Thursday, January 15, 2009

Sister Klaus ... agony aunt ...

Sister Klaus is a transgendered nun from deepest Bavaria ...

She achieved Full Illumination after a particularly arduous session with her alter-ego Kinski, in a Munich torture chamber. Sister Klaus has a concise no-nonsense approach to life's little problems, especially relevant for the Spiritual Dullards who inhabit T.V.Malai. Chi-Ting Apocalypse is greatly honoured that such an esteemed and revered figure has agreed to join our staff as a regular Agony Aunt.

Dear Sister Klaus
I've been having visions recently, probably due to the excessive number of spliffs I consume every day. I'm really freaked out, half of my friends tell me that life is just an illusion and the others tell me to Be In The Now'. What should I do? Confused from The Palace of Annihilation.

Dear Confused
This is a very common problem. Simply increase your consumption by 500% in the next 2 days, securely lock your door and place a sign outside saying Do Not Disturb. When you are totally numb you will be able to access the dimensional portal of 2012 and none of this bullshit will matter anymore!

Dear Sister Klaus
I am blonde, slightly chubby and totally self-obsessed. Did you know I come from the Sirius star system? I was on the Mothership and they kicked me off for talking about myself too much. I've never been allowed back on, so I've been left to roam this dreadful planet for aeons. All the men in Tiru really fancy me, even that Kevinanda has got the hots for me! Should I tell him how I feel?

Dear Dim Blondegirl
Best keep Mum. Kevinanda's organ of reproduction is so vast it would split you in half and even the Mothership would not be able to sew you back together again!

Dear Sister Klaus
I've just been on Mooji's silent retreat and instead of realising the Self I've discovered I'm as horny as hell! Everyone seems to be shagging like crazy, I feel totally inadequate!

Dear Inadequate
When you next go to Tasty Cafe and shoot your mouth off with your pseudo-spiritual friends, try licking someone's earlobe at the precise moment that some jerk is expounding his theory that there is Nothing To Do. This is guaranteed to get everyone in the mood and orgiastic rites will commence without delay. P.S. Make sure your new chums have not been visited by Reiki Shiva first, as this might result in a little journey to the doctor for a course of antibiotics!

Dear Sister Klaus
I'm a member of Rajneesh's Punatic Horde. I'm very angry and confused at the moment. Sri Sri SRI Kevinandaji has really taken the piss out of my beloved guru in a very big way! My moronic maroon robes vividly portray my extreme inner turmoil, I'm also American so I'm a bit culturally challenged too! Should I apply for a full frontal lobe lobotomy or just saw my head off and try again in the next incarnation!

Dear Punatic Fringe Person
The solution to your problem does not need to be so drastic, just keep taking your anti-psychotic medication and stop giving all your monies to that freak who looks like the Anti Christ. Soon you will be filled with an irresistible desire to burn your 'moronic maroon robes' and will be attending Mooji's satsang along with all the other idiots!

Sister Klaus will be returning soon with the solutions to all your intimate dilemmas. If you wish to contact her for a little lederhosen and chains, please send your email to


  1. Sister, I'm well pissed. Can't even get down the main drag anymore. Too many Jokers. I'm so sick of the Self, gurus, crusin the next stasang, I wanna puke. Can we ship them all to Sedona?

  2. Dumbblonde Girl, Kevinanda is MINE!!!