Thursday, September 1, 2011

Club Cthulhu

Chi-Ting Apocalypse brings you an incendiary expose on a vipers' nest of conspiracy in the very heart of our beloved Tiruvannamalai ... 

Many outwardly pious and respectable members of our community have been gathering each month on the night of the black moon at the Bose compound on the Chengam Road to secretly attend the H.P. Lovecraft society, otherwise known as Club Cthulhu. Their demonic mantra is: "ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" and the echoes of black tantra and blood-curdling screams are heard long into the night.

Our informant is a man in his mid-sixties, famed and revered as a mystic poet of the Karl Renz school of mouthing-off. His face is pale and sallow. His jowls quiver like a Christmas turkey and his hands have an uncontrollable tremor. He whispers:

"You have no idea of the diabolical deeds they are capable of. They are soul-sucking vampires in league with dimensions beyond mortal knowledge."

Who are they?

"Everyone is involved, it's truly shocking. Everyone! Mahalaxmi (Byron Bay psycho-sister) is their high priestess, Steve Ibn Al Haq her consort, Chandi Devi (Papaji Policewoman) and Shivani carry out the sacrifices. How do you think Chaitanya lost his mind?"

They sacrifice people?

"All the time. That's how all the local dogs get fed. There are body-parts flying everywhere. Divakaran at the Rip Off Supermarket is doing a roaring trade in Sweeney Todd pies. The rickshaw drivers love them!"

Who else is involved?

"Nearly everyone. All the big names: Mooji, Nithyananda, Premananda (Spermananda). All the local businessmen. The corruption goes from top to bottom."


"His name in the brotherhood is Beelzebub Baba. He is the Lord of the Flies."

What is Spermananda's role?

"He has been taken over by a faecal shit-eating demon. He carries out monstrous perversions on the corpses of the freshly sacrificed. He is big into necrophilia."

And Nithy, dare I ask?

"His depravities are so gross that words fail me!"

There are rumours of a 9th dimensional demon, lurking in the pit beneath Manna Cafe. Can you confirm this?

"They have been summoning her. She is the one foretold. Many will die to bring her back through the portal. All of our world will be laid to waste."

"They are collecting host bodies so that the Moral Majesty that is Sunanda may return to our dimension and wreak vengeance on the unbelievers."

Where will you go now?

"I will leave this place but the horror will never leave my heart!"

At this moment, the unfortunate poet releases an incontinent stream of yellow fluid, that forms into a steaming puddle on the floor by his feet. He starts to speak in tongues as his bulky body lapses into contorted spasm. The smell of palpable putrefaction in his faux Auroville-style slum becomes nauseous - even to the hardened stomachs of the Chi-Ting interview team - who promptly leave the scene. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED ...


  1. Their DNA might be a modification of the reptilian genome, optimized for maximum psychic and cybernetic qualities. Cybernetic means they are remotely controllable when necessary, functioning as remote psychic probes, avatars, or portals through which the consciousness of their superiors may temporarily operate!!!!So although by default they are programmed yet intelligent automatons with their own basic awareness, they are readily possessed or controlled by an external intelligence.
    have fun next time you share a chai in the local restaurant!!!!!I knew it ,I knew it all the time!Evil is present in Thiruvannamallai!
    your favourite kitten,......

  2. what have you ingested kevji to come up with this incoherent babble ?

  3. Any person that finds such a comical way to expose the shadow of this world is a purified being, holy actually!!!!

  4. Wow! Shivani using Krishna as a decoy for Beelzebub! Who could have guessed! Woodman hiding behind a scheherazade mask!!! I always thought there was something funny about the name Whitehouse! Remember the Illuminati founder was named Weishaupt, might be related!

  5. gnu'pf oulmat pr'nabl nat'h nat'h Kevinji via^fthlop a'rophvaght 4 spre'up igh 'up kcuF mooji igh spermaman igh nithya ohnt fro'gna urf urf qhu Cthulhu ng'urt.
    wgah' Nag wgah'

  6. I have tons of salacious dirt on John David (Premananda) ... and I'm not even a Papaji person, thank god. Nonetheless almost anything disgusting you care to write about him would be true!

