic, she locks herself away for months in a dark room and eats compulsively, getting up to Sumo fighting weight in record time. So just to cheer her up we've written a film script for her, a kind of an Advaitic version of the Mel Brooks classic The Producers. So cheer up Radha, just sing-a-long to 'Springtime for Hitler in Germany!')

Live from Der Radha Bunker, starring Bruno Ganz as Radha Ma.

Berlin 1945, the howl of Russian howitzers scream through the air.

Tiruvannamalai 2010: the discordant cacophony of a village marriage rips through the air as the manic tones of Tamil techno causes blood to leak from the ears. Everyone stumbles around in disarray and sensory confusion.

With the collapse of her once mighty Real Estate Empire, the forces of the Radha Reich are reduced to a dishevelled rump of a couple of sadhus, her boyfriend Amar, her unhappy husband and some small children who have been conscripted from the local village to defend Das Mutterland. Desperately Radha tries to rally the troops against the inevitable onslaught of the Russian tourists.

"We will fight them to the last drop of your blood", she intones heroically. The small children have been lined up dressed in sadhu robes, white chalk smeared across their heads in true Shaivite warpaint style. They shuffle around picking there noses while Radha marches up and down the line trying to inspire them. She looks down at one small child, gives his cheek an affectionate squeeze and absentmindedly slaps him about the head. The child starts to howl and Radha clouts him. He shuts up instantly and looks at her in terror. "Discipline and courage are the true mark of a devotee, you will now give your lives for the Radha Reich!" she shouts. The children are given sticks and pushed out into the street to fend off the onslaught of the Russian barbarian horde.

Radha turns to her last 2 remaining generals and says: "You have all failed me, you do not deserve me, where is General Kalidas and the Ninth Army of Devotees?" Her husband looking a bit sheepish, turns to her and says "Urr he's defecting to the Russians at this very moment in time". They turn and see a weird hippy who looks a bit like a refugee from Robin Hood Men in Tights, scuttle across no man's land towards the Sparsa Hotel. "I am betrayed by all!" she wails. There is a stunned silence. The advancing Russian tourists start clicking their cameras furiously, flashbulbs burn the retinas in a blinding haze. "I am not a guru, go to the Ramana Ashram!" she screams desperately and then in a final act of tenderness, turns to her boyfriend Amar (for it is he, Amar Alhassan, the famed transcriber of Radha's holy words): "You will betray Das Mutterland and your Radha?"

"Never meine Radha, I will endure an eternity in maya to be at your side," he replies. They clutch hands passionately in a last show of love and defiance, before the Russians descend. "Right, I'm out of here, the bed isn't big enuff for the 3 of us!" says her husband as he storms off down the road in search of his chum General Kalidas.

The heroic duo stand alone in one last beatific moment before the tragedy of their final stand reaches consummation. Loudspeakers play Tomorrow Belongs To Us from the movie Cabaret and dancing nuns pirouette and somersault across the stage as leather-clad fetish-dwarfs juggle firesticks and giggle manically. One last glance of love, then they are run over and consumed by the enlightenment hungry horde of Russians.

Only a stain remains in the dirt, the moment of mahasamadhi has arrived!

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