  7. The secret Lovecraft society was a club of honest seekers like JJ, CQ, Godot, KVS and me SKA, who were exploring the possible link between advaita vedanta and the Cthulhu mystery as described by HPL in his novels, with the idea in mind there is no real difference between good and evil.
    Last year we were infiltrated and taken over by this bunch of sensation-seeking weirdos, totally bored with their lives in Tiru, not able to understand even one iota of the teachings of Ramana Maharshi or the nature of Arunachala.
    During the day they had their silly satsangs with their even sillier so-called masters, not resulting in even one person becoming more happy or enlightened! They pretended to be devotional and pious in various boring sitsings and hanging out in their favourite gossip clubs at all hours of the day. Then at night showing their real faces and indulging in the worst, most perverse evils as described by our informant.
    Thanks to our brave mystic poet the veil has been lifted to reveal the truth about these psycho charlatans. But who truly dares to go to the bottom of this dark hole and dump all the shit out into the street?

  8. So you set up your "Beyond good and evil club" and it gets taken over by people more evil than you! So it sounds like a bunch of european intellectual poseurs who are suddenly confronted by the true banality of evil and you don't like it, a bit DUH isn't it?

  9. This is unspoken for! I had it from inside (and reliable) sources that a man, identified as Marilyn Manson has been seen lurking from a cave on mount Arunachalla, formerly inhabited by a sexually perverted German called Sven!
    Screams where coming out of the small cave...behind him three faces were identified, namely Steven Woodman, Dominique (the Walt Disney Gimp) and that necrophilian Swami that used to hang out with the newcomers.

  10. Dominic the Gimp is a real enigma. He appears out of nowhere 3 years ago, claiming to be a Sai Baba devotee. He then moves into Guruji's old mansion behind Yogi Ram's and immediately turns it into a drug den populated with 24/7 stoners. Last year he had moved his opium den to the village just in front of Upahar's Sit-Sing emporium and moves to take over all the real estate rental in the area. What is his game?

  11. Dominic the Gimp.... simply EVIL... and that is one of his good qualities.
    I will not burden anyone with the facts.

  12. Dominic is a real monster, he spouts all that "Love all, serve all" bullshit, it's just empty talk! His real face was shown when he and pyscho Petra were drugging that girl who had Weils disease with sedatives in her water and then telling her friends and family that she was crazy!

  13. Tiruvannamali is light and dark. The mountain-obsessed pilgrims forget you will not only get enlightened: you will also go to hell. Such is the dual fate of those believing there is an I in the first place, to attain moksha or eternal damnation

  14. Dominic and Sven, ah yes, the Wallace and Gromit of total creepiness. Dominic's goal is just to take over and run anything and become the local mafia don. He even tried to take over my small rickshaw wallah prostitute business, but I kicked him in the balls with my razor sharp high-heeled shoes and since then he is a limping, pathetic venomous little snake.

    And Sven, ah he is harmless, just ridiculous and making the best of it! I would do the same if I had the guts to exploit all my vices and abnormalities.

    I do not know if the rumour that Godot was the only one from the original Lovecraft society who joined the new club is true, but since his repugnant and disgusting adventures with Spermananda, it would not surprise me if he took a leading part in the unspeakable horrors in the Bose compound as master of ceremonies.

    Investigations into other members of the Cthulhu club are going on, anybody who knows something should come forward.

  15. I have just received notice that the blessed Gabriel (the famous Archangel) is flying into Tiru to cosmically cleanse this satanic pestilence! All our hopes are with him now, he has especially interrupted his 24/7 everlasting world journey for us! All hail the Archangel!

    PS Will all buxom large breasted girls converge at the Sparsa hotel to audition for a 'special role' in his next Puja!

  16. If I was a Deep One, bulblublublublublublublublublublublubablub

    Heard that song